Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

Original poster

to feel slightly concerned for my friend?

14 replies

Coldhands · 07/01/2010 09:42

I have a friend who I met through a website. We get on well and I really like her. We have been friends for well over a year now.

She recently went on holiday to America, fine, then her FB status said she was engaged! I didn't know she was seeing anyone, so I sent a message saying congrats, who is the mystery man etc.

She replied saying she was too embarrassed to tell anyone before but she got talking to some guy on FB last May. He lives in America. He came over last Sept and then he asked her to go over and see him in Dec. She said she couldn't afford it but in the end he paid for her and her daughter. While she was there, he said he couldn't live without her and proposed. She said yes and now he is hiring an immigration lawyer to see if she can go over.

My concern is her daughter is a result from a whirlwind romance with her exH. They were toether for 5 months, he proposed, they got married, pregnant then he left her just after the baby was born, moving away and he doesn't come very often to see their DD. My friend is still in her (fairly) early 20's and I just think that she could be being a bit impulsive again (nothing worng with that) but when it involves moving you and your young DD to another country, what happens if it doesn't work etc? I know it is none of my business and she is totally free to do as she likes, but I am a bit concerned as you has only met this guy twice. Anyone can say anything they want over the net. AIBU?

OP posts:

Original poster

Coldhands · 07/01/2010 09:43

That last sentence should say "I am a bit concerned as SHE has only met this guy twice."

OP posts:

MitchyInge · 07/01/2010 09:44

yanbu to be concerned

has her impulsivity been a problem in other areas of her life too?

bluesheep · 07/01/2010 09:47

YANBU to be concerned for your friend, but she is an adult and she makes her own choices. If she asks for your honest advice you could say you are concerned for her, but she may resent you if you try and change her mind about going.

Good luck, hope your friend makes the right choices.

Original poster

Coldhands · 07/01/2010 09:47

I don't know. She has moved alot but I think that was more to do with family. She has lived in Italy, but I'm sure that was with family. The only family she has in the area we live is her grandad so I do think she may get lonely. It just seems like a very drastic solution to get away.

OP posts:

Original poster

Coldhands · 07/01/2010 09:48

Yeal, I wouldn't try to change her mind. It is totally her choice, I'm just worried that it could be a bit of a pattern emerging. She was seeing some guy in Holland before this and turned into a bit of a stalker (luckily he couldn't do that much from another country).

OP posts:

MitchyInge · 07/01/2010 09:50

adults can be vulnerable though bluesheep

am just wondering about possibility of mental health problems, projecting own experiences a bit maybe

not that everyone who marries impulsively has a treatable psychiatric condition of course, this could be a fairytale romance with full happy ever after

Original poster

Coldhands · 07/01/2010 09:53

Mitchy, thats what I'm obviously hoping for. I'm just thinking what happens if it all goes tits up in a few months, she could be stuck in another country with no family or friends, job, money, place to live. God, the more I think about it, the more concerned I am. I guess I'll go and vist when she comes back (she is still over there) and just see what she says about it.

OP posts:

MitchyInge · 07/01/2010 09:56

I have quite a bleak view of these things and would worry too, find it difficult to be thrilled for friends who move in with men who have previously been abusive to them

obviously that is a different situation but nobody wants to hear about the pitfalls when they are embarking on a great romantic adventure do they?

I suppose all you can do is stay in touch and be there if needed - who's to say it won't work out wonderfully and she'll go on to have a happy life there

ChippingIn · 07/01/2010 11:38

I would be worried too - but at 5, even if it all goes arse up and she comes back, it will probably just be a bit of an adventure for the 5 year old (depending on her personality of course). If it was my friend and I thought that her daughter was be devastated by it all (either going or going & having to come back if it doesn't work), then I'd say something.... aren't friends the people who keep you grounded and look out for you - not just 'yes' men??

Original poster

Coldhands · 07/01/2010 19:43

Chipping, my friends DD isn't 5, she is nearly 3. Also, I had this awful thought that this bloke could have targeted a single mum on purpose. I know I'm being totally paranoid but he just randomly found her on facebook.

She has sent me another message and it seems like this bloke is just sorting everything out for her to move over there. It just all seems very fast.

And yes, when I see her, I will ask if shes absolutely sure she knows what she is doing.

OP posts:

busybutterfly · 07/01/2010 20:33

So it's dodgy that he met her online but it's not dodgy that you did exactly the same thing?

You don't know anything about how he feels about her - so YABU.

nitsparty · 07/01/2010 20:37

I think you tell her how you feel but make it clear you will always stay friends with her.Persuade her to put aside enough money to get back to family quickly if she needs too. Tell her her little girl might need to see relatives or something. If you say outright"he might be a pedophile" you'll just alienate her and make it impossible for her to ask you for help if she needs it. Try to speak to him-let him know she's got friends. And yes, you are right to worry- it might be ok and it might not-certainly there are warning signs. Also, I'd be tempted to google him.

Heracles · 08/01/2010 03:41

You're right (and it's nice to be) concerned but what can you do? People rarely thank you for interfering.

The best thing you can do is be a good friend, be supportive and just make it clear that, if it doesn't work out, she should be totally comfortable telling you so and you can then work things out from there.

Who knows? he might just be fantastic, in which case: great! Or he might be a bastard, in which case she'll need you to be a good friend.

Fingers crossed and mouth shut would be my advice.

Original poster

Coldhands · 08/01/2010 09:32

Busybutterfly, it is completely different from me meeting someone from my hometown through a parenting website. We met in town for quite a while before I went to hers. This bloke randomly found her on FB, he is in another country, not a very close one and after 2 meetings, he says he can't live without her and is making the arrangements for her to move there. So I don't think you can compare the two.

Nitsparty, I'll have to find out his name, she has said his first name but if I ask for his sirname it may look a bit suspicious. Good idea though, wouldn't have thought of it. Also, she has no spare money to put aside, she is a single mum who doesn't work and doesn't have any extra. Thats why I'm wondering if shes a bit desperate to escape her life style. This bloke must have a bit as she said he has his own business, so hopefully it will work out and he will look after her. It will just be a shame to lose a friend that I really liked (obviously keep in touch via e mail, but its not quite the same).

Heracles, yes I know, I don't want to come across as interferring at all. I'll have to try and be diplomatic, not one of my strong points though, lol.

OP posts:

Flip