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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel irritated that my father phones without fail...

25 replies

iloverhubarbcrumble · 03/01/2010 18:59

on Christmas Day, New Years Day and my birthday, but at no other time, ever. Oh, unless someone has died.

Then the starter is 'so how's the weather with you?'

Duty, not interest. It really does make me cross, and abit sad. What's the point?

OP posts:
Coldhands · 03/01/2010 19:23

Does he not live near you then? If he doesn't see you then it does seem a bit , but if he lives nearby and sees you I would say that men are not great talkers on the phone. I sometimes make an excuse to phone my dad just to speak to him.

Missus84 · 03/01/2010 19:27

How often do you phone him? My dad just isn't a phone person either, when I phone him he wraps up the conversation as quickly as possible!

Do you have much of a relationship otherwise?

FluffyForLifeNotJustForXmas · 03/01/2010 19:30

My father doesn't phone me any more, he died last year. Make the most of every call, why don't you call him? Even if it's chit chat, he's showing that he's thinking of you. YABU.

alypaly · 03/01/2010 19:44

my ex phones the boys and me everyday...i think its great

MadameDefarge · 03/01/2010 19:46

fluffy, the dead parent thank your lucky stars angle isn't much help.

OP is a bit hurt, and has reason to be. an inept and uninterested parent can often be worse than none at all. Because they are there, but not there. Not participating in a relationship at all.

wonderingwondering · 03/01/2010 19:47

My dad never calls, and when I call and he picks up the phone, he says "oh, hello, here's mum". Is just his way. Think it is a generational thing.

chocolaterabbit · 03/01/2010 19:49

PILs never phone DH but get very cross about him not phoninh them more than once a month when I bully gently remind him. That IMHO is more annoying.

FluffyForLifeNotJustForXmas · 03/01/2010 19:52

Some people are no phone people, they don't like talking on a phone. I'm not intending to offend, I appologise if I did. Ds's father only calls him at christmas, I find this pathetic. The OP has not given enough background to say if it's a one sided relationship or whether her father doesn't feel comfortable being on the phone IYSWIM.

UniS · 03/01/2010 19:52

there is something to be said in favour of duty. At least he IS calling you on those occasions, even tho he's not a man who chooses to call randomly.

Quite a lot of men are BAD at phone conversation, I have some as friends and some as colleges and one as a DH. DH only calls his sister on those key dates, his parents once a fortnight if they haven't called him, won't even phone for a takeaway and yet is an articulate bloke who can speak well on his subject to a large group of his peers or students.

Hassled · 03/01/2010 19:52

I'm with Fluffy - my father used to phone only very occasionally, but always managed to pick a really inconvenient time. I miss those calls now.

TLESinChristmasStockings · 03/01/2010 19:53

My dad phones me at least 5 times a day, to see if i am ok, how ds1 is, what we had for dinner etc and I get annoyed.....
well I did but roll forward to today, my dad has not been able to call me for 6 years because he died, and I am left wishing I could just hear his voice one more time.....
If I could have him call at any given time yes I would.
Make the most of it while you can

Original poster
iloverhubarbcrumble · 03/01/2010 20:15

I'm sure it is a generational and also male thing - my dad is 74, and most real communication goes through my mum. I think I'm with UniS actually. And Fluffy I'm not at all offended. But also, MadameD - yes, that's it. Not participating.

What is my sub text here - not sure really! I think my dad is very much old school, can talk for England on a subject of his choice, given a listener (or not), and sometimes I find him really interesting. But he doesn't do questions, or interest in others. Doesn't make for a good parent in that respect.

It's this idea of doing something out of duty only that is getting me irritated; there is no sense of me there at all. And I'm trying to cook for gods sake!! Any other time would be better!

My parents live 250 miles away. I do phone him, occasionally and spontaneously. More often my mum. I am fond of him. No great hang ups (I don't think!)

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 03/01/2010 20:19

Mine does that.

I'm delighted every time I hear him!

I ring him all the time.

He is 74 now, his health is not so good anymore. I want to cherish every moment we have together in this life.

He is not a big talker, so it doesn't offend me at all.

He's a do-er.

He shows us all the time how much he loves us in so many other ways.

Don't waste time being irritated for such a small thing, you don't know how much time you have left with him.

Enjoy him as much as you can.

cheesesarnie · 03/01/2010 20:19

if you think it could be generational thing,why not try to write to him instead?ask about his interests whether they bore you or not.

Mishy1234 · 03/01/2010 20:20

OP- I understand your hurt completely, but as others have said your Dad may not be a phone type of person.

I completely understand where you're coming from. My Dad NEVER calls me. I only found out my Grandmother (his Mum) had passed away when I called him and the funeral had been weeks before. My Grandfather never forgave me, even when I tried to explain what had happened.

All you can do is call him and just accept him the way he is.

2shoes · 03/01/2010 20:21

fluffy is right
my dad used to drive me up the wall with his calls in the end, but I would love them now.
just ring him whan you want.

AnyFucker · 03/01/2010 20:21

accept him as he is (unless there is more to this you haven't revealed)

I am a duty caller

it's not big, it's not clever but it means something of course it does

TLESinChristmasStockings · 03/01/2010 20:22

Expat, its the old thing though isn't it for me "you don't realise what you have got until its gone"
Thankfully I had 3 months with him phoning and me phoning him HAPPILY before he died.

scottishmummy · 03/01/2010 20:26

point is that is his comfort zone.accept him as he is.weather openings and all

nickytwotimes · 03/01/2010 20:28

Yanbu to be a bit irritated, but as others have said, it is often a generational thing.

Before he died 4 yrs ago, I rarely spoke to Dad on the phone - it was always Mum. Just something that wouldn't cross his mind to do often. However, when we were together he was always doing 'Dad stuff' for me and was warm and affectionate, so I didn't mind. If you are sad because you feel you have missed out on other things with him, then that is really an issue in itself and might be worth trying to do something about if it is possible - maybe spend some time together in some way? I regret not telling me old Dad that I loved him (we weren't really that type of family - very British!). It wasn't till he was on hid death bed and unconcious that I did it.

My half brother has a lot of regrets about not getting to spend enough time with our Dad too. Try to change it if you can?

FluffyForLifeNotJustForXmas · 03/01/2010 20:31

The last time I saw my dad was a month before he died, I don't live near home so I went to visit for easter, I cleaned out his air conditioning, took him some food and had to go before I wanted to as my mum was cooking (they were divorced) and I needed to catch the train to go home. He had alot to say about things, mostly him complaining about my brothers and all I was thinking was 'I have to go now'. I wish I'd had said more as I was expecting to see him again. He wasn't a fan of the phone, I'd call him, he'd call me a few months later, normally "what are you doing?", this was him and I accepted him for this. He didn't have alot to say in person either, I didn't really know him, the only time I heard him talk properly about things he'd done was when the neighbour came round to visit. I rarely saw him laugh or smile.

ThumbleBells · 03/01/2010 20:33

My Dad loves to talk when I phone him, but nary a chance of him picking up the phone to call me, even on Important Dates like Christmas, birthdays etc. Mum used to phone and he would talk to me then, but it never seems to cross his mind to call me unless he needs something. Certainly not for a chat - although if I phone him he can talk away for half an hour easy!

Not sure if it's just him not thinking about it or being tight so that he never has to pay for the calls.

It is irritating, but it's your choice to be irritated or just get on with it and phone him the other times (and be a little grateful he picks the phone up to you at all!)

expatinscotland · 03/01/2010 20:39

It's really hitting home for me, TLES. My dad was last here in November, and he was ill the whole time.

Now he's still recovering.

His health just isn't what it was: he has heart disease and hypertension, he's nearly 75.

He may live to be 92 like his mum or he may die tomorrow.

He can't make this trip anymore.

But he's not a big talker. On top of that he has a lot of Native American blood in him and they're not the most demonstrative of people emotionally.

But he is who he is and I'm happy he's here to pick up the phone at all.

TLESinChristmasStockings · 03/01/2010 20:43

Expat, I am so happy you still have him, even if he is not as healthy as he was.

My dad was only a young man when he died 55yrs old. It was a killer for me and has done the worst things ever to the way i am iyswim? He has gone and I feel like my entire person went with him.

I wish your dad all the strength to make it to 92 xx

floatyjosmum · 03/01/2010 21:48

my response would be .... at least he rings!

ive not heard from my father since sept 08! and well dont get me started on my mother

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