to not want to holiday with my fil

[wearthefoxhat]

FIL has recently been talking about joining us on our family holiday.
MIL died a few weeks ago, and he's now been spending most of his spare time with us. Generally this is OK, but the only person he'll listen to is my dh, he just ignores and interupts everyone else - this is nothing to do with grieving, he's always been like this!
He sings the praises of his other son and his dil, and I'm sure he does this to point out how crap he thinks I am - eg. Christmas day, the only time he spoke to me all day was to point out that the turkey was too dry, and that he was sure sil's turkey was perfect (I was too polite to point out that he had chosen to spend his every waking minute with us, and would have been welcome with them too)
I am very pleasant and welcoming to him, but it's water off a ducks back to him, as he doesn't acknowledge that I am there in the first place. He's rude to the dc's, doesn't listen to them either and interrupts whatever they say. He gets irritated if they make too much noise.
So all in all, not easy at the moment, but he's welcome here whenever he likes, because the alternative - him sitting at home on his own (he doesn't like to "put apon" his other son ) would just be wrong.
But the thing that has kept me going is the thought of our holiday - two weeks just us. If he decides he's coming too, and dh is trying to persuade him to come too, I think I might as well just send them on their own, and I'll stay at home with the dc's - at least we will be able to talk to each other!

I know I am being very selfish and that IprobablyABU, but do I put my foot down to dh and insist that it is just us?

YANBU in insisting you have a holiday away from FIL

would you be happy to send them all away together and have a week home alone? I'd love to have a complete week off! but understand if you'd not want to be apart
from dc.

Maybe you could suggest something along the lines of your fil, dh and bil go on holiday together for a week of male family bonding and then you and your family excluding fil get to go away together. meanwhile fil can go visit perfect sil and check out her turkey or whatever!

YANBU
sounds awful! Your DH should not be persuading him to come. He should also be having words with his brother about being more proactive with their father. Why isn't the other son having him round or going to see him? He should insist.

I suggested that he goes with his dil and other son, seeing as he hasn't seen much of them, but he wouldn't dream of imposing on their family time

I wouldn't mind a week to myself, but I'm really looking forward to having some time - any time - with dh. I haven't had any time alone with him (apart from sharing the same bed) for 3 months.

DH thinks I'm being unreasonable in leaving his poor bereaved father on his own for two weeks, and put like that, it does seem selfish of me.

YADNBU!!! My FIL is lovely but finds it hard to make conversation with anyone who is not a member of his golf club. We have nothing in common at all, but he does his best. However the thought of a whole holiday with him would fill my heart with dread. If this is going to be your only holiday this year then you really have to put your foot down, you need time together as a family. I think you are already doing your bit having him round a lot at the minute. What about a long weekend away with him (and perfect BIL and SIL) and your own two week holiday? It might just be that he is worrying about what he is going to do all summer.

My BIL (a total pain) kept dropping massive hints about coming on a long weekend me and DP had planned in London, but we just ignored him and booked our own tickets, plus my sister said she would not look after DC if BIL come with us as we needed a break!!!

YANBU - your dh is understandably torn between you and your FIL, but ultimately, he needs to realise that his family life (especially his realtionship with you) needs as much attention and is as important as his FIL. What;s your relationship like with your BIL and his wife? Could you our DH and yspeak with them about the situation and encourage them to make sure FIL knows he wouldn't be a burden if he wanted to spend some of his time with them?

To be honest, it sounds more to me that the FIL in trying to avoid being on his own after bereavement. And from my MIL's case, the longer he puts off making a new life for himself, the harder it will be. I'm not advocating dumping him at home, etc, and I do think that the BIL and family could help out more. BUT FIL needs to re-learn about how to live on his own and coming to terms with it. My nice MIL has a new life, and we see her quite a lot, but no, I won't be asking her to join us on holiday.

YANBU to not want him on your holiday, although this will require tact.

YANBU - We only stopped holidaying with the PILS 2 years ago. They were lovely holidays, which I am incredibly grateful for, but we too suffer from the godlike qualities of my DHs sibling and partner and kids...

It was SUCH a lovely holiday last year when we were on our own, I don't think YABU at all to need some time with just your family, especially as he sounds like quite hard work (boy, do I know THAT feeling).

Good luck finding a tactful way of going about this, both with FIL and your DH. Do SAGA do any kind of single hols (not being sarcastic - some single friends of mine go on singles holidays, tho not saga ones - YET)?

Have you spoken to your husband's brother? He could very well be as rude there, and has been told off, so that's why he doesn't want to go there?

I'm sorry he's just lost his wife, I can't imagine how painful that must be, but in the end you are going to have to lay some ground rules. Stand up for yourself and your children. Eventually you will have to let him know that there's a way that he can interact with you that will go down well and a way that will see him out of your house on the end of your boot!

My bil is willing to have him round there, but it is 7 miles away, as opposed to less than a mile to us.
My sil works, I am an artist, and he doesn't see my "doodlings" as work, so he is a little more respectful of their family time.

I also can't imagine how awful it must be to lose someone, but I can now appreciate how things must have been for my mil, living with someone so critical and domineering.
Standing up for yourelf with him doesn't work, he simply blanks anyone he isn't interested in, and dh doesn't see this as a problem.

I'm going to have a little chat with dh later, and tell him that our holiday is for just us.

Agree I'd talk to husband about this. I did go on holiday with my dad and kids after my mum died and husband chose not to come. It was never going to be a family holiday though and was mainly designed around my dad. If I had been wanting to tag my dad onto a family holiday I would have checked it with husband first and not invited him unless husband happy as it does change the type of holiday you have.
Husband is being unreasonable here by trying to persuade his dad to come without discussing it with you first.