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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Help and Advice Needed

12 replies

NonnoMum · 06/01/2010 01:57

Not sure where to put this in MN but do need some advice/support. The issue is Family Meals, so I suppose the question is, Am I Being Unreasonable to expect 18 yo DSS to TRY to eat food that may have touched vegetables.
I am doing the whole healthy home-cooked food and have a 4.5 yo and 18 month old and try to sit down together.
DSS has lived with us for 2 years now. What should I do? Who professionally can give me advice? Is there a "Relate" equivalent for families.
If I have cooked something where there are "visible" (like shepherd's pie with small diced carrots in it) vegetables he kind of balks and after an attempt will say, Nonno, I just can't eat this.
This is driving me crazy as I am working really hard at healthy eating habits with the younger children. Toddler will eat anything but 4 y o has to be encouraged with the old fruit and veg and will eat a small selection.
I suppose I could let him eat whatever he likes but he gets ill very regularly (colds, coughs, stomach upsets etc) and won't take any vitamin supplements.
I don't want mealtimes to be a battleground in my house but they are!
Not sure what DH really thinks about this.
Help please.

OP posts:
OfficiallyMe · 06/01/2010 02:09

he should eat what hes given or make his own meals

if it was an 18 month old i would say something else

EcoMouse · 06/01/2010 02:12

YANBU! ...but I can't stand older 'children' playing up regarding food in front of my young uns. Have even been known to put my foot down with older children of friends, if they try it in front of my lot

Not sure what the answer is though. Is he aware of how potentially detrimental his poor views on good food are, to the younger family members eating habits?

NonnoMum · 06/01/2010 02:12

Bit broke at the moment, so can't afford to keep the freezer stocked up with pepperoni pizza...
Grrr

OP posts:
hobbgoblin · 06/01/2010 02:42

I think there are two issues here; his own health and well being and his attitude to the family.

At 18, the former is his lookout so long as he is equipped with the knowledge and skills to make informed personal decisions. The latter issue is your concern so long as he spends time under your roof imo.

What kind of attitude does he have overall to his half siblings? Is there resentment or jealousy? Is he just being a PITA because he has a bit of teenagerish attitude? I think you need to establish whether this lack of regard for how the younger children will respond to his behaviour is due to deep seated issues or whether he is just being selfish for the hell of it. When you know the cause then you can either help him or get tough with him and put your foot down.

You really ought to discuss with DH though as it will be a tough battle to fight on your own without his support.

gtamom · 06/01/2010 05:10

Hello
I have 2 grown sons, so I just asked the 22 yr old his opinion. First he asked how much your dss weighs. Then he suggested you let him occasionally prepare an alternative food for himself, and supply him with a good vitamin for males his age. Think of it as a project that you can work on together, a way to teach him healthy eating that tastes good to him as well.
I know some adults that cannot eat certain things, and combination veggies & meat dishes are almost always one of them. It seems to make some people grossed out and repulsed. People are different, some kids will just try and hold out for stuff like pizza or burgers or chicken nuggets because they are allowed to (spoiled) but some really have genuine issues with textures and sauces and foods touching.
If he will eat veggies on their own, maybe keep that in mind when you are making the meals. You can say in advance, "Dss, on Tuesday I am making a stew for dinner, if you can't eat that you will have to prepare yourself another meal. Or you could freeze leftovers of meals he does eat for those times, and he can just zap one on Sheppard's Pie night?
You can't force anyone to eat something that is disgusting to them, but you can help him discover healthy well balanced meals he can whip up himself as a substitute. That is not frozen pizza!

nancydrewrocks · 06/01/2010 05:12

At 18 it is his responsibility to look after his health and well being and so if he is not prepared to eat what you cook then he should be responsible for making himslef something that he will eat.

Plenty of adults have genuine problems with food and it sounds like he is trying but simply cannot help himself. He probably needs a bit if support.

NonnoMum · 06/01/2010 07:55

I do think he has some sort of phobia and it is not just "being difficult". He is very skinny and only hit puberty about a year ago. He likes his half siblings, and choose to come and live with us because of them.
He won't eat any fruit or any veg apart from potatoes. At one point he couldn't even hold a piece of fruit. He also can't do washing up without gloves on as he doesn't like the feel of food bits in water.
I've tried the reasonable/cajoling point of view but now I think I need to get some sort of help as it is causing stress.
I agree with nancy that some sort of support is needed; I don't think it is in the realms of 'normal' behaviour. Has anyone ever heard of family therapy/nutritionist support/health visitor advice for 18 y o? The other thing I thought of was some sort of hypnotherapy.
But obviously I have to be a bit careful I can't exactly say, "Happy Birthday - have bought you a session with a therapist for your food phobia" .
My big problem is how much to get involved as I have only had him here for two years and whether it is too late to do anything about it.

OP posts:
thesecondcoming · 06/01/2010 08:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WhatNoLunchBreak · 06/01/2010 09:08

Hi NonnoMum - I agree with you: this is not normal behaviour. It sounds neurotic, from a psychological perspective.

I'm not sure a nutritionist would be able to help, and would recommend a more behavioural route. Perhaps Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, perhaps further investigation into the causes, i.e. possible OCD, anxiety disorder.

Have you thought about going the more psychological route?

Lancelottie · 06/01/2010 09:26

OK, my son has Aspergers and this sounds very familiar behaviour -- not saying your DSS does, but the same strategies might help IF it's something he wants to overcome. I'd start by assuming that he does and that it could take a LONG time to sort out.

DS hates/hated 'mixed' food and certain textures mashed potato, chopped carrot, cooked apple, for instance. He's also very sensitive to taste, but it's the texture that would make him flee the room gagging. We had to go at it very slowly get his agrrement to try one new food, meaning he might touch it or have it on his plate; then another time he'd lick it; maybe a nibble next time; etc. We also worked from things he did eat and moved slowly into healthier versions (crisps to potato slices to roasties to baked potatoes took nearly a year!)

Gradually the gag reflex didn't happen so often, and he'll now just scrape sauce off food rather than needing a separately cooked meal (still drives me potty, but hey).

He'll eat things raw or barely cooked that he can't tolerate stewed or mushy.

Can you ask your DSS first which foods bother him most and why? Then see if he'll agree that the situation does need some tweaking, and that he'll find it useful later on if he gradually increases his range of tolerance. I'd start then with whichever fruit/veg he finds least revolting -- he and you need some success to build on. If he can now touch fruit and couldn't before, that's already a successful change, so don't knock it.

I seem to be writing you an essay. Sorry, and good luck!

traumaqueen · 06/01/2010 09:45

At the same time, you need to consider how you handle the 'family meal' thing if he really can't eat what you want your small dcs to eat. Does he accept your desire to get your dcs to eat veg? does he see how they look up to him and what a poor message he gives sometimes? Get him onside and come up with a plan of some sort so he doesn't send them the wrong messages. Sounds as though he cares enough for them to help you with that.

Good luck - I have fussy eaters and a skinny teenager. It took me a long time to realise that DS especially has very sensitive taste buds (can tell the difference between two brands of salted butter in a marmite sandwich) and very little appetite. If I waited till he was hungry when he was little he'd never have eaten anything! We agreed that he had to try stuff but if he didn't like it he didn't have to eat it no questions asked.

NonnoMum · 06/01/2010 11:16

Thank you for replies everyone. Some really good strategies and suggestions. Will speak to DH and try not to flip again...

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