Not to want ds to read this parenting book?

[PrettyCandles]

9yo ds1 found "How To Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk" on the ensuite windowsill and loves reading it, partly because of the cartoons. But, while it has fantastic advice that I do try to put into action, I am merely human - and a human with a hot temper and a running battle with depression - so I don't generally succeed.

I don't really want ds to see just how badly I go wrong!

I am deeply flawed, I know this.

I actually think you're deeply normal, not deeply flawed. In fact, probably better than normal because, despite the things you feel you do wrong, you must be constantly trying to do better, and be open minded and learn new things so that you can be better.

YABU but I can understand. As long as he isn't bothered or upset by the content I don't see why he can't read it. It might help both of you.

Reading the book may help him to see how hard it is to be a parent and for him to see life from standing in your shoes.

I haven't read the book, but I don't think there's anything wrong in a 9yo understanding that their parent is a human being - you've bought that book to learn more about how to have an effective relationship with him, not so that you can pretend to be perfect by having its lessons as a "secret".

If him reading it means that you can have a conversation about how you get along, then that has to be a good thing. He might even disagree with some of the things the book suggests. He should certainly appreciate that you're trying to treat him with respect and listen to him.

I agree, I think he might learn a lot from it - sounds as if he might be if he's so interested.

Awwwww you're all so nice! I don't think it can ever have happened before that everyone thinks YABU for the OP, without any flaming!

I was obsessed with Penelope Leach books when I was a kid. I used to get them out of the library -god knows what the librairians thought!

What opinions did PL have? And did reading those books affect your opinion of/relationship with your own mum?

(Also have a similar childhood confession to make: one of my favourite books was my parents' 1960ish edition of Dr Spock. I read and reread it so often that I could quote chunks of it by heart!)

When I tried to put a couple of the techniques from HTTSKWL into practice, dd1 looked at me suspiciously and said, 'why are you doing that?' Maybe I should give her the book so she can understand that I was being a Good Parent not a weirdo?

Dr Spock was a favourite of mine when I was small, too. I used to get it off the shelf and brandish it at my parents when explaining why they should let me have my own way.

I currently have this book on loan from the library and am about to throw it at the wall in a fit of fury.

I know that the principles are sound and you can't teach children to not shout by shouting etc but I don't believe a bloody word of it.
All of those case studies where they just say 'aha, I see that you're angry' and the child miraculously stops throwing lego at their head.

I am deeply suspicious, so I imagine that DS wouldn't think you were going wrong at all, but might think that the children in it are freaky!

I've read that book and think it's good, I think there's no harm in him reading that book, it might help him communicate better with you. In fact when I was about the same age I remember my parents leaving a parenting book in the kitchen and saying "don't read it" so of course we read it and inside the book it said, in effect, "leave this out somewhere obvious and tell your kids not to look and then they will read this and understand where you are coming from"

Best thing that's worked for our family from that book is the writing things down advice, chiefly when DS is saying, "I want..."

It's great if he reads it! It will help him to see how much thought you (and other adults) give to being a parent, and to trying to get things right.

I think children are not at all set up to think in that negative way of immediately apportioning blame or seeing shortfalls. That's an adult thing!

Plus, if he reads some good advice on parenting that will no doubt stay with him in some way and may help him in the future if he has his own family

seems like a win-win to me.

Nothing wrong with him reading it actually, he might learn somethgin from it and try it out with friends etc.

Better than my DS who pleaded and begged his aunt to ltr him read her copy of Glamour last week He is forever reading over my shoulder on MN too, so I have to be very careful what I have open when he's around.

I haven't read it but these comments about the lego and "so you're feeling impatient mummy" are hilarious!

I am from the school of thought that people shouldn't try to follow "rules" which feel totally alien to them so this book probably isn't for me

But I don't think him reading the book will do any harm - he'll realise that you have bought it because you care about him and want to look after him as best you can i reckon. He might learn your tricks though!

Maybe I ought to print out this thread, and leave it strategically tucked into the book, to make sure that he learns the correct point!

BTW I agree that the list thing works, but that reflecting their feelings when they're flinging Lego does not. The thing about reflecting and respecting their feelings is that, if you manage to do it in general, they don't seem to get as frustrated, and so are eventually less likely to get to the Lego-flinging stage. This worked pretty well for us when we had only two dc. But add atomic dc3 and looneytunes moi to the mix, and it's not quite working any more.

Maybe what I need is someone to reflect and respect my feelings, so that I don't get to the Lego-flinging stage so quickly!