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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to think that it really shouldn't be this difficult to have get my parents to visit my brother and SIL

18 replies

essenceofSES · 03/01/2010 21:03

My older brother and SIL moved up to Cumbria from Surrey about 4yrs ago. This is approx 330 miles from the town where my parents (in their mid-60s) live. I live in the next town to my parents.
Their move was not sudden as they'd had a property up there that they'd rented out for about 10yrs and always talked about moving up there.

Since they moved up there, my parents have been to visit them 3 times. My dad doesn't drive and my mum can't drive further than about 40 miles so they travel by train. The last time they visited was about 18 months ago and they planned out their route and as they went to book tickets, discovered there was some engineering works and so they'd need to travel via central London. They phoned my brother at this point to say they couldn't come. My brother was v disappointed and after quite a heated conversation, he did some research and found them a different route that didn't go via London but did mean they'd have to get a bus at the other end for the last hour of the journey. My parents said that still wasn't doable for them. In the end, my brother arranged his work so that he could go and pick them up instead of them getting the bus.
Last year, I was talking to my brother and he said that in future, if they wanted to come and visit, they'd have to sort out their own transport. However he invited us all for new year 2010. DH and I wanted to go with DS and our 2 dogs. In order to my parents as well, we decided we'd have to take 2 cars. (Partly because we needed to take loads of stuff for DS who is 7mo as DB & SIL don't have a lot of baby equipment).
We agreed to do this in October. My mum said to me (thankfully not to my brother!) "Well, maybe this will be the time that we go"!!

From October until we went last week, my mum refused to commit to going as it wouldn't be safe to travel if it was snowy and icy. We live about 5 mins from the motorway ans I tried to reassure that it would be highly unlikely that we wouldn't go. Obviously, we were then hit with a load of snow and ice! Fortunately 90% had melted round here before we went and I tried to reassure her about the weather up in Cumbria.

Then Dad noticed a leak on one of the walls in their house and said that would mean they couldn't go. It ended up being a leaking radiator valve so that got fixed.

Finally, SIL broke her wrist by falling on ice last Monday. We were leaving Wed morning. I decided not to tell my parents about SIL's wrist until we were on our way as I didn't want to give them another reason not to go!

We went, it snowed, there was thick ice and we got back today. All safe and sound!

Seriously though, AIBU to think that it shouldn't be that difficult to get them there?!

OP posts:
GhoulsAreLoud · 03/01/2010 21:05

Have your DB and SIL got kids? My Mum was a bit like this til we had DD - it was always too much trouble for her to travel to us.

She's here every month now that she has a granddaughter here

Heqet · 03/01/2010 21:08

Yes, if they don't want to go! clearly they don't want to go.

Don't underestimate how being older can be! My grandparents, when we lived a fair whack away, never visited because the journey was just too much for them.

You have to accept that, for whatever reason, they don't want to go.

essenceofSES · 03/01/2010 21:11

Ghouls - unfortunately DB & SIL have had problems ttc and are unable to have children.

Heqet - I guess I may just have to do that and accept it but I feel bad for DB.

OP posts:
GhoulsAreLoud · 03/01/2010 21:12

Oh I'm sorry to hear that

diddl · 03/01/2010 21:13

I don´t blame them for wanting the journey to be as easy as possible.

We have been abroad 15yrs.
ILs have never visited.
They have missed the children growing up.
They just can´t be bothered!

Heqet · 03/01/2010 21:14

I know, it's sad. But really - a heated conversation, and basically forcing them to attend? It's meaningless. Surely your brother and sil just looked at them and thought "you don't even want to be here"

Maybe they hate travelling, maybe they feel vulnerable travelling far, perhaps they really prefer to have people over to them, could be anything.

Have you straight out asked them what's the matter?

compo · 03/01/2010 21:14

I have to say a train journey through London all that way would give me the heeby jeebys unless dh was with me
dh always insists I book but I panic that I might miss the train I'm booked on cos of the underground and then to have to pay full fare on another train
some people hate going away
I always feel like shit because I never sleep well anywhere but at home
I think I'll be the same as your parents when I am in my sixties tbh

SixtyFootDoll · 03/01/2010 21:14

Unfortunately older people get stuck in their ways.
My FIL doesnt like driving the 120 miles to us, even refusing to come down every Xmas.
AS a result my in laws see my Ds's about 3 times a year - when we go up there.

Katisha · 03/01/2010 21:15

Mid-60s is not old! It's a shame if they have decided to cave in to old age THAT quickly!
My mum was scared about travelling through London but then she discovered the joys of black cabs and blithely changes stations now without having to worry about the tube. I suppose they could complain about the expense but it's only once in a blue moon.

Heqet · 03/01/2010 21:16

Mid-60's can be that old!

There are people in their 60's who are climbing mountains.

There are people in their 60's living in nursing homes.

Katisha · 03/01/2010 21:20

Presumably you would need other issues to have to live in a nursing home in your mid-60s though. I assume the OPs parents are otherwise healthy?

CMOTdibbler · 03/01/2010 21:21

My mum is mid 60's, and certainly couldn't manage that sort of journey - she can drive very locally (although I'd prefer that she didn't) and manage a simple bus journey with no change.

My dad is early 70's, and won't go anywhere, even if we collect them.

Some people just aren't comfortable travelling, and find it very stressful - which it sounds like your mum does. Cut them some slack

alicet · 03/01/2010 21:24

My mil is a bit like this. To be fiar she does come up to us every couple of months but it has to be 110% on her terms and she will only get one specific train that arrives Sat lunch and one back on Mon late am. Never even considers changing train even though that would involve getting off train and back onto another on the same platform. Perfectly fit and well but acts about 10 years older.

Frustrates both dh and I precisely because she is losing out on lots of things because she gets it into her head that she can't cope when she clearly CAN.

However we have realised that this is her loss not ours and if she wishes to climb into her coffin when she is still fit and miss out on loads then that is her call. We try to accommodate her as much as poss as dcs love her and she is his mum but we are always frustrated by the end of her visit by the limitations she places on herself.

So YANBU to be irritated by this but tbh I would try to stay out of it and leave it between your brother and parents. otherwise you will end up caught in the middle.

MonicaMoniker · 03/01/2010 21:25

I'm looking at this from the other side as my DD & her family are about the same distance from me as your DB is from your parents. I drive to see her a few times a year and I can tell you it isn't a pleasant journey. I'm not as old as your parents but find it extremely stressful and tiring and can only stay for a few days at a time because of the cost of fuel and hotel/B&B and work commitments.

I appreciate it's difficult for my DD to travel here with her children but I'm going to have to cut down on the number of visits this year as I just find it's a bit much. In my heart I'd travel to the end of the earth to be with her & her family but don't find it easy.

Do your DB & SIL visit your parents?

Heqet · 03/01/2010 21:26

Not necessarily. I have worked in the field of elderly care and there are some just plain old and frail people in their 60s, in nursing homes, in residential homes, living in their own home - but just old! set in their ways, tired. It's so individual.

Paolosgirl · 03/01/2010 21:28

My parents are like this too - although strangely only in the UK. They seem to manage to travel across continents with no problem, but asking them to travel to visit us (120 miles) or my sister (400 miles) and you'd think we'd asked them to build a rocket and find their way to the moon . We don't even think of asking them to do something on the spur of the moment - everything seems to involve planning to the minute detail for weeks in advance, with all sorts of permutations, and 'what ifs'.

As someone said earlier, they do tend to get set in their ways as they get older - I don't think there is anything you can do really, except resolve NOT be like that when you're older!

essenceofSES · 03/01/2010 21:32

I knew I could rely on you lot to help me see reality

I am frustrated and already caught in the middle a bit. I think I've done my bit now though and will try and stay out of it.

To be fair, my parents aren't 100% healthwise (nothing v serious though) but I felt perfectly capable of being driven door to door both ways by me.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 03/01/2010 21:34

well, my parents live 3 miles away

they don't visit...

my mum can drive, but doesn't if it involves a motorway or any right turns out of a T-junction

dad can't be arsed to bring her

ho-hum

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