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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

child maintenance payments

70 replies

daisymay1 · 02/01/2010 19:09

I am just entering the world of single parenting. I am a little worried about how much I will get form ex. He has a good job approx 45k per year. We have a home with mortgage. The house has no equity and is worth approx 150k, we owe 100% on the mortgage.
I have been reading things that ex only has to pay 15% (we only have 1 child) of his net salary. Is this right? If so that doesn't cover the mortgage (£600 pm)and my child is still too young for me to work full time. He takes home £2200 pm, so he only has to pay a grand total of £330 per month for his child to survive??
Is this right??

OP posts:

Awassailinglookingforanswers · 03/01/2010 15:22

yes - it was me that suggested the council website earlier on the thread

there's nothing there at the moment (just before term starts generally not the time jobs appear lol).

I'm hoping I can juggle things for few months before I "have" to start work so fingers crossed jobs for the summer term will be starting to come up by the time I'm looking "properly" (as opposed to looking eagerly lol)

Awassailinglookingforanswers · 03/01/2010 15:25

no I'm not in Kent I'm in Northamptonshire

violethill · 03/01/2010 15:50

As a married mother who returned to work with a 3 month old baby to be able to jointly afford the mortgage/bills/food etc, your statement that 'your child is too young for you to go to work' doesn't cut much ice. Clearly most people on here feel the same.

Sorry for sounding harsh, it's sad for any relationship to split, but you need to live in the real world. You need to look on it as a luxury that you could afford to have one parent staying home in the first place.

Awassailinglookingforanswers · 03/01/2010 15:57

violet - lets not forget that it often works the other way round as well - that a married mother may not be able to afford to work

Ivykaty44 · 03/01/2010 15:59

my child is still too young for me to work full time

Was the comment -not the same as you quoted.

There is a hugh difference from doing a full time job outside the home and a full time job insdie the home on your own - from working part time outside the home and trying to balance work and raising a child.

As a married mother you may have returned to work full time - but as you say you were married not on your own.

violethill · 03/01/2010 16:04

Awassailing - that's why it's important to view the childcare expenses involved as a joint expense. It isn't the case that the mother should pay for childcare to go to work - the parents pay it.

At the end of the day, what the OP is saying is that she and her husband set up a home together and had a child on the basis that they could afford to have one of them stay home for a while (which I still maintain is lucky in this day and age. Many parents can't afford that luxury). As the situation is now changing, and they expect to run two homes, they may need to change their income to reflect that. Or sell up and live in two smaller homes. Not being harsh, just real!

Sassybeast · 03/01/2010 16:06

Sorry to hear that you re going through this - it's a horrible thing for any mum to have to worry about financial security. It's a huge shock to go from being in a stable relationship, with a safe roof over your head and a decent lifestyle to the realities of going alone and it takes a while to get your head around the realities of that. As usual, loads of people will tell you to get back to work - the reality is that finding a job with flexible childcare isn't always THAT easy. In the short term, if I was in your situation, I'd consider selling the house as the primary life change, rather than you going back to work. I'm not sure that you WILL get mortgage interest paid if you have absolutely no equity in the house, although am willing to be corrected. Making what you need to keep a roof over your head into a MANAGABLE figure is the first step here. And ignore people who emphasise their 'marriedness' in bold typing - there for the grace of God and all that

Awassailinglookingforanswers · 03/01/2010 16:09

no violet - some people CAN'T AFFORD for both parents to work - even if the childcare costs are shared. Believe me it happened to me, I have (rl) friends it happened to.

I got "round" it by H working 5 or 6 days a week from 12pm-9pm (getting home at 9.30), and then heading out to work for 9.45pm until 7am (usually 8 by the time I'd finished and could leave). That was supposedly 3 nights a week, but often 4 or 5.

I really wouldn't recommend it though.......

Ivykaty44 · 03/01/2010 16:10

try finding a cheaper house then - or council housing you could be on the list for years, take HA that could also be a few years or you might strike lucky

this is reality

Unfortunatley I don't actually know any nrp that contributes to the childcare bill they pay the csa amount - if the rp is lucky and thats it

Some fathers do pay a lot more and I know of one who pays maintence and the rent for his ex wife and dc - she also had a settlement payment - his attitude is they are my dc and I shall pay. Not may like this though....

The reality that your dh leave you and you do not work, have a small child and there is not enough money to live is a rude unexcpected reality that is quite startling and frightening It certainly can bring out the fight or flight impulse

violethill · 03/01/2010 16:16

Awassailing - you illustrate my point beautifully. In your own situation, you and your partner were both working - you just had to work shifts around each other to enable yourselves to do it without paying for childcare - and I completely agree with you that this must have been hugely stressful. Presumably you did that because a) you could not afford to have one parent at home and b) you couldn't earn enough between you to pay for childcare.

The OP has not been in that situation - she has been in a set-up where she has been able to stay at home because the 45k earned by her husband has been enough to enable her not to work. Which, I maintain, is a luxury.Her situation has now changed - so she needs to make some life changes accordingly.

TheCrackFox · 03/01/2010 16:21

I think it would be a good idea to visit CAB and find out exactly what you would be entitled to. If you can't find a job right now it would be a combination of maintenance, CTC and Child Benefit.

Would it be possible to sell the house and move into a cheaper flat?

Awassailinglookingforanswers · 03/01/2010 16:22

stresseful - hmmm I could think of stronger words to describe it..........lets just say it's almost 3yrs since I stopped doing that job and I'm still suffering the side effects of my sleep being totally and utterly f*cked 48hrs up with a 10hr shift in the middle of it isn't too good for you....(not to mention many other issues).

We could have survived with me at home still, it was doable, we just wanted to clear some of our debts quicker (god I wish I hadn't bothered I really do, I'd rather have more debt left to pay now than the rest of it........but that's another thread ) and no we couldn't have afforded childcare if I'd worked regular hours.

My BF WANTS to work (not because they need the money - just because she feels after being a SAHM she's ready for work again), she's been looking for something for 2yrs now, but can't find anything that are decent hours where the childcare (only before and after school + holidays) would be affordable.

She's working as a lunchtime supervisor, and enjoys it, but she wants more, but can't as they can't afford the childcare if she works longer hours.

It's a horrid trap to be in, wanting to work and not being able to afford to.

violethill · 03/01/2010 16:30

I don't think we're in disagreement awassailing. It is a horrid trap to be in. I had no choice but to return to work when my first was 3 months old, and we had to pay an arm and a leg for childcare, but we needed the amount left over to keep the roof over our heads. And a few years later when we had two more children, I worked for no net gain financially (2 in nursery) to be able to keep my hand in at my job. So I totally understand the frustrations for so many parents.

I just think the OP is being unrealistic, because she's had the relative luxury of not having to work (either shifts as you did, or conventional hours) and now she's complaining she doesn't want to work. TBH in her situation I would consider moving. They don't need a family home any more, they need two smaller homes. And if she needs to go out to work, then needs must.

Awassailinglookingforanswers · 03/01/2010 16:33

I guess we are sort of agreeing - you're saying that some parents HAVE to work, and I'm saying some parents WANT to work but can't afford to.

(some of us want to work but not 5am-9am, or 5.30pm-10.30pm, or 2/3 weekends - or indeed any weekends as I can't do Sunday mornings/evenings, plus childcare is rather ermm, tricky at weekends when you're single).

I just want a job - somewhere between the hours of 7.30am and 6pm and childcare to fit with it.............not asking that much am I?????? ok - maybe I am

FiveSoloRings · 03/01/2010 21:08

Oh if only life were simple. That mothers could rely on the fathers of their Dc's to help pay for childcare...If only.

GrumpyWhenWoken · 03/01/2010 21:10

Daisy are you on good terms with your ex? If you are and can negotiate between you this will make your life a lot easier.

When I split from ex-dh I had ds1 age 3 and ds2 age 6 months. I threw him out, and he stopped paying the 2 bills he paid in the house (cut off the telephone and transferred the tv licence!). So for me it wasn't too much of a shock to pay everything as I'd been doing it for so long anyway.

However, the last thing I did get him to do whilst we were on friendly terms was to sign the paper for a mortgage holiday for a year. This way I was able to cope on maternity pay for a year.

I haven't had any money from him for 2 years and the CSA say they'll send it down to the baliffs - but nothing will happen! He gave up his job when an attachment of earnings was put in place!

So.... if he's willing to pay you, accept it and try to keep him involved and on good terms. It's so easy for nrp to slowly start a new life and the feeling of being a shared parent is soon lost.

AnitaBlake · 04/01/2010 21:23

Try to work with him if you can, seriously. My DHs ex complained about her childcare costs, and yet refused to let DHs mum look after DSD.

You might not see them as much as you'd like, but the kids will get the best of both parents.

Can he help with childcare? If you can make it work so that maybe he cuts a few hours and looks after the kids more, probably you can avoid anomosity. (and look like the good guy)

SingleMum01 · 04/01/2010 21:35

daisymay when I got divorced 5 years ago there was also the option of my XH paying half the mortgage plus maintenance payments, however, this would have been on the condition that the house was to be sold when the children are 18 and the house sale proceeds then split between the 2 of you. Not an ideal situation but it may help.

emmared1980 · 04/01/2010 22:40

My husband earns around the same amount as OP's husband. He has a 10yr old by a previous relationship and has always paid CSA since they split up, (plus extra if she needed it). We also have her every week although she doesn't sleep over anymore (her choice).
Our morgage is £240 a month we also have another 5 children together. I worked full time before having my first child who is now 8yrs, I went back to work 3 days a week when he was 6 months old. Baby number 2 came along again I went back part time. We decided we would see how we managed with me being a SAHM after baby number 3, as with childcare costs, school runs etc it gets manic! Since then we have had another 2 children the youngest being 5 weeks old. We do not qualify for any benefits etc.
We received a letter in October telling us that his payments were going up to £550 a month (£137 per week). We cannot really cannot afford this and I am mad that the CSA seem to think that this amount of money can go on the 1 child who doesn't live with him and the other 5 children he has just don't count! He will have to work overtime to cover this extra cost but if they assess him again this overtime money will be included in his wages therefore a higher percentage taken out. If I go out to work they take my wages into account so it's a vicious cycle.
Their relationship ended when his daughter was 6months old, the mother was given a housing association house and worked part time when their daughter had been in school for a couple of years. She is now in a longterm relationship and has a 1year old and works a couple of hours a week, not sure how many. They got transfered to a larger house and in my opinion the whole system is wrong, her partner has a well payed job and although he shouldn't have to pay for someone elses child I feel their family as a whole should be taken into account as I feel our family as a whole should be taken into account.
My husband has always seen his daughter and she has always been included in our lives, he has never missed a payment and expects to pay for her, just a more reasonable and affordable amount.Sorry to take over with my rant but I feel better for it! X

solo · 07/01/2010 21:38

Emma, that must be a mistake and needs checking.

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