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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be jealous of my husband's obsession?

21 replies

MrsForgetful · 02/01/2010 23:47

Since his parents died in last 2 years, he has spent more and more time (and money) in the bookies- mainly playing roulette machines

at the moment the money is not the issue...he has no access to our joint account (where his wage goes in) and is using a separate account where before christmas I put in £200 (for christmas shopping etc) and he's still got £150- so as long as he has not go access to any money that i am not aware of, as i said the money is not the issue.

It's the time he's spending in the bookies that is upsetting me.
And the lies.

Yesterday he was gone 6 hours- said he spent most of it sat in crematorium where parents memorial is.

Today, after 5 hours i drove to the crematorium- he was not there. I parked in town- and found him on the roulette machine in the first bookies i went in.

I managed to knock over a stool in my anger (and only managed to say to him 'do you realise what the time is'

i then got back to my care- collapsed over the steering wheel in tears- and after 5 minutes drove home...past the bookies...slowed down to see if he was still sat there...and he came out the door.

he asked me if I wanted him to come home- and if i was "going to carry this on at home" there was no point him coming home.

he keeps doing that...making me the guilty one.

i told him that i was going home to make our sons teas...and i went.

he came in 5 mins after me- 5pm- and has not spoken to me once...he has spoken to the boys a little.

where i am stuck now...is IF the money side of the gambling is NOT a problem (at the moment)...

AM I BEING UNREASONABLE TO BE FEELING SO ANGRY THAT HE IS CHOOSING TO SPEND HIS TIME AS HE IS???

he's back at work monday- so i am relieved. (funnily enough him being at work for 8 hours does not bother me!)

however...the weekend will loom...he will be in the bookies 5 or so hours saturday....playing golf 5 or 6 hours sunday....

and i am sitting here feeling very childish...and resentful....and...maybe I am the PROBLEM

OP posts:

abbierhodes · 02/01/2010 23:49

No, you are not childish. He is being very unreasonable.

ChocolateFace · 02/01/2010 23:50

Your DH has a serious gambling problem. He needs professional help.

snice · 02/01/2010 23:50

If he's spending that much time there then I don't see how he cannot be spending a lot of money

BrahmsThirdRacket · 02/01/2010 23:51

No, YANBU.

Sounds like he is addicted. You say money isn't an issue, but it would be to me unless we were very very well off. Can you really say that there is nothing you could buy that would improve your life? Do you have a mortgage/rent? He is pissing money away, and it's not even like it's a constructive hobby. It's a waste of time and money and it's awful that he'd rather do that than spend time with his family.

He is also making you feel shit about it, which isn't on. Gambling addiction is a well known thing, maybe google it?

bearcrumble · 02/01/2010 23:52

No, you know you're not the problem.

Spending that much time away from you and the children doing something that is, at best, totally fucking pointless is not on.

Can you make some arrangements to do something nice as a family at the weekend? A day trip or something, so he has to come along and not go to the bookies or play golf.

He needs to realise what precious years these are when the children are young and he'll never get them back if he misses out.

Original poster

MrsForgetful · 02/01/2010 23:56

that's whats in the back of my mind.

any addict can find money if they need it.

i think i have to go and see my doctor next week- i don't know what else to do at the moment.

my guts tell me to kick him out-I feel like a battered wife. noone can see what i feel.

its like he's having an affair in my face.

we have 3 sons- all autistic (aspergers) so am seriously struggling to hold anthing together - as the boys have to come first- i just feel i am doing the wrong thing tolerating his behaviour.

i also don't work- i have OCD/anxiety- and have no confidence left in me. I don't know where to go.

OP posts:

Lucianne3 · 02/01/2010 23:56

Sounds to me like he's desperately trying to escape the emotions he feels about his parents' deaths. Maybe you should explore that instead of getting furious with him?

Original poster

MrsForgetful · 02/01/2010 23:58

lucianne- that is ALL that stops me hating him.

OP posts:

BrahmsThirdRacket · 02/01/2010 23:59

Maybe you could at first try replacing it with a similarly pointless but free game? I got addicted to computer Solitaire once during my exams (displacement activity)

It's that sort of repetitive thing people do to block out other things (like the fact they won't get a first if they carry on like this, or their parents have died)

Original poster

MrsForgetful · 03/01/2010 00:03

i'll put some prespective on this now...3 years ago he won a claim for an accident at work- he gambled £10,000 of that away in 6 months.

Last year he inherited following his parents deaths...in 4 months blew £5,000

there i've said it now.

we've also had to remortgage (last years new years present to me from him)

He ran up a credit card bill of £700 in 3 weeks - in sept- thats when i started to feel he had destroyed me.

OP posts:

chubbasmum · 03/01/2010 00:04

He needs proper help sounds like he hasnt got over the death of his parents and taking comfort in the bookies,which is not the answer if you can get him to realise that there is a problem the sooner the better and take him to the GPs, whats going to happen when the money runs out. 6 hours in a crematorium is not right i see this most of time in my patients so with the right help he will be okay Goodluck hun

bearcrumble · 03/01/2010 00:06

He's not being supportive at all but I guess he is under a lot of stress himself, you obviously love your boys but it must be a challenge having to deal with three AS children. If you are also wound up tight a lot of the time then you can start to understand why he is using the gambling and golf as coping mechanisms or just escapism from his reality.

Can you both change the way you deal with things? It looks as if both of you are using different but equally unhealthy ways of coping.

Are you having family therapy? I think it would be a really good idea.

As Lucianne said, he is probably also still dealing with his parents deaths. He's finally and categorically the 'adult' now, there's no one he can run to any more. It is scary. You can kind of understand why he is running away.

I think you both need to try and find some pleasure in your family. Do you think of the boys only in terms of their problems or can you see them as little individuals who you love AND who happen to have some unusual and maybe challenging behaviours? Do they embarrass you? Do you want them to be different? Do you feel cheated out of having 'normal' kids?

There's a lot going on, and I'm sorry for all the stresses you're under. I really hope you can talk to your GP about family therapy (and maybe couples therapy too) - there's a lot to work out but I think if you are all willing to work at it then you will have a much brighter and happier future as a family.

Original poster

MrsForgetful · 03/01/2010 00:06

i have myself played addictively solitairre on the pc! I even tried setting up 'williamhill online' at home- so that he could 'within limits...and within the home...do his little flutters'...but i am now at the point that i don't want him influencing his sons.

his own dad was a gambler...so is his brother...

OP posts:

snice · 03/01/2010 00:08

when he has blown that much how can it be that'the money is not the issue'?

bearcrumble · 03/01/2010 00:09

Didn't see your post about the amount of money he has spunked. That is just dreadful, awful.

He needs to stop gambling completely cold turkey and go to Gamblers Anonymous asap.

You have every right to set an ultimatum about the gambling after the amount he has lost.

He wasn't just stupid to gamble it away, he was actually stealing that money from you and the children.

Original poster

MrsForgetful · 03/01/2010 00:15

the money is the issue when i look at the past 3 years....however at THIS moment...i am aware of his choice to NOT be with US.

I know deep down, that because he has no access to our joint accout, i am 'safe' for now...but what's to stop him telling his employer to pay him to a different account...i just feel sick thinking about it.

he has 2 savings accounts where he put the remainder of his parents inheratence in...and the statements only come every 2 months...we are due a statement soon...i am dreading if that is where he has accessed money.

as though it is technivally his money...our children are the grandchildren...so like you said he is stealing from them if he uses all of the money.

OP posts:

Original poster

MrsForgetful · 03/01/2010 00:23

bearcrumble- thanks for helping.

I do not have supportive parents- they do not understand AS...and we fell out on boxing day.

so i am alone .

i want to sleep-but know i have to get up again tomorrow...i have to function as a mum- and i have no reserves of energy-

i hope my boys never realise how dependant on THEM i am...as if they were not here- I would have no reason to stay.

but... that said...i've cringed in the past when people 'stay together because of the kids'.... it's just now i am actually in that situation...

My neighbour works with 'families in crisis'... maybe she can offer me some 'neutral advice'

i am aware that I have to make myy own descision..but this is not just about me.

OP posts:

chubbasmum · 03/01/2010 00:36

what ever you do hun do it fast before you loose your home through his problems ive been there i was lucky in a way because he left me for another woman got married, now they are moving because he has lost them their home through gambling and drinking. goodluck

Lucianne3 · 03/01/2010 00:39

MrsForgetful, it's a different thing entirely if it's your family money he's pissing down the drain (so to speak), and not just time and escapism. Sending you a hug and hoping you find a solution for you both.

snice · 03/01/2010 00:46

He's an addict though so its not really about him choosing to be with you and the children or not is it? Being an addict means being being utterly selfish-when someone is in the throes of an addiction no-one else matters.

I'm not saying that to hurt you but to suggest that its not a rejection of his family merely that whilst addicted he is unable to prioritise you in any way.

He needs help and you can't make him get it-he will have to do that for himself. Protect what money/assets you can.

I hope things work out for you.

ChippingIn · 03/01/2010 00:54

I think you have been given some good advice on here and I think, as you said, it would be good to talk to your neighbour.

I'm sorry your parents aren't supportive of you (really don't understand parents like this?!), do you have any friends there for you? I hope so.

Please, please, please do as has been suggested and get proper protection around your assets, including the rest of 'his' inheritance.

Keep posting. I'll be thinking of you.

Flip