to tell my mum ds wont be going to her house anymore? what would you do?

[mummysgoingmad]

my mum and dad split when i was 20..i took it pretty bad. it was a very bad time for this to happen as my just gran died (we were very close) anyhoo.. fastforward a couple of years and my mum told me she has a new man and that she moved him in! as you can imagine i wasnt very pleased i hadnt even met the man and she moved him in! i really tryed to get on with him for my mums sake, even thought i found him a bit strange and thought he drank too much.

After new year she came up to mine out of the blue ( i live 85 miles away) she was acting a bit strange. she told me her useless excuse of a man had "tapped her on the face at new year in my aunts house. I knew she was hiding something so i called my anut who told me that, they had all had a bit to drink, my mum and my uncle were singing and giving each other a cuddle after the bells when her useless excuse of a man told her to leave my uncle along and hit her full force in the face. he was polishing off a bottle of brandy when he got there and was still drinking once he finished it. Of course my uncle threw him out and my cousin slapped him on the face as hard as he hit my mum.

I've now been told that no the 1st time this has happened and hes had her by the neck before. i decided to go home and have it out with him, which ened up in me leaving as my mum wouldn't chuck him out.
I was going to tell her that while that worthless peice of shits there her grandson wont be. I dont want my son anywhere near a violent drunk. How would you handle this?

I really am trying not to lose my temper completely but finding it extreamly difficult.

sorry for all the spelling mistakes..really should proof read!

YANBU

I dont think you shoudl interfere with your mums relationship, just be there for teh fallout. But I agree you shouldnt let your DS visit there, have your mum coem to you or meet somewhere so that she still has plenty of contact though.

YANBU

You are right to not want your DS in this sort of environment.

I hope your mum finds the strength to leave this vile pig asap. Maybe giving her an ultimatum might help?

I think you are right to keep your DS away, definitely. However, i think that to help your Mum you should try to concentrate less on how angry you are with this man and more on being there for your Mum - make sure that you are talking to her, supporting her, trying to make her feel confident and loved, with a view to helping her leave him.

It sounds like you've all been through a tough time in recent years and you and your mum need to be there for each other.

YANBU
It is your responsibility to protect your son. Children are hurt by domestic violence by seeing it as well as from being on the receiving end. And a child growing up with violence around them is more likely to be a perpetrator themselves.

See your mum at your house or out, but without HIM. You have said your piece, now all you can do is steer clear and be there to pick up the pieces when needed.

YANBU

Keep ds well away from that shit.
Give your mum the number for Womens Aid.

YANBU - But whatever you do, plese don't cut your mum off. It sounds like she needs you. Perhaps show her some info from women's aid?

YANBU to refuse to take DS (or yourself) there when he is there, but being angry with your mum won't help anything. She is being abused, and minimising it ('tap in the face') so anger will drive her away further. You need to tell her your views, kindly, and give her the number for womens aid. Then just keep in touch. Try to see her if you can and call/text/email regularly. Be a supportive daughter and hopefully she'll come to you when she's ready.

YANBU
It's a sad situation for your Mum , but ultimately it's her decision to have this man living in her house. She's old enough etc....
I don't think it's the right environment for your little boy to be in.
Just be there for her when she needs you.

xx

weirdly she's just applyed for a job with womans aid. its the way she sticks up for him thats driving me crazy! She wouldn't let my dad away with half the things he does. i feel like i'm being the parent and shes the daughter

"i feel like i'm being the parent and shes the daughter"

Sometimes that does happen.

I agree with the others that YANBU to keep your son away but do keep in contact with your mum and let her know you'll be there for her when she needs you.

What a tosspot. Hoepfully this will make your mum see sense and dont feel bad about issuing it as an ultimatum. As a mother it is your responsibility to safeguard your child from danger and this man is a danger to everyone. If he hits another adult human being there is no guarantee he will not hit a child. Especially if he's pissed out of his mind. Your mum will probably try to reason with you that he'd never do that, but her judgement is flawed.

Be brave and remember that you're doing this for your son. You have every right to try to keep this man out of your life and to offer support to your mum. I hope she sees sense and leaves the fucker.

Don't punish your mother for this. It's a horrible situation, but she will need you whenever she manages to pull herself out of it.

Unless this man gives you reason to fear for your son's safety I would not keep him away from his Granny's house. I wouldn't let him visit without me though.

It would be very harsh to say YABU, but you sound (understandably) distraught and maybe not in the right frame of mind to be making decisions you can't easily take back.

Yes it goes against the grain but don't make her choose between you and him. Depending on how much of a grip he has got on her, he may "win".

Try to at least see her on her own whenever you can.

i would'nt keep ds away from my mum. i loved my gran to bits and miss her so much now shes gone. but we live 85 miles away, it takes 2.5 - 3 hours to get there. if i have to be in the same house as that arsehole i may swing for him! he constantly butts in when i'm talking to my mum, sits at her feet like a lap dog, and carrys on like a complete twat.

it doesnt help that he has a smug face that i would never tire of punching!

he could try it madamdeathstare, he wouldn't get very far! im trained in martial arts, i'd snap him like a twig.

"he could try it madamdeathstare, he wouldn't get very far! im trained in martial arts, i'd snap him like a twig."

Then i think you should!

What a useless cunt of a man - you can only be there for your mum, i do think that you are right to say your ds will not be able to go there. Although i would be very clear that it is because you are concerned for his welfare (and of course hers)rather than get into a "him or me" situation.

Do you have any brothers mummyisgoingmad? Maybe you could get them to "have a word"

i have two brothers, 1's as camp as xmas and completly no use unless you want a bitch. the other has no back bone and would rather hide behind a bag of weed! its always left to me to sort out family probelms.

i really want to boot his balls up his back but i dont think it would make the situation any easier.

she's just called me asking if i can bring my ds down next weekend i said no and she went mental! said i cant contol her life choices, it wasn't as bad as everyones made it out. I said i didn't care i dont want him anywhere near my son! me and my dp dont even as much as have a 1 drink when ds never mind getting completely twatted! i told her if she wants to see him that badly she can come up here! why do i have to do all the running she's the 1 with the car.

YANBU and you have a responsibility to keep your DS away from this man. (When I was young I was often left with my grandparents - my grandfather was a mentally ill, violent alcholic who hit my grandmother and I will never forget witnessing this, and I will never forgive my parents for putting me in the position where I had to witness this - and yes, they knew what he was like).

However, try to see your mum if you can. I actually don't agree with those who've said that you shouldn't interfere in your mum's relationship; I agree that it is her business, but at the same time she's your mum and I think you need to make it clear (as you have done, well done) that you will not have this man anywhere near your child. If your mum wants to see her grandson, she will have to arrange to see him without her boyfriend being present. Please, please do not give in, however hard it becomes. Read what I've said about my own experience if you feel like giving in! Stay strong, and know that you are doing the right thing. You are being very brave about this, and I do hope that your mum summons the courage to kick this man out of her life very soon - it must be very hard for her too.