to say my MIL can't have DD when she has DN?

[AvrilH]

My DH has a four year old neice, who is really lovely, but hard work, to the extent that ADHD is wondered about. She is mad about my 11 month old DD, but won't leave her alone. Always grabbing at her pulling at her, jabbing toys at her...

My MIL adores DN, shows obvious favouritism and does a huge amount of caring for her. At dinner in our house to celebrate the New Year, DN was told off several times (by me, DH, SIL) for upsetting or endangering my DD. Then she went too far, grabbing her suddenly and roughly, terrifying the baby, who howled. MIL had been holding DD at the time and did not seem to react.

SIL was close by and tried to discipline her daughter, MIL responded by telling off SIL, saying that she had control of the situation, and then affectionately spoke to DN. My DH and I were really annoyed, because it seems that MIL can't be trusted to control DN around DD. Also, if over rules me like that, when I try to correct my DD in the future, I won't take it well!

So, would it be unreasonable to refuse to allow MIL to take my DD when she has DN? I get on well with her and do trust her generally, I just think she has a blindspot when it comes to her other grandchild's behaviour. I will just try and avoid it being an issue for now - but sooner or later it will come up, and probably hurt MIL's feelings.

Of course it is up to you who looks after your child and in what circumstances. But I would just ensure that MIL is never left looking after both children on her own if that is what you are unhappy with. I wouldn't openly discuss it because it will cause all sorts of family problems.

It does sound a little bit to me like you are tempted to limit access to your DD as a punishment for your MIL's apparent favouritism of your DN.

Tbh the favoritism you see is just a natural difference between the relationship you have with a child you have known for 4 yrs and an 11 mth old baby.

My mother admitted to me that it took her a while to get to know my DS2 properly and she still feels she knows DS1 better.

I think you will find it's hard to balance not discouraging an older child interested in the baby and keeping them at a safe distance.

It's a bit extreme to keep them apart all the time, things will change v. quickly as your DD grows up.

Yep, I probably do resent the favouritism, and wish MIL would show the same interest in my DD. That is a natural reaction though, surely? And from posts on here, it is not unusal for MILs to favour their own DD's children.

But I'd never limit my MIL's access. I am genuinely concerned that DN might harm DD if not supervised properly. And I don't trust MIL to do that.

Hopefully the problem will resolve itself, if DN calms down a bit when she starts school. I do love DN but some things she has done, and said alarm me e.g. " wouldn't like it if I poked something in her eye, or if I whacked her really hard etc..."
Maybe PFB of me.

jamaisjedors - that is a fair point. Though I do remember how MIL was when DN was a baby, and there is no comparison. But I suppose being a granny was a novelty then!

No, I understand. I've experienced a similar situation myself and I know it's not easy. I agree with Jamais that once your DD is a bit older and able to hold her own, it will be less of an issue and hopefully your MIL's favouritism will subside.

Just don't turn it into a big issue in the meantime.

I'd suggest you enlist your SIL in this. She sounds sensible! Perhaps you and she can work out how to improve the interaction between her DD and yours over time, and in the meantime you and she can ensure things are kept safe for your DD? By not booking both children in with MIL at the same time, ensruing there is always another adult, that sort of thing?

I would tread carefully with SIL. Telling her daughter off when she is a bit rough is one thing, but it doesn't mean she will be receptive to the idea that her daughter is causing problems.

My dc are the only grandchildren in either family. My mother used to drive me nuts, how she over-did loving ds1, and ignored dd. She was trying to make sure that ds1 didn't feel pushed out by attention showered on adorable baby sister. I think she over-compensated, sometimes to the extent of situations similar to that which you describe.

IME, it may not be an over-reaction to - subtley - ensure that MIL doesn't look after both children at the same time. If she already adores the older child, then it would be good to let her have the opportunity to fall in love with the younger by spending time with her alone, not sharing attention with the older.

Babies that age normally absolutely adore being round older children , even if they are a bit rough at times.Although it's hard for you to see your DD being pulled and grabbed at ,your DD isn't made of china .I am guessing she is your first born ,but most babies endure this and worse from their older sibs .

Of course she's your PFB, which is the only reason you are worried about this (we really do need the proper eye rolling emoticon).

It does sound like your MIL wouldn't be 'aware' enough to 'protect' your DD from you DN and it sounds like 'protection' is what is needed. This sounds beyond the 'normal' behaviour of an older sibling tbh.

I would just engineer not to have them both left with her at the same time. However, if it became necessary, for one reason or another, to say something I would - being as tactful as possible of course. At the end of the day, your DD is only a baby and if your MIL is so biased she thinks DN can do no wrong, then she might not be 'aware' enough with them both there to keep her safe.

You wonder how the 'not-aware-enough' 'unprotective' MIL ever managed to raise her own children to adulthood don't you ?(rolls eyes right back)

Yes, sometimes you do have to wonder...

Good luck rather than good managment I'd say.

Fast forward a few years, your 4yr old dd behaves similarly towards your almost a year old dc2. Would you leave the pair of them together with anyone else ? Is DN an only child too ?

I thought the more worrying thing was that MIL told off SIL for "interfering", thereby undermining a mother (nonononononono!), while spoiling the child. Sounds bad news to me, anyway! With the favouritism, it sounds as though you are right to keep your PFB away from granny when she has DN as well.