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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to be feeling upset about this

13 replies

parsniponion · 07/01/2010 18:20

I moved to another city last year and was fortunate to move to a small road of only a few houses. My immediate neighbours are all couple with children, most of whom have children in classes a few years up from DD2. I was made to feel very welcome and we all used to socialise together. I have rarely been able to invite any of them back to my house becuase DH has a degenerative bone condition and sleeps at all hours of the day due to pain and is often asleep on the sofa which makes things awkward but I have explained this to these women. Also DH feels as if they are "not his type of people" so refuses to socialise with them meaning I miss out on all the nights where it is couples.

2 months ago I was able to invite them over for a meal as DH was driving to Wales to stay with family for a long weekend but when I texted them I only heard back from one of them who was unable to come. Nothing from the rest. I also invited one of them to come to see a kids play at the local theatre last week as I knew her DD would love it as would my two. Again I heard nothing. Not even a no thanks. I still get invited to the gatherings where everyone goes but never to the smaller ones where only a few go and often have to sit and watch as some of the women go into the house a few doors down and sit in the front garden with wine and a bbq knowing I have not been invited.

I know it is natural that some friendships would be stronger than others but I do feel upset about this whole thing. I don't know many other people here - this is my social network and I feel as if they are gradually trying to distance themselves from me. I also irrationally maybe? blame DH thinking that perhaps if he made the effort more when he is feeling ok then perhaps everything would be better.

OP posts:
moondog · 07/01/2010 18:24

Why can';t your dh sleep upstairs if he needs to?
It seems unfair that his condition prevents you fgrom having people home.
Also. does he work?
Do you work?

I don;t think though you can feel miffed at not being invited to small get togethers.
I mix with a big group but there are 3/4 of us who are good friends and sometimes social outings just involve them.There are other splinter groups within the wide circle too and i would never feel upset at not being invited to something they did together.

JustAnotherManicMummy · 07/01/2010 18:27

YABU to text. If you want to invite people ring them up! Then there's no confusion.

Also wondered if your DH could sleep upstairs?

TheRoyalty · 07/01/2010 18:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

parsniponion · 07/01/2010 18:32

He does sleep upstairs but spends most of the night tossing and turning so invariably falls asleep on the sofa during the day / evening as he is shattered. He still doesn't sleep properly but sleeps there fitfully. I work FT but he is unable to work at present because of this and hasn't for the past 3 years.

I think what hurts the most is that I am never part of the smaller groups yet a mum who moved in a month ago is. They are all in their mid thirties wheras I am forty one but am very similar to them so age should not come into it. I perhaps do not make as much effort as the rest do because I feel any effort I do make is going to be rebuffed or ignored and I am not strong enough to cope with that. I wish they would at least acknowledge any invites I do make

OP posts:
parsniponion · 07/01/2010 18:34

I agree about the ringing - that is my preferred method, but this is how the rest do things too

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overmydeadbody · 07/01/2010 18:40

the thing is, not everyone actually gets on with everyone else, and perhaps none of them feel they have clicked with you enough for smaller more intimate meetings? They do not ^have to get on with you, and if they are incluing you in bigger events then they obviously like you and are making an effort, but perhaps it is up to you to make more effort?

OR just persevere, sometimes it just takes time to build up friendships?

BigBadMummy · 07/01/2010 18:43

and are you sure she has not changed her phone number? Is that still the right number for her?

I agree with all other posts re your husband sleeping upstairs or being as seen as incredibly rude.

JustAnotherManicMummy · 07/01/2010 18:49

Parsniponion you have two choices:

  1. You carry on as you are but accept that your imagination will read into situations things that may not be there and this could make you feel upset.
  1. You take control of the situation and choose an activity and call up some people to see if they can come along. You may be disappointed and find no one does and you should prepare for that. However, you may find that people do want to do something or that they can't do that particular date and you decide to do suggest something else.

The important thing is that you are in charge of the current situation and I sincerely hope you take option 2 and have some success. Best of luck

parsniponion · 07/01/2010 18:50

I agree - he is perfectly pleasant when he sees them but point blank refuses to socialise. People are not stupid, they must realise he is being miserable and I get penalised for it

Her number is still the same because she sent me a text a few days ago to ask if she could borrow my shovel for the snow.

If I am perfectly honest there are three of four that perhaps I would not be friends with if we did not live near each other. Also they often talk badly about another couple of the mums who I probably like the best if I am honest. These mums though have three kids each and incredibly hectic lives so don't have the time to socialise as much. I just feel sad that any effort I do make is not acknowledged and find it hard to watch some of them going out all dressed up etc when I have not been invited. I am one of those people who just wants to be liked I suppose and is also very easily hurt

OP posts:
JustAnotherManicMummy · 07/01/2010 18:53

parsnip most of us feel like this at one time or another. Don't feel bad. Decide who you'd like to be particularly friendly with and concentrate your efforts on them.

I know that's easier to say than do.

SolidGoldBloodyJanuaryUrgh · 07/01/2010 18:58

I think you are not being unreasonable to feel that this is partly your H's fault, because while he can't help being ill, he can help being rude all the time. It probably is a fairly major factor in these women keeping their distance, they may (unfairly) be thinking that you are as antisocial as him.
What kind of pain management/treatment is your H having? It is difficult for people who are in constant pain to be cheerful, sure, so maybe his medical care needs reassessing.

moondog · 07/01/2010 18:59

It's a fact of life that not everyone wants you to be their bessie mate.
That's fine because in fact you don't want to be everyone's bessie mate either.

parsniponion · 07/01/2010 20:40

There has been some really helpful advice on here so thank you all. I do have a tendency to over analyse things and to worry about things that are out of my control. I will carry on inviting the mums and see what happens. I am also going to speak to DH to get him to go back to our GP to see what else can be done for him. The medication he takes is not working and this may be what is making him moody / unsociable. I don't think I can change how easily hurt I get but maybe I can learn to realise this is just me and that I need time to lick my wounds and reflect on things. Deep down I know that I would not wish to be best friends with every one of these women so the same can be said for them with me. I just need time to get my head around that.

And *Justanothermanicmum - you are very righ. I have in the past made things worse in my head than they actually are. I am going to try very hard to carry out option 2 from now on

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