to think my friend is only calling every other day because...

[Jackaroo]

I have been in Oz for 2 years. This was the result of meeting DH through said friend. She was always very clear that she was desperate for me to find an Aussie so that we'd both be over here together (the girl done good ). We were "best friends", lived together, maids of honour, I was there at the birth of first baby etc etc.

Since we arrived, she has never invited us over as a family, well, only once when it was a birthday and lots of others there. We did quite a lot together in the first few months when I only had DS 1 and we were living with ILs etc... but still just coffee.

OK, well I know she now has her friends, and I have made lots of new friends, so whilst it was puzzling and a bit upsetting, I tried to be grown-up about it.

So, whilst punctuality (that doesn't look right)has never been her strong point, in the last year she has been very late several times. I mean 1-1.5 hours. and not necessarily to my house, but to a meeting place. Once I was heavily pg. and had 3 yr old in tow, and it was lunch time, and he needed to eat etc etc.. and I got us fed and was about to go when she arrived. Did not apologise, just in passing mentioned her last appt. was running late.

I was angry because she knows what it is like to have small children/knew I was ill (not just pg if that is necessary). I did not have the energy to confront, and she is completely non-confrontational, and never apologises for anything really.

In part this is just an escalation of previous behaviour, but I suppose given that I know we feel similarly about being here, a bit isolated, I'm even more upset.

When I had DS2 she took her 5 min work break from teh ward (which she said she wasn't supposed to) to come and see us, but that was pretty much it. Then visited once I think as a 'visitor', sat on edge of couch and talked to my mother (who she knows well).

I dont' expect her to have baked cookies or come over and changed nappies, but I think it's clear that it wasn't the closeness we'd had previously.

ANYWAY! (sorry, this has been brewing a long time). AFter 6 months of PND, and having moved house 4 times since leaving UK etc etc.. things are still pretty murky for me, but I'm dealing with it.

Suddenly, the phonecalls have increased. Attentiveness, big christmas present etc etc. Then asked if her DD could swim in our pool one afternoon (they're not uncommon here so we're not that unusual). I'd invited them over, and they were an hour late etc etc..

Then asked if they could use it whilst we were away over christmas. Yes, as long as they were happy to clean it too. Yes.

Just got back and big deal made of how much cleaning was done, how her DH fixed this that and the other (actually undid things that my DH had customised to his liking :-)

Then 2 texts and two phonecalls in the last 3 days since our return. Just to "catch up".

I'v just had a revelation.....

AIBU to think she just wants me for my pool?

"AIBU to think she just wants me for my pool?"

it sounds to me as if you both have completely different views of what you expect from your friendship to be honest. You've been homesick and wanted to spend more time with her than she's been able to give by the sounds of it. She thinks you're a good friend she see's once in a while and wondered if you'd mind her borrowing your pool.

And she seemed very eager to tell you how well they'd taken care of it?

Is that so terrible? That you're friend enjoys using your pool when you're away.

Sorry to hear about your PND but, realistically speaking, what did you expect your friend to do about it?

But if that's true, why wasn't she like it last year?

Tell her the pool's out of order. If she never comes over, except to use it, she'll never know.

S=

Gah - completely missed your para about moving house etc - must go to bed! You probably didn't have a pool last year.

She sounds rather unreliable and inconsiderate. At least you don't have to have anything to do with her, if you don't want to, as you have your new circle of friends.

See less (even less) of her and think maybe that the close friendship you had has run its course and you have a more casual friendship now?

Anyway, here's a for summer sun and a pool, while I look out on snow!

Does sound a bit suspicious!

Like OP said, tell her it is out of order and see if you get the same amount of attentiveness.

Famishedass - um, I don't think I was expecting her to do anything about my PND, although if you're good friends then you are at least supportive? You know, I always am wary of sentences that end with "..but..". Do you not think that it's relevant?

Uriel, lol at the scowl. I'd swap right now tbh, the heat is not pleasant if it's 35 (95) with no cooling.

Yes, I was sort of leaving her to it, and it's only now that it's a problem because it's hot and we now have this extra at the house.

im not sure if i think she means any harm

im a pretty shite friend - too busy coping with my own stuff

then i might find something in common with an old friend but normally it doesnt last very long

so im still shite but at least i made an effort

but OP it does seem to be upsetting you so maybe rethink the friendship and see it as a good time been had and it may or may not be good again

YANBU arrange a time and if she is late, just dont answer the door and then dont arrange anything again

YANBU to feel this way at present ...but see how it pans out. She might genuinely be aiming to rekindle your friendship?

No harm in waiting to see unless you are feeling used to an unbearable extent, which would be too much of an unhealthy and unhappy scenario to allow to continue.

OM - ihave to say we've both had our moments at being crap - children, life, immigrating just takes over. But we've always been very pleased to see each other, and when she does call, it's always been the old kinds of conversations, as if we're THAT close iyswim.

lol at not answering the door. I have a 4 yr old DS who does that far too efficiently for me (or would stand behind it saying loudly "but why can't I answer it mummy?")

I've just spoken to my mum about it. She seems surprised I hadn't thought it all throgh before (brain was otherwise engaged I suppose). From her stand point she sees it that when we were so close, friend's life was much more affluent/sunny, and she was very happy with everything, and that maybe she felt she could show me Oz, and be the one who nkows all the stuff (still with me?). Whereas actually I've been pretty self-sufficient and we've ended up with a seemingly better life than hers. Among other things, DH has made sure that he got back in touch with all his friends, and now their wives are great, and I see them alot. She hasn't had this (DHs used to share pretty much the same friends), and so barely knows said friends.

I protested that it's not infact true that it's all perfect, but do admit that superficially it looks great. Fab house, nice DH (hers is pretty crap according to her), but I'd be very sad if that was the reason. Esp. as she knows the private trials we've been through in that same time, and we've seen each other through so much.

Anyway, perhaps I wasn't BU to think something was up as I am not the only one to have noticed, but maybe I shouldn't give it so much thought.

EcoMouse - that's what I thought at first. I guess I'll continue to give it some effort, and hope for the best.

listen to your ma

she has wisdom

and teach/bribe 4 yr old to play a 'no talking game' when the doorbell goes

good luck with it all

Well like you said pools aren't uncommon where you are so why pick yours?!

It sounds like you've both had a lot going on in the last few years. You've moved lots and remember she is also new to the country and it can take many years to find your feet in a new place.

Sounds like hwatever trials she has been dealing with are now behind her and she wants to be friends. Welcome it