to give FM ultimatum over drugs

[disneychic]

I am livid!!! so may go of on a tangent here!!

I am close to someone in my Family, you may say they are my best friend. She is a bit of a fibber, but tells 1 person 1 thing and me another. I always find out usually but just let it go over my head. HOWEVER.....

I found out a couple of days ago that she has been taking cocaine on a weekly basis, and from what I can gather it is starting to get more regular. There are 3 young children in the house, and she is doing it while they are in bed. She won't talk about this with me as I think people who take drugs are scum, and if they have got kids too...well I can't express what I think of them. She knows how strongly I feel on the matter ( what makes me laugh is that she agrees with on the matter to my face ) and I know she will be worried that she will lose me as a friend. Our children are close and I love hers so much that the thought of what she is doing is knocking me sick!!
She is quite a volatile person and goes up like a bottle of pop ( to put it nicely ) at the smallest thing.

I am going to confront her about it and tell her that I know, tell her that she is hanging out with the wrong people, TRY and be understanding,tell her I will help her if she needs me to, and that she either stops or I will tell her Mum and her partners Mum!

Her partner does it too but is not as say....gung-ho.....about it as her. I just feel like someone needs to do something for the sake of the kids, as they are visiting the houses of drug dealers and drug takers and god forbid anything should happen to them and I kept my mouth shut.

Any advice on wording, or experience will be great...

bump

I think you're too angry to be objective enough to do this right now. I would definitely advise confronting your friend - once you're able to put your emotions aside.

I think telling her Mum and/or her partner's Mum is not justifiable ... that is not your move to make, imo. It feels like a decision motivated by your rage, and not by compassion or genuine concern.

Agree that telling her Mum won't help - she will be upset with you, her Mum will be upset with her... it could well end communication between the two of you and possibly with her Mum when you say you want to support her.

FWIW, I don't think that what she's doing is the worst thing in the world, assuming she isn't taking the kids with her when she buys it and that sort of thing. I don't think it's too far removed from drinking excessively when your kids are in bed, which lots of people do without it being seen as much of a problem. But I appreciate that this isn't going to change your views.

I think when you discuss it with her you just have to be honest about how you feel - but don't expect her to change her behaviour based on your feelings. I expect that she thinks that what she's doing is ok - you may have to decide whether you can put up with it and still be friends with her, or whether it's a 'deal breaker'.

Intergalactic, I would second your post in every way.

Agree with intergalactic as well.

Yep - intergalactic sums it up. People who take drugs are not 'scum' really, you may think so but it's a bit of an overreaction. You are right to be worried if she is out of control in sole charge of children or taking them to buy drugs with her, but you cannot tell their mums.

I was not going to tell their Mums as long as she agreed to stop doing it. I am going to be supportive if her and remain calm, but I was just wondering who was on the childrens side in all this???

The people who she spends time with have questionable morals as it is , they leave an 11 yr old to babysit 3 under 3's, openly agree to teenagers stealing and underage ( really underage ) drinking.....I could go on.

Lets just say she does not agree to stop and refuses to acknowledge that she has a problem, I will not have her as part of my life, and I will tell their Mums for the simple reason that someone needs to be around these kids that DONT take drugs and will be able to keep an eye on their welfare.

There is nothing else I think of too do!!

I have to say that I am shocked by some of the attitudes to Class A drugs on here!
If the person is single, they can get on with it for all I care but when children are involved your playing with their live's not just your own.

Cocaine has become such an acceptable drug, if you can call it that, for so many people that I suspect that you are going to get a few answers like the previous ones.

I do not agree, I am against all drug taking. Saying that, I do not know enough about cocaine use and the dangers/risks to the children to really make an informed decision about what I would do. I am sure that there are others on MN who can tell you more about that.

If I were you, I would do the following:

Find out (based on independent research, not on something that you have heard from someone) exactly how cocaine affects a person, and if they would still be able to function and care for children whilst taking it.

When you have that info, you can speak to your friend, in a calm and measured voice and tell her your fears. Why you are so unhappy about her, your fears for her DC and for her own health.

Leave the mums out of it to begin with.

@MmeLindt

Thanks for that

I have read up on the drugs and am starting to see why she spends all day on the couch afetr a night out. It is getting to be more frequent now, she talks to me of feeling down and tired all the time - well quite frankly it's no wonder!
She is 1 of these people that thinks they are 'entitled' to a night out or 2 a week, regardless whether or not she can afford it, but doesn't stroll in till 4-5 am.

She has started to tell more lies recently, which is obviously to cover up what she is doing. I sound quite hard and uncaring in my posts, but I am NOT like that!! I want to help her and I will if she lets me, but if not then I HAVE to think of the kids!

It is the thought of what the kids could see, find and what could 'potentially' happen to them that gets me so angry!

I agree with you that cocaine is becoming much more acceptable socially, but I would like to know if the people who take it socially would find it acceptable for their children to do so!!

Perhaps you would have more luck if you talked to her about the effects that her drug taking has on her children, her lethargy, her depression.

And stress that your concern is for the children, and that if SS were to get wind of her drug taking that it could have serious consequences for her. Maybe that woudl be the wake up call that she needed.

You are not the only person who will notice, others will too.

Just to clarify - I am not condoning the drug use; but, in a similar approach for any addict, it is better to confront the person first rather than approaching other family members.

Then, if that doesn't work, yes, it's time to take pre-emptive steps to protect any children/dependants.

disney, you are being overly judgmental. (And BTW, SS will do little in the case of parental drug use.)

What are your specific concerns for her children? It sounds as though you just want to force your views on drug taking.

Coke use is both expensive and highly addictive, as with all addictions lies are part and parcel.

I think your FM would benefit more from some compassion and support rather than a judgmental reaction based on no real life experience of coke.

...The fact her partner does it too will make it extremely difficult for her to address her own addiction. You've almost discarded the effect of his involvement but it is and will be key to your FM making any changes.

There seem to be a lot of confused issues here, and I think if there is a problem it is to do with your friends overall lifestyle rather than her drug use.

Your OP talks about occasional use, you say she doesn't tell you about it so I don;t know how you know exactly how much she is taking and how frequently. You say her partner is there and he's not that into it so presumably even if she is a bit toasted he is capable of looking after the children. However you don't know how wasted she/they are getting etc you are just guessing and coming up with dire conclusions based on your attitude to drugs.

There seems to be a separate issue with your friend lying, encouraging her children to steal, going out twice a week until 4am etc. These things do not sound good. However you have no way of telling if they are related to drugs, they may well not be. If she is going out twice a week til 4 and drinking she will be feeling shit, knackered and depressed.

I think you need to address her lifestyle generally with her, teh drugs are a part and parcel of that not the main or only thing. And you say she won't speak to you about her drug use anyway.

If you hate her lifestyle and she won't change/see it then you need to stop being friends with her. Reporting her to her family will only cause her a whole heap of trouble and is likely to simply ruin her family relationships, which may make things worse rather than better.

ss have much bigger concerns than alleged recreational drug use ie child abuse, serious neglect.
i think your relationship with her is in danger here - not just because of her drug use, but because of your attitude towards drug users. yes, some drug users are selfish to the extreme, utter fecking scumbags etc, but the majority are people who feel the need for escapism more than the rest of us, or do not have the self-esteem to handle certain situations - hardly scum.
as a drugs worker i soon learned that an alarmingly high percentage of service users had been abused as children - again hardly scum.
please be kind to her, she may not be escaping extreme emotions, but she is likely to have a confidence issue.

I think a kind word that you are concerned she is not looking after the children very well if she can't get out of bed, and that her health is in danger is more effective than threatening to tell tales tbh. Show that you are concerned rather than judgemental, but I fear this might be difficult for you to pull off.

Agree with BoF - sounds like a good approach to me.

It'll be very difficult to be non-judgemental when you are so against drugs yourself. She may well see you as interfering, not understanding, that it's 'only' coke, etc. It is doubtful whether anything you do say to her will have any impact...she may well agree with you to your face and then just carry on regardless.

You are not the right person to help this woman, because your hysterical attitude towards drugs and your conviction of your own utter superiority over her mean that you are not going to be able to communicate with her in a way she will actually listen to.
Back off and walk away. SHe doesn't live in a vacuum, and there are almost certainly other people in her life who will be able to express their concerns without ranting and screaming at her or grassing her up without thought of the consequences.

so true, the last thing she needs is an attack

Ok I feel like I am being jumped on here and maybe thats my fault for not making myself clear enough!

1. She does not confide in me about drug use, but she does about money issues, problems with kids, her partner, family etc..its the issue with drugs that she leaves out.

1. She has confided with other members of the family about drugs, they feel like it is becoming more of an issue with her lately, have tried to confront her about, but her comeback is ...well u used to do it!! Which they did when they were young, stupid and without children! She has also expressed concern with these family members that she knows its becoming a problem - IT HAS BECOME REGULAR COCAINE USE NOT OCCASIONAL and when she uses it, she takes a lot! They have known about it for years but recently they have seen the problems it is causing for her, so they have come to me out of concern, they certainly are not gossiping, they are repeating to me what she has told them!

1. I am not hysterical!! I simply know the facts of taking cocaine and I am very concerned for her welfare.

1. I am not going to confront with my 'judgemental attitude' or 'attack' her, I know that she is probably feeling down, has deeper issues that need addressing and needs me to be calm, collected and supportive of her

If she comes back at me with a STUFF YOU attitude what does everyone suggest I do???
I know SS will do little - nothing.
Do I wait for something to happen to her or her kids??

Unless she feels her drug use is a problem, any interference from you will be met with a defensive attitude.

Agree totally with SGBs post, I think if you confront her you will be unable to contain your judgemental attitude and will only succeed in alienating her.

Are you worried her children will come to harm? Is she putting them in danger?

It is admirable that you are concerned for her welfare and that of her children and you seem to realise that a confrontation may alienate her and therefore achieve nothing. The only thing I think you can do is approach very gently and say that you are worried about her and can she talk to you about what is going on. Tell her that she knows your opinion on drugs but your feelings for her and her kids are more important and you are not judging her but are there to support her. That is it - unless you feel her kids are in danger it would be counter-productive to interfere any more.

I think this woman needs a wake up call. If i were you i would try and talk to her gently about this. I would concentrate your conversation about the children. what would she do or how would she feel if one of the kids found the drugs and consume it themselves. It would be devastating and she would be in soooooo much trouble with social services. i would be so worried if she was my friend. Dont make any threats to her about telling her mum cause you will loose her completely but this needs to addressed now!!! before its too late. I am not proud of myself but have done cocaine in the past but would not touch it now and i would certainly never ever ever been in a wasted state around my son, not even if he was in bed. This women is loosing her control. It makes me feel angry that the children could be in danger when they both are wasted! She will loose everything if she id not careful!!

You think drug users are scum, but this person is your friend and she, as you're so keen to point out, takes drugs.

You see the gaping hole on your logic here, right?