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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to judge my colleague based on this?

18 replies

starkadder · 05/01/2010 19:42

So, was talking to a colleague today. He's American, based in the U.S. He and his wife have a 3 mth old baby. We were talking about babies generally and I said that, although my DS is only 21 mths, until recently (when visiting friends with a little baby) I'd really forgotten about how exhausting it is looking after a tiny baby - especially if the first one - all of that worry about when to feed them/wake them/burp them/is it colic? am I holding them too much/not enough? etc etc.

Anyway, HE said "oh, I really don't know, I leave all of that to my wife. I just tell her it's no big deal and she shouldn't worry about it."

I was a bit that he seemed SO uninvolved and also fairly unsupportive. Also feel very sorry for his wife. But usually I really don't judge others too much - kind of think, whatever works for them...and it is true that she doesn't work while he does - so - it could be the fact that I actually find this guy quite arrogant and irritating anyway which is making me so outraged.

But is what he said normal? Does anyone really think it is OK for a father, even if he does work full time, to just say "oh, I leave all the worrying about our new baby to my wife". Isn't this a REALLY outdated attitude??

OP posts:

BooHooo · 05/01/2010 19:45

I doubt weather he really behaves like that tbh - sounds like macho posturing to me. I don't think many guys go into details about the newborn phase like Women do, about sleep, routines, feeding etc. Even if they are really involved.

purpleduck · 05/01/2010 19:47

Maybe he didn't want to get into a baby discussion? Or he was making a (very lame) joke?

But no, I don't think it is typical

BrahmsThirdRacket · 05/01/2010 19:48

I have been surprised by the amount of men who do not seem that arsed about their new bundle of joy. Maybe they are just pretending though (although doubt it with some of them)

Maria2007loveshersleep · 05/01/2010 19:48

Well obviously YANBU and yes of course YANBU that it's an outdated attitude but it doesn't sound like you have much in common with these guys anyway so why care about it? It's very common for many men to be this way; and others of course are not. Not much you can do about it.

Maria2007loveshersleep · 05/01/2010 19:50

By the way recently I also met a man like this while on holiday. He said (and was actually bragging about it, believe it or not) that he's never once changed a nappy because (get this) he 'hates the smell' ...

Original poster

starkadder · 05/01/2010 19:55

thanks guys. I think macho posturing is probably right actually...

Maria - I know! why on earth do I care??! well...I care a bit because they are moving to my city in Europe very very soon and I will have to be friends with them because they won't know anyone else. And they have a baby so it will be hard, especially for her, to get to know people in "normal" way (after work drinks etc etc). So I want to like them but I already don't like him. Gah.

OP posts:

ChloeHandbag · 05/01/2010 19:55

I read that as him saying that he leaves all the worrying to his wife.

My dh is about as hands on as they get and yet I can imagine him saying that because I was like a lot of first time Mums and worried about absolutely everything. He was more pragmatic.

Could you have missinterpreted?

ChippingIn · 05/01/2010 20:01

It could be as ChloeHandbag has said... or he could be a right twat - either way it sounds like she will need a friend! and you get a wee baby to cuddle without the pregnancy - brilliant

Maria2007loveshersleep · 05/01/2010 20:08

Well yes you can be friendly with her (it's not as if you have to become best friends) & try to avoid him if it turns out you really don't like him.

Tee2072 · 05/01/2010 20:17

If you hadn't said they were based in the US, I would say he sounds just like my SILs husband. He's gotten up in the night twice with their 6 month old. Oh not counting the time he got up to oil the nursery door at 3am because it was waking him up.

We were visiting them over the holidays and he just seems very indifferent to the baby. He plays with him and does the fun stuff, but I certainly never saw him change a nappy.

So I would believe a father is that indifferent.

scottishmummy · 05/01/2010 20:19

tbh likely just turn of phrase rather than slack attitude

and you dont need to be friends with anyone you dont want to.maybe you are pre-empting doom on basis of anecdotal remark

yangymac · 05/01/2010 20:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster

starkadder · 05/01/2010 20:45

Yeah, you're probably right, he just didn't want to talk about babies. Also he is probably trying to be the big man because he's worried otherwise I'll try and boss him around when he's here (I won't! Am not his manager but am senior to him). Anyway, def not anything to be worked up about and am now feeling much calmer as sitting on sofa with glass of wine and dinner about to be presented to me by MY delightful husband smug face..

OP posts:

CarmenTinselPalmTreesSanDiego · 05/01/2010 20:53

This doesn't sound massively unusual for American men. There seem to be a lot of them like this and old fashioned gender roles are alive and well in many places here. Annoying though.

TakeLovingChances · 05/01/2010 22:48

My DH and I try to split some housework tasks, but in the main I do most of them.

He enjoys ironing, but I don't really, so generally he does it.

We had a friend call round one evening (he is about 15 years older than us, he's in mid-40s) and almost died of shock when he saw my DH ironing work shirts.

He stood in awe watching DH and remarked how he'd been married for 20 years and had NEVER ONCE ironed a thing for himself!!!!

It amused me quite a bit.

TheFallenMadonna · 05/01/2010 22:55

Unfortunate turn of phrase perhaps? DH left the worrying to me too. Because he wasn't worried about the crying. And he was right not to be worried. DS was a yeller, but he was fine.

DH also has an unfortunate turn of phrase sometimes. He referred to my 7 hour natural labour with 9.10lb DD as a 'doddle', because it didn't involve forceps, spinal anaesthetics and transfusions like DS. It's all relative I suppose...

LoopyLoo2 · 05/01/2010 23:15

Actually I do think YABU and thinking waaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyy too much into what is basically a flippant remark. Why does worrying about a baby make someone the better parent??? Time and time again there are mothers posting on here worrying themselves sick unnecessarily about their (usually) PFB. It really wouldn't help anyone if both parents worried about everyting all the time. It'd turn their offspring into neurotic wrecks so there really needs to be the voice of reason and the non worrier brings things back onto an even keel.

My DP already had one DS when we had our first and is just didn't worry about anything and to be honest it was very reasuring to have. Two parents flapping around like a headless chicken all the time would have been no use or ornament to anyone (and our 1st DS had various medical problems.)

nancydrewrocks · 06/01/2010 05:28

Lots of men are like this IME and it never fails to suprise me.

I have heard many men say they have never changed a nappy or don't get up in the night and I also know lots of families where to all intents and purposes mum is a single mum - off swimming with the kids on the w/e whilst dad plays golf etc.

I feel sorry for the wives but not as sorry as I feel for the fathers - it is sad that they miss out on so much of their DC's lives.

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