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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To withold sex untill I get some attention in this house?

25 replies

tasjaSAmuminSA · 05/01/2010 13:12

I'm so tired - got a 6 week old and a 3 1/2 year old. I get up every night! DH got up in the beginning to help feeding, but lets face it, if I give bottle and do the nappy changing and he just sit-ly in the bed with half open eyes doesn't count as being awake and doing a feed!

He is busy building an empire as my mom states. Yes, he is working on OUR future. He just work all the time. He gets up at 5:50 and goes to work. Then comes home at five and works on the new business plan. (If everything works out we can retire in a few years) I do all the cleaning of the house, I do the cooking, after he comes home, but he doesn't help. I pack the dish washer and unpack it. I get my 3 year old up and take her to school and fetch her. And when my maternity leave is over mid Feb I have to get up at 5:45 - get both kids ready for school, feed them, go to work myself till 2. Get home, do all the chores, cook, bath both kids, do preperation (I'm a teacher). And still, then DH wouldn't do anything to help!

If I want to go shopping -my heaven- then I have to take both kids with me because he has to work and he can't concentrate on his work!

I don't get time to myself, let alone alone time with just me and hubby! Can't remember last time we had a conversation together. I'm at the point to say NO sex until you take me out and treat me and have a conversation with me. This is the only time I get attention - is when he wants sex.

OP posts:

VinegarTits · 05/01/2010 13:14

Have you told him this?

VinegarTits · 05/01/2010 13:16

YANBU btw, but i think you need to talk to him and tell him how you feel, he needs to learn to spend time alone with the dc without you there

What does he think being a parent involves?

JodieO · 05/01/2010 13:16

Seems to me like he's trying to do what he can for the both of you. I assume that if you can retire in a few years then there will be plenty of time for anything!

CirrhosisByTheSea · 05/01/2010 13:18

I think the truly important empire, he has already built; you, and two children who will thrive best and achieve to their ultimate potential, with full involvement from both parents.

All the rest is just material gain...the money won't come and visit you when you're old and housebound, the money won't produce grandchildren for you to love.

I think working and material comfort have their place, yes; but are you and Dh heading to the same place in life?

tinierclanger · 05/01/2010 13:19

You need to talk to him about it.
Can you afford some help? Cleaner, send ironing out?

He must let you have some time to yourself once a week. That should be non-negotiable, even if it's only an hour.

Original poster

tasjaSAmuminSA · 05/01/2010 13:20

Haven't told him this, but moaned alot about the fact that he is busy all the time and that we don't do anything together.

OP posts:

MadameCastafiore · 05/01/2010 13:22

Get a cleaner and someone in to help with the kids a few times a week - it is pointless waiting for this nirvana of retirement at a young age if you hate each other by the time it comes!

LeQueen · 05/01/2010 13:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

tinierclanger · 05/01/2010 13:23

You need to talk to him more specifically. General moaning doesn't work with most men.

Original poster

tasjaSAmuminSA · 05/01/2010 13:24

At this stage we can't afford some help. That's why I do everything. Usually when I ask if he could watch the kids is the only time he has to work on the business. And we end up fighting (not that we fight) - he will be cross - I'm not saying a word and then he will make me a cup of tea or something - but it doesn't help

OP posts:

Original poster

tasjaSAmuminSA · 05/01/2010 13:26

MadameC - that is what I'm thinking about alot these days - what if we grow apart now and in 2 years time we don't have anything to say to one another and then what? All for nothing then...

OP posts:

30andLurking · 05/01/2010 13:29

You've got a 6 week old, he's working that hard, and sex is even on the agenda?

Original poster

tasjaSAmuminSA · 05/01/2010 13:30

Yup

OP posts:

MummyTumble · 05/01/2010 13:31

Not sure on this one....if he was staying in bed or lounging round the house doing nothing then YANBU but you say he is working all the time for your familys future. Not sure what else he can do....if he doesn't do all of this work where will that leave you all????

My DH did the same for a few years and it was bloody tough..we were both tired and busy for different reasons (me with kids, him with work) A few years down the line and it has been worth it.....

sparechange · 05/01/2010 13:31

YABU and quite spoilt
He isn't sitting on his arse doing nothing. He is working so that you and your DCs can have a better quality of life in the future.
Presumably the trade off would be for him to stop working as hard as he does, and then you not get the financial rewards in the future.

Withholding sex is only going to lead to a confrontation. You'd be much better off sitting down and talking about how you feel and how it would improve your life if he could do a few little things to help.

But given that he seems to be working all hours god sends, I can't help but wonder how much sympathy he is going to have towards your winge that you don't want to be doing the same amount of work as him...

pagwatch · 05/01/2010 13:34

You do need to speak to him and remind him that he is planning for your future ( which is great) but that it means nothing if the price you have to pay is your present.

My DH wentthrough a stage like this but I just made him talk about it. I know it sounds crappy but I asked him what would he think if he or I became ill - or god forbid, one of thechildren.
If he sacrifices our happiness now so that one day things will be great , there is no guarentee and it could all be for nothing.

I should say that DH admitted that he was throwing himself into work to escape life at home ( our DS2 was having huge problems and not sleeping at all etc. He was subsequently diagnosed with SN/ASD). He felt unable to do anything useful at home so he threw himself at work assuming that money would help.
Eventually he realised there had to be a balance.

Don't with hold sex. If you cross out an area of intimacy and comfort then you will make the gap and the comunication between worse.

Book a babysitter, go out to dinner, tell him you love him and miss him and that you need to be partners or the whole thing means nothing. You should be each others support but he just wants you to support him at the moment.

VinegarTits · 05/01/2010 13:37

sounds like he is using work as an excuse to not look after the dc by himself, maybe he doesnt think he can cope with them alone, and lacks confidence in his parenting abilities

Or maybe he just doesnt think it is his 'job' to look after them, whichever it is, you need to get to the bottom of it, talk to him

tinierclanger · 05/01/2010 13:40

Wow, calling someone with 2DC, one of them a 6 week old baby, who does all the domestic stuff 'spoilt', is really taking the .

They are both working hard. The point is, they need to talk. Personally, it seems to me like the wrong time to work on a new business plan. Can't it wait a bit?

Original poster

tasjaSAmuminSA · 05/01/2010 13:40

I will def sit him down tonight and tell him we need to spend more time together. I wanted to pack my bags and go home with my parents last week when they were visiting. Cant go on like this. I KNOW he is doing this for all of us, especially for me, so I can stay home with kids. And I KNOW I'm being selfish in a way - but I also need a hug sometimes and a "I love you". At this moment it is just work work work, and me cleaning up the whole time.

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MakeYerOwnDamnDinner · 05/01/2010 13:40

I don't care how hard he is working.

You are working bloody hard too, running the house and looking after a new baby, or doesn't that count? Amazing how many men (and women) think it doesn't.

He has to help around the house and with the kids - there is no excuse not to, you are not his domestic servant.

I worry about this attitude towards sex that some women have though - like it's a currency that can be used to get something you want.

Don't have sex if you don't want to - ever.

But don't use it as a bargaining chip either. I think that's really selling yourself short.

Original poster

tasjaSAmuminSA · 05/01/2010 13:44

tinierclanger - yes it is the wrong time but unfortunately it must be done now- there is investers, he must get a PTY registered - it takes 2 months and it must be done befor april because then the law changes on something (can't remember what) to tired to remember what it is.

OP posts:

tinierclanger · 05/01/2010 13:48

Ok, then you just have to try to find the time to talk. But don't do withholding sex, it's passive-agressive and it will just make things worse. But tell him why you don't want to have sex instead!

Perhaps write down some of the things you've said here so you don't get lost in being tired and upset.

Original poster

tasjaSAmuminSA · 05/01/2010 13:50

Thank you tinier - must go - DD did a nr 2 in her bathing costume, couldn't get the zip open at the back in time - have to go and bath her - chat again later

OP posts:

MummyTumble · 05/01/2010 13:54

So really it's not about what he does in the house...you're feeling neglected and in need of some attention and affection....so tell him

It's not surprising you're feeling like this 6 weeks after DC2 and with everything else going on...

Tryharder · 05/01/2010 13:56

YABU to consider using sex as a bargaining tool but TBH, I would not view sex with my husband 6 weeks after giving birth as top on my list of priorities in any case.

It depends. If he was sitting on his arse whilst you ran around.... but he's not. I think you both need to readjust your goals with regard to the early retirement and take some pressure off yourselves.

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