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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to expect XH to get a job and pay some maintenance for his son

29 replies

SingleMum01 · 07/01/2010 20:47

My XH has been in and out of jobs for the last 14 mths and maintenance has been very irregular. During that time he has paid a total of 4 mths maintenance. We have a court consent order, however, i understand this isn't worth enforcing if he's claiming he's out of work.

He's recently set up an internet radio station with a friend and is selling advertising. He says he doesn't get a salary and any commission he gets is reinvested in the radio station. He says he's on income support and gets housing benefit. I suspect he also does disco's (dj) although I can't prove it. He says he can't afford any maintenance. I think this is partly down to him being crap with money and partly because he refuses to get a proper job.

He won't to mundane normal jobs as he sees himself as above that - he was well known in the local area. Whereas if I lost my job I would take anything to pay the bills as I'd have to.

AIBU to expect him to get a proper job to help pay a bit for his son, I don't expect lots, but its the principle.

He's emailed me tonight in response to my email to say there won't be any maintenance for the foreseeable future.

AIBU to contact the CSA.

Sorry for the rant.

OP posts:
Ivykaty44 · 07/01/2010 20:49

yanbu but you know that your not, your dc needs shoes and his father should be contributing to that.

I wouldn't bother even picking up the phone to the csa - they are a pile of shit

moondog · 07/01/2010 20:50

Who are these despicable fuckers who seem to be able to live with themselves despite contributing bugger all to the wellbeing of ther offspring? I can't get my head around the fact that such immoral people walk the earth.

LaurieFairyCake · 07/01/2010 20:52

Yes it's immoral but not illegal, anyone can choose how they live their life.

There's no point contacting the CSA if he's not working and getting income support though unless you want your £5 a week (but if its the principle you may want it).

TheFallenMadonna · 07/01/2010 20:53

My sister works full time. Her XP doesn't work. He doesn't contribute anything to support his daughter. My niece goes to nursery full time because he won't care for her while my sister is at work. He won't have her overnight, because he "won't babysit". He is a waster of the highest order. Grrr. YANBU.

pithyslicker · 07/01/2010 20:55

Has he always been like this about work?
If he has I can't see him changing

gaelicsheep · 07/01/2010 20:55

Contacting the CSA will only make it less likely he'll get a job under these circumstances if you ask me. They have no powers to force him.

Original poster
SingleMum01 · 07/01/2010 20:59

PithySlicker - yes he has, when we were married he lost his job and I ended up supporting him for 2 years before I found out he'd been having an affair for a year! Bastard. Bitter - me!

I should thank my lucky stars, at least I don't have to support him again now.

OP posts:
maristella · 07/01/2010 21:01

my ex hasnt paid up in years
i heard various snippets on the grapevine about him working here and there, in particular working abroad. that really sucked as we couldn't afford to get away!
so i reported him i let the benefits agency sort the fact from the fiction.
if he is taking money on the radio station he is on dodgy ground with his benefits. and they will investigate any suspicions about him djing.
moondog is so right - this avid refusal to support your own dc is totally unacceptable. don't stand for it! let the authorities do their job, and maybe one day he'll do his.

Shodan · 07/01/2010 21:04

Of course YANBU, but I don't think contacting the CSA will do you any good at all.

It's a bitter conclusion I've had to come to too. My XH has never paid regular maintenance, although up to 18 months ago he paid a bit here and there. But I've had nothing for the last 18 months. Most of me is resigned to it (as is my dear DH, who has willingly and gladly taken ds1 on as his own) but part of me would still like to smack XH very hard when he drips up to collect ds1 for weekends.

If I'd contacted the CSA, he would simply have walked out of his job- a speciality of his all through our marriage.

So, no advice, but I feel your pain.

Original poster
SingleMum01 · 07/01/2010 21:06

i'm wondering how I can respond to his email - apart from get a bloody job and pay for your child!

OP posts:
gaelicsheep · 07/01/2010 21:12

That will do won't it?!

HerBeatitude · 07/01/2010 21:22

TBH I think you should just accept that it's not going to happen.

My XP is supposed to pay me a fiver a week, but it doesn't happen. It's too little to waste brainspace and energy on. I could call the CSA, but it's just a waste of time and phone charges.

When they introduced the CSA, they said it would put a stop to men like this. They lied, it didn't, all it did was lower average maintenance so that it's now at poverty levels for most lone parents. That's not going to change any time soon and you could spend years flogging a dead horse when you could be enjoying your life instead.

Sorry.

gaelicsheep · 07/01/2010 21:25

The CSA is way too busy hounding men who do try their best already, to be bothered with men like SingleMum01's ex.

CirrhosisByTheSea · 07/01/2010 21:28

'won't be any maintenance for the forseeable future'...agree, I just don't know how someone could say that about their own child. There are no words for how crap that is.

I wonder if the reverse psychology approach might work. e-mailing back something like 'Please don't worry right now. I know you are a good dad and not one of those terrible wankers who avoid declaring what they earn so as not to pay for their own child. Someone as educated as you knows how damaging that sort of thing can be to children. I know that when our son is a man himself he will be proud of the father he has had and how you have worked hard to support him even when things have not been easy. I do hope things take off for you. I will be in touch again in a month to see how things are'....... Shame him into possible action?! Though I guess someone who can even think of not paying anything toward their own child's care, is perhaps beyond shame anyway.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 07/01/2010 21:29

Moondog I completely agree - how can you not feel a sense of responsibility and obligation towards your own children?

caramelwaffle · 07/01/2010 21:46

You are not being unreasonable.

mummysgoingmad · 07/01/2010 22:04

singlemum01 - i wouldn't reply to that email. if it was me i would leave it as you'l only make yourself really angry. Oh btw what a complete prick! i have no time for men that wont pay for their kids or see them. My opion - castrate every last 1 of the fuckers!

StewieGriffinsMom · 07/01/2010 22:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

gaelicsheep · 07/01/2010 22:34

Yes I'd agree with that point wholeheartedly - there's definitely something dodgy going on.

I must say though that if your ex had good reasons for not earning then I would be responding differently. I don't subscribe to the "all ex DH's without steady jobs are complete w*nkers" mentality, as life throws many things at people that are beyond their control.

maristella · 07/01/2010 22:48

cirrhosis - spot on, shame the fecker! don't give him anger, rise right above him.
and everyone is right too - he's workshy and dodges responsibility, he's not about to change. that doesn't mean you have to make it easy for him

CardyMow · 08/01/2010 01:26

The CSA are a bunch of inept idiots trained monkeys who don't chase parents that truly avoid paying...take it from someone who knows, so far I've wasted almost 12 years of my life trying to make them. Once you've started trying to get maintenance through them, it's almost impossible to get out of the agancy (in my situation, anyway), they make things 10 times worse (long story, would involve a massive thread hijack, so won't bother) and do absolutely bugger all nothing that actually helps*. Avoid like the plague unless you are as stubborn as a mule, and the principle of making your ex-p pay means more than your own sanity...(which to me it does, but just saying, if I had known 12 years ago what I know now, I'd never have picked up the ruddy phone to them...).

PortiaPie · 08/01/2010 06:20

Could you contact your local MP for advice. I used to be a caseworker for one and dealt with many CSA cases. Some of the cases were awful and I used to get so frustrated with the CSA at times, but MP offices have a different level of access to the CSA, so it might be worth giving them a call.

nancydrewrocks · 08/01/2010 06:37

Not unreasonable at all. Seriously who are these feckless twats who couldn't care less if their children are fed and clothed?

Madascheese · 08/01/2010 08:18

YANBU

But you may be being unreasonable if you expect it to get sorted. I couldn't agree more about feckless arseholes who refuse to take responsibility for their children.

When I rang the CSA about my exh who moved abroad, they went oh, we don't have a box for that on our form, we'll have to put you refused to disclose the father details...

I said, errr I didn't refuse, here is his address and here is our marriage certificate, they went. 'sorry we don't have a box on the form.....

I wouldn't mind but the reason my feckless arse doesn't work is because his family is so rich he doesn't need to do so....so he turns up in luxury hire cars, luxury accomodation for contact visits but not so much as a shoelace for his son while he's living with me. Pisses me right off and I do feel your pain.

The best I can do (after fighting off the maintenece claim exh is making against me...I kid you not) is go f*ck it, and get on with raising our son the best I can because if I stopped to think about what his cocknose sperm donor does I'd get quite cross!

Sorry to rant off, not much help I suppose...

gets coat emoticon

GetOrfMoiLand · 08/01/2010 08:39

Men like this are useless, i totally agree with Moondog. DD's father hasn't paid a penny for about 9 years. He also hasn't bothered seeing her (he lived too far away, it was too hard, it was upsetting bringing her back, all the excuses).

How the fuck do you explain to a child that their father - one of the people who are supposed to love them most in the world - cannot be bothered to make the effort to see them. DD is 14. She is (thank my luck) well adjusted and happy, however I imagine that there will be a period, probably sooner rather than later, where she will start being very angry about it.

I never wanted a bloody fortune from him anyway. Fought with teh CSA to get them to chase him, and had an attachment of earnings order which took money direct from his employer, it was £40 a month. Then he changed his job, moved house and has not been seen since.

I tried to maintain contact via his parents but they never made a sodding effort either, it was all making excuses on his behalf, he's depressed, he is trying hard to save money for a car, he needs to make a new start with his life.

I am usually a laid back character but I swear to god if I ever saw that man again I would swing for him. How dare he do that to my daughter. It is unforgiveable in my eyes.

OP - that email 'no maintenance for the forseeable future' - what a disgrace. Surely surely he could spare a tenner a week. It is the equivalent of three pints, a couple of packets of fags, or a takeaway pizza. I am pretty sure your X doesn't deprive himself of anything.

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