to drag my children into a cloakroom to hide from a woman I have recently detoxed from my life?

[LetThemEatCake]

maybe I should post in relationships ... but is it bad to decide that a (relatively recent) acquaintance/ friend is too much hard work ...based on nothing more concrete than a few hard-to-put-my-finger-on incidents and an inescapable feeling of dread/ heaviness every time this woman phoned/ met up?

I just don't have the energy (3 dcs, aged 3 and under for starters) and more to the point, I feel that she drains my energy.

So I've recently stopped returning texts/ calls

saw detoxed friend from a distance today and hid, complete with the 3dcs (who loved it, thought it was right good fun) - again, childish, but just couldn't face it.

Am I horrible? Has anyone else ever done this? and how could I have dealt with it better?

You could be honest with her?

It is very hurtful to just be frozen out of someone's life without having a clue why.

yuk

emotional vampires

hide as much as you like, I would

I'd have hidden too.

Heqet would you rather someone told you they didn't like you any more - afraid I'd rather just do the guesswork.

Yes. I'd rather know where I was going wrong socially so that I would have the chance to fix it - if not with them, then with people I might become friends with in the future.

If I was doing something that was putting people off, I would want the chance to understand and to change. It would be hard to hear, and hurtful in the short term, but the long term benefit would make it worth it.

as long as you didn't tell the dcs why you were hiding

Golly heqet you're a lot more grown up than I am.

I would probably burst into tears if someone told me they didn't want to meet up.

LTEC - sometimes friendships just don't develop for whatever reasons - its mostly chemistry isn't it.

I remember having to hide from the milkman when I was a child

Yes, I would probably cry too, at first. It would hurt. But it's far better to have that hurt and to know than to have someone avoid you and you spend months - or in my case the rest of my bloody life! (I'm obsessive, can't let things go until I've won they are properly concluded ) - wondering why, what you did, coming up with all sorts of ideas, second guessing yourself, feeling totally unlikeable.

truly, nothing they said could be worse than the things that you'd be thinking, and you'd not have anything to work on that would help you in the future.

Well...

I think if you have that "feeling" you're probably right - I can think of at least two (probably more) incidences where I have got involved with people against my instinct because there was nothing BUT my instinct indicating it was not a good idea. But then later on, proved to be right. I can think of another incident where I initially didn't like someone and she is now one of my closest friends - looking back though it wasn't instinctual, more because she was a bit stand offish - it would appear that I am not the first or last person who has had this initial first impression of her. So, I would say, particularly in view of your personal situation (3 under 3) you are right to let go.

In terms of fronting someone rather than just avoiding them until they get the message - well that's a toughie. most people have been "dropped" at some time, it's not nice, but then neither is a full on dressing down including a list of your faults... sometimes, personalities just don't gel - it's a rare person who has NO friends at all.

I think having 3 under 3 is a good "get out clause" - you can quite reasonably avoid a newish acquaintance and use this as an excuse if challenged - the problem arises if they move in the same circles as you.

I think I'd've done the same TBH.

YANBU, this time. In the future just be breezy and non-committal with her. Always have something urgent to do so you don't have time to talk to her.

You don't have to be honest unless she asks you straight-out why you're avoiding her. Even then, make the reason about you (too busy!) and not her and you shouldn't have to deal with too much drama.

Emotional vampires ... flippin brilliant

Emotional vampires are a huge drain on you and there comes a time when relationships need to be severed, but it is extremely hurtful to be suddenly frozen out and to not know why.

LTEC I have a 'friend' like this who lives on the other side of the world and I won't answer the phone after 830 at night for fear it s her ringing. She comes back to the Uk about once a year and I dread it.

She drains me too, is really not the sort of person want to be friends with anymore. We are too different, but short of a character assasination I'm not really sure what to say to her.

So like you, I have been ignoring emails and texts...and it makes me feel crap, but being friends with her is crapper.

thanks for your responses ... it's a funny thing, I don't often have a reaction like this to people but I found over the past few months that I dreaded hearing from this woman; she always seemed so overwhelmed, everything was always a problem - even her tone of voice was always weary, never upbeat - and she'd talk to me in a sympathetic tone, as if she expected me to be about to break down on her shoulder (not my style at all, even on the worst days!!) .... she made me feel really trapped, especially as she would moan and gripe endlessly to me about other friends of hers, when they cancelled plans or ran late or whatever ... my attitude tends to be, we all have kids, things happen, you have to be super-flexible with arrangements but I didn't feel that I could do that with her without incurring her wrath .. she do things like phoning to say that she was in the neighbourhood and that her dd was desperate to see mine .. I'd say, well, we're home, stop by ... she;d come and stay until bathtime ... not to be churlish but when I was heavily pg and now, with a new baby, I need a bit of space and time to myself!! (and tbh, our dds didn't seem at all bothered about each other, they'd barely interact) She came to a party at ours and then banged on about how gorgeous and glam all of my friends are and how inadequate she felt, leaving me feeling that I had to do the whole "no, really, you're just as fab!!" thing ... one day at the end of my pg (about 38 w from memory) I cancelled an arrangement to have lunch as my dh was going to be home in the afernoon and I wanted to seize the opp to have a sleep while he looked after the dcs ... she was all understanding but then phoned me 3 times that afternoon to ask me what I suggested she do with her dcs?? where could they go? what could they do?? the place I'd suggested wasn't open, where else could they go??

all of these things sound so petty! which is what I meant when I said it's more a feeling, things I can't put my finger on ... to make it worse, now that she's met my friends, she ran into one of them the other day and gave them a grilling (apparently) about how often they see me...

Lordy, if anybody needed culling, she does. Sounds like she is sucking the life and merriment out of you. Yes its harsh but life is too short. Some people are in your life for a reason, some for a season, some forever. Sounds like her season is over.

No, they don't sound like petty reasons at all. I don't think you're horrible.

If it were me, I'd be hiding, too. I'm impressed you got three under three into the cloakroom in enough time to avoid detection!

i been there before. i had one mum suddenly became too friendly and invaded my private life. i talked to her but she wont understand.