to NOT want DH to help BF's Husband out with this?

[toodleypip]

I love my friend, I really do, but she & her DH seem to take quite alot from my DH lately that I'm beginning to feel they're taking advantage, and possibly being a bit sneaky.

Last week we received a call to say they had received a new kitchen which they'd ordered - could DH come by and check they've received everything they should have. My friend never mentioned it to me although I'd spoken to her the same day, and it's something we'd normally tell one another. Anyway, I know this will lead to my husband fitting the kitchen for them as DH's husband will umm and ahh about things, ask DH's advice, and DH will offer to go round after work when he's already snowed under (excuse the pun!) because otherwise he'll receive constant phonecalls every step of the way until it's just easier to do it himself. They wont pay him to do it although this is what he does for a living.

This railroading has happened on several occasions lately, and this guy never does something for nothing - he's renowned (sp?) for it. I've known him alot longer than DH and it's really getting to me now.

I hate that I feel so strongly that he doesn't help - as this makes me as bad as them - but the double standards are apalling.

(quick example: DH was making same mans mothers front path safer in the summer, as a favour, it was in a shocking state. When he asked the guy for help with it one afternoon, he said he couldn't. He had a golf lesson!! It was HIS mothers path! DH had to pay one of his own employees to come and help) I can think of 5 more examples from the last 3 months alone!!

Should I just be grateful my DH is so nice and be glad to help.....again.......or am I justified in my rant??

YANBU, but it's really hard to say no in this situation.

What does your DH think? If he agrees, but feels awkward saying no, then you'll have to come up with a joint, plausible, simple excuse and stick to it.

For example, "sorry, but I have a big, rush job on at the moment. I could arrange for one of my workmen to come round, his daily rate is only £xx.xx"

YANBU but it's not going to stop until your DH refuses to let it carry on.

I would suggest that he offers to fit their kitchen for them but they will have to pay him. And for any other work then agree and say 'that'll be x amount'.

If he carries on doing things for them, at his cost and inconvinience then they are not going to stop asking him.

agree, you are not being unreasonable but your DH needs to get his priorities right and grow some balls!

if they ask him to do it, say yes, it'll cost X.
if they don't ask, but keep phoning, just switch the phone off!

I would also get him to say he has other jobs on and if they want his services, they will have to pay seeing as it is his profession and he can't take time away from other paying customers. I agree with above, if he carries on doing it, they are going to carry on asking. YANBU btw. This would really piss me off too, they are totally taking advantage. We had a kitchen delivered and my DH knows nothing about that sort of thing but he was quite capable of checking what they had recieved against the reciept. The know exactly what they are doing and just waiting for your DH to offer to do it for them.

That path thing really took the piss!!!!

He feels the same, he knows whats coming and we've said to one another that the best route is to simply be honest as DH is very busy with work. However, this has happened before and somehow DH still ends up round there, which has caused us to argue in the past, not massively, but I get annoyed at how we get manipulated.

If he can't fit a kitchen - which to my knowledge he can't - why buy one to fit yourself?

He'll also be asking for trade price materials, to lend specialist tools, DH's plasterers, tilers - the works.

It makes my blood boil. We just have to stand firm and ignore the odd phonecall. But aaaarrrggghhh!!! I hate being in this position. plotting and planning to avoid helping, but it really is beyond the usual realms of lending a hand.

Be matter of fact: Look, mate I recommend you pay someone to fit your kitchen. I can't do it in my free hours after work, I'm knackered. If you want me to quote you I can or recommend some other fitters if you don't want to use a friend.

I get this in my profession. I have the kind of job where people just ask 'could you just have a look at...' or 'I just need a bit of advice...'

I posted a few months ago about this and the best thing that came up was saying. 'Look, I would like to help but as this is something I do for a living I will not do it in my spare time. If you want advice, I am happy to help in work hours and will charge for my time. That way, if anything goes wrong with the work I have done, you will be fully able to get compensation/restoration. I was glad to help in the past but I have realised it is important to my family that I don't let things spill over into the time I spend with them.

HTH

you shouldn't feel like this

YOU are just being normal!!! they are the ones taking the piss, you have no reason to feel bad or not like what's happening.

just htink of yourself as nice, reasonable people, which you are. and them as weirdy grabbing spongers.

then maybe it'll be easier to say no?

seriously though, dh is busy, he needs his tools, he can recommend a fitter, or do it himself for money. end of.

go on, be strong, you can do it!!!

DH does have balls bless him, but when he asks to lend something that he knows DH has, or knows someone who does this or that, it's hard to say no without seeming petty.

Also, DH gets carried away and sometimes mentions things and this fella never forgets - 6 months later, he'll call and say, remember when you bought that xyz? well mines playing up, you couldn't fill it with petrol, and drop it round and then collect it when I'm finished could you???

Hmmmmm maybe he does need more balls. Maybe so do I. We need to work on our collective balls.

i hate people taking the piss yanbu

if he has balls then good! he can say no?

if the guy asks to borrow something just say no, sorry, we're using all the tools at the moment because, um, it's my JOB you eejit!

no, really, if he is worried about appearing petty then just make something up.
tell him he isn't lending things out any more after a couple of tools went missing or something

I think if I were your DH - I'd say I couldn't do it without being paid/having a contract in case something goes wrong as wouldn't be covered by his public liability insurance.

Its very very naughty of your bf and her DH and would make look at the friendship to be honest.

Other thing is your DH could just avoid their calls . . .

Or, you tell your BF that this is putting your DH in an awkward position and you would appreciate it if they didn't ask him for help as he is overwhelmed with work ATM and you won't be happy about him taking on more unpaid things.
Sometimes its better to go through the women!

I agree with most posters, your DH needs to tell them he is too tied up with work and is too tired to do it in his spare time. If they ask to borrow tools make excuses, "I left them at a big job I am working on, my xxxx has borrowed it to fit his own kitchen etc."
After a few refusals to do the work and borrow stuff they will get fed up asking. Just be v v polite and get your excuses straight with each other.

My DH used to have a Luton van, and every bloody weekend it seemed that someone was asking him to pick some piece of furniture up (Oh, MrMalovitt has got a van; he'll do it' ) or, even worse, ask him to help them move house, usually promising that all he would have to do was drive from A to B. In reality, he'd be lifting and carrying boxes and come home exhausted after working all week in his normal job.

Once, he was out helping someone for 14 hours, doing loads of heavy lifting, loads of driving and the 'friends' bought him a manky takeaway pizza to say thanks. No petrol money for the 80 miles he'd driven in a thirsty vehicle, nothing.

So I took charge. If anyone asked about the van, he passed the call onto me & quoted them similar rates to hire companies or told them it wasn't available. I didn't care if I was unpopular, I was sick of DH being taken advantage of. We got rid of it eventually because of all the freeloaders.

Be firm - say that your DH is too busy. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat.

No, you are all right.

Reading the various ways you've all worded it, it's matter of fact, simple as that.

I'm getting into the 'overthinking it' stage - better to just be straight.

But I can't understand peopple like that. I have been the recipient of favours, many, don't get me wrong. But I'm very concious of not taking advantage, and I just don't get people who have the front to ask for such large favours all the time.

People.

oooh or be all nicey nicey to BF and say "oh, i'm SO grateful that you didn't ask dh to help with the kitchen, he has SO much work on and people just keep taking the piss"

I would say it to my friend, but she's one of these who lays low until it's 'sorted out between the men' - hence not even telling me they're getting a new kitchen - quite a big thing, she tells me when she buys new knickers for gods sake! She KNOWS it's a piss take. A premeditated, 'lets buy a kitchen we know we can't fit in the January sales' piss take.

thisisyesterday - ha ha! hmmm yes good point about DH using the tools!

Malovitt - we have a van too - I feel your pain!

We do need to be stronger - beleive it or not we are with most people....it's just this one pesky man!

Thanks all My rage has subsided thnaks to you all taking sense!

Some really good responses here! toodleypip, for the record, this is a cheeky way to behave, and I'm not surprised you and DH have been suckered by it a number of times, as it's hard to credit - and prepare for - such cheek. Keep your heads up - YANBU.

hi, any more news on this?

Well, after the initial phonecall DH said he'd try and get round if he could, and the other guy hasn't been in touch today, I dare say he will be tomorrow. Knowing him he'll have ants in his pants by now.

We've agreed to take the being too busy stance for the time being and if he presses further, DH said he'll have no problem telling him he's not willing to do it without payment, so we'll see how it pans out.

best of luck - it's horrible being taken advantage of. Also its horrible for you just waiting for the inevitable phone call that you know will come - that's so stressful too.

And make sure that if this friend does offer to pay DH that it isn't some nominal mates rate of £25 and a can of beer, but it's a proper costed job and then he can do it in normal work hours and make a profit.

I agree with everyone who has said that he should offer to quote for the job or to suggest another tradesman.

As for the borrowing tools my dh gets this a lot and he always says "no, sorry, but I need them for my livelyhood and can't afford for them to be broken, they are expensive. Here's the name of a place where you can hire one ..." One friend got annoyed but most people are fine and understand.

The problem comes when it is the phone callsa bout odd little bits - things that seem like a favour etc etc but they mount up. best thing is to either ignore the phone or say "oh, I'd love to help but I'm playing with the kids/cutting the lawn/otherwise busy at the moment, I have a spare half hour 2 weeks next tuesday if you can wait that long" unless they are thickskinned as a rhino they will cotton on.

I can see this from the other side though, my firends hubby is a computer whiz (although it's not his job) and he has fixed our computer lots of times, whilst I havent paid him, I do always make him a cake to say thankyou or buy them a takeaway if they come round together while he works on the pc. Also, he is the type of person who would say no so I dont feel like i would ever guilt him into anything.

Yes, you see, gingernutlover, that's a more normal way to behave, and I'm not surprised your computer nut friend hasn't yet refused to fix your computer!