probably, but need to rant about future SiL

[moulesfrites]

Bil has been with his gf a few years now and she has always been very "shy". I have made a lot of effort to get to know her, involve her etc, to the point where we do now get on, but conversation is still an effort and sometimes I wonder why I bother trying to be sociable with her. However, have been recently wondering if she is not shy but more just deliberately antisocial manipulative, and she has turned previously fun loving Bil into a misery.

She and Bil are now engaged and her behavior seems weirder since then - you would think she would be on top of the world but she is miserable. She graduated this summer but has yet to even apply for a job. She is currently living in a flat owned by wealthy PILs who pay their bills, and will be funding their upcoming wedding. At new years eve party hosted by the Pils everyone else was dressed up but SiL said she wasn't feeling well and came down in jeans and slouchy grey hoody - it didn't look as if she had even brushed her hair and proceeded to eat very little and roll her eyes at midnight when everyone was singing Auld Lang Syne. I know she was not well, but I don't think it was an excuse for being rude. She seems to always want to bitch about other Bil and his fiance who is pg - when the fiance showed us her 20 week scan pic, she tossed it onto the coffee table and didn't say anything!

The thing is, PiLs seem to love her and are always making excuses for her behaviour - It makes me angry as she seems to want to love off them and I fel she is taking advantage, but don't think that saying anything will solve anything.

Just stay out of her way then. You don't have to like everyone you're related to - just being polite is all that's required.

She sounds like a pita but I echo Ghouls- you don't have to like her. Just be polite and tolerate.

In what way has your BIL become a misery? Do you think it's really down to her? If this was the case wouldn't his parents have spotted it?

He was always the life and soul of the party but now he is withdrawn, quiet, negative.

How weird. She sounds awful.

She does sound rude and is lacking in social skills.

Do you think she might be a little depressed at all?

She is definitely lacking in social skills. I have not thought about depression - she certainly seems to have "let herself go" recently and doesn't seem to take a pride in her appearance which I suppose could be a sign of depression. I also wonder how good not having anything to do can be for her mental state.

My brother married a girl like this.

She's not even smiling in any of their wedding pics.

She bursts into tears for no reason at all & deliberately distances herself from the rest of us. Even at a recent family wedding, we were all together at a large oval table, including my brother, but she got herself a chair at the bar...on her own!! And we have never made her feel unwelcome - we have a large family & it's always always been a case of 'the more the merrier' at anything we do.

I remember one night at the pub she burst into tears & went to the loo... my bro asked me to go & check that she was OK, so I lightly tapped the door & said "Are you OK, do you need anything?" She screamed will you go away, it's none of your business" so I left it.

The only thing I can think of is that her dad left when she was young & she always seems to be in a state of perpetual sadness at his going - even though he's tried to contact her & she has ignored the contact.

My parents adore her & make excuses for her too

Perhaps your PIL don't want to alienate their son, therefore make more of an effort with her.

Maybe she is not as outgoing as your family, is a little scared and come across as miserable and shy. Or maybe she's just stroppy!

She sounds depressed to me.

Hard for her and your DB if that's the case.

You don't have to like her though. Not sure if there's anything you can do to help (if you want to), but if she is depressed, DB may need a friendly non- judgmental ear.

TBH, it does not bode well for marriage if one partner is already depressed (article in yesterday's Guardian by Oliver James)

What Ghouls said - she sounds bloody hard work, but that doesn't have to be your problem. Just steer well clear when you can and try to ignore the bad behaviour when you can't.

how well do you know the details of their relationship - could they be trying for a baby/had mc or something - that would explain the tossing the photo/lack of interest in others pg

otherwise I agree, she sounds depressed.

i was depressed shortly after getting married - should have been ecstatic - turned out the pill I was on did not agree with me.

She does sound depressed. She also sounds mollycoddled. It's nice to be looked after, but if a depressed person is never given the chance tot ake responsibility for themselves, that's one less reason for them to make the effort to recover.

I think depression is infectious. It is very difficult to live with a depressed person, and not get a bit down about it yourself. And it need not be clinical depression , it could be, as another poster has said, the result of fertility problems, or a chronic illness like ME - things that people can have difficulty talking openly about.

As for the scan pics, people who have not seen scan pics of their own, and understood what they are seeing, and felt the emotion of it, often don't understand scan pics. If she's feeling very down already, then the effort of commenting about something she just doesn't get, might just be too much for her.

How do you get on with your BIL. Would you chat wiht him? What does your dh (?) think about it?

Good point PeedOff

I would be surpised if they were TTC as they are both still fairly young, planning a summer wedding and neither of them have jobs since graduating.

I could speak to BiL about it, I think he is sort of aware of the problem but a little bit sensitive and defensive about her, which is understandable. The other thing is she monopolizes him so much that it would be impossible to get him on his own. He doesn't work either and they literally are with each other all the time. The only opportunity he had to buy her engagement ring was when she was out for an hour on a driving lesson!

Sounds tough - if he's defensive then I'd back off. I can see why you are concerned- they don't really sound like loves young dream.

Classic sign of depression IME. Having spent a large proportion of my life living with a depressive, I feel a bit sorry for your BIL. Don't know if it's even possible for you to suggest that she might want to see a doctor.

Loves young dream they are definitely not! I know it's very cynical but I have even thought that now she has "bagged" her man with the engagement she has stopped making any effort at all, with herself, his family etc. I think she really needs a job tbh, but cannot see many people willing to employ her, and as I said she has made no effort to look for one.

She has absolutely no independence - financially or otherwise - she cannot drive where they live is quite remote so she cannot go anywhere on public transport and relies on Bil to drive her places.

What subject is her degree in?

DD was terribly down after her degree was over... it was such a massive change to go from student with mega-social life to working woman.

Sounds like this girl needs some encouragement to use the degree she has worked hard for. It sounds as though she has just lost her way.

Then again, she could just be a PITA

her degree was in art

I know job prospects for graduates are not brilliant at the mo but she is with no chance if she does not apply for anything!! I don't think she had a mega social life tbh - she lived just with bil all through uni and didn't really go out.

What really annoyed me the other day was that dh's gran asked her about a job and when sil said she didn;t have one yet the gran went on a rant about foreigners coming to our country, stealing our jobs blah blah and sil just nodded as if this was the reason, which I found very disingenuous...

she does "sound" as though she is depressed.

i know that i am speculating WILDLY but a possible scenario could well be that they had an unforseen pregnancy and decided due to all reasons above that they were not in a position to go ahead with it. this would explain all behaviours but like i said, a rather wild assumption.........

either way, i think the fact is that you really don't KNOW what is going on within their relationship, no-one ever really knows what goes on except the couple (and then not always.... ). it could be any number of things that you are not privy to, but perhaps PIL are. Fact is that you don't have to be bosom buddies with this girl, be civil and friendly but stop investing so much of yourself.

having said all that, YANBU, must be terribly frustrating and irritating.

Dp's ex was like that when they were together and dragged him down too (I was dp's housemate at the time so an observer). Turns out she was clinically depressed.