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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to get involved with my brother's business?

24 replies

lorrycat · 02/01/2010 15:19

My brother is 19 and has always been a troubled teen. He got together with a girl about 2/3 months ago and even though he's on the rebound things have gotten pretty serious.

Today my dad turned on the computer and discovered that my brother and his girlfirend had mistakenly left the last webpage they were viewing up.

It was an advice site for abortion: looking for info on how to arrange one, how much it costs, side effects, how far along do you have to be etc etc.

My dad is totally freaking out thinking she is pregnant and is considering an abortion. I've managed to talk him out of saying anthing to my brother. We are catholic and don't believe in abortion. However i am not naive enough to think we can force that opinion onto other people.

But what should i do? Part of me wants to speak to my brother to see if he needs someone to talk to..to offer support. Another part of me thinks that me buttin my nose in would be unwelcome. For all i know they could have been googling that information for someone else!

OP posts:

GhoulsAreLoud · 02/01/2010 15:20

Personally I'd do nothing, he's an adult and if he wanted your involvement he'd ask for it presumably.

mumhadenough · 02/01/2010 15:22

Maybe say to him in a round about way that if he ever needs a shoulder you are there for him, but not let him know that you know.

Its no-one elses business though except for him and his gf's but he may need an ear.

Lulumama · 02/01/2010 15:22

leave it

they are adults, and if they are googling info like that,then at least they are taking things in hand, if indeed, as you say, the info is for them.

they might well be loathe to discuss if you are all Catholics for obvious reasons

purpleduckUnderTheMistletoe · 02/01/2010 15:25

Are you close to your brother?
Can you really, hand on heart offer non critical, non judgemental support?

If so, then yes I would talk to him - even if its to give him the heads up about what your dad has seen.

Original poster

lorrycat · 02/01/2010 15:29

Purpleduck...i am close to my brother. I practically raised him when my mum left us.

I would try my hardest to offer non critical and non judgemental support, however i could not guarantee that if they are pregnant, that i wouldn't try to talk them into keeping it.

She is 21 and has a 14mo daughter with some physical disabilities so if she's pregnant i can understand that she's freaking out.

But because of my views i'm thinking that abortion is such an extreme choice (trying not to get into the whole pro choice/life discussion here).

Its a real tricky one.

OP posts:

edam · 02/01/2010 15:33

Think mumhadenough has it right, let him know you are there for him should he need you but leave it at that.

He probably won't want to speak to you if this is for his girlfriend because he knows the strength of your views. You really would struggle to offer him genuinely uncritical support, wouldn't you?

How would you feel if you accidentally left something lying around and he found out something about you?

purpleduckUnderTheMistletoe · 02/01/2010 15:41

That does sound tricky.

Maybe you need to ask yourself how you would react if she (because ultimately its up to her) got an abortion with your brothers support? Would you cut him out of your life, or would you just be upset/disappointed, but still be there for him?

I think if there is a possibility that its the former, then you should leave it alone. He's 19, and this is an intense situation.

If you can be there for him no matter what they decide, then I would talk to him, making it clear that your are there for support if needed - that you love him, but may not love the decision they make.
Did that make sense?

Original poster

lorrycat · 02/01/2010 15:42

Edam your probably right, maybe this is something i need to let him work on himself. He probably won't come to me because he has his girlfriend and because he knows i'd try to talk him out of it.

If he accidentally found something belonging to me i'd be suspicious in case he was snooping so maybe i'd better not try to give him a heads up that my dad knows.

All i can hope for is that he is happy with the decision that is made, no matter what it is.

OP posts:

purpleduckUnderTheMistletoe · 02/01/2010 15:45

Will your dad say something?

I think its ever so slightly different if its a computer that everyone uses.

Plumm · 02/01/2010 16:14

They're both adults and she is already a mother so they are well able to make their own decisions.

Original poster

lorrycat · 02/01/2010 16:17

Purpleduck...i've pleaded with my dad not to say anything. My dad doesn't bode well with communication, particularly in an intense situation like this.

The computer is in my dads house and he and my brother live there so it was very innocent that my dad came across this in the first place.

I will be there for him no matter what he decides to do. As much as i'm not a supporter of abortion i'm not a person to be judgemental either. I've just left him a message saying that he seemed rather quiet yesterday and i'm always here for him if he needs to talk about anything.

I do hope he comes to talk to me, i'd hate to see him go thru this alone. But then i have to remember that he is not really alone, he has his girlfriend.
I'm acting like his mum now arn't i? lol

OP posts:

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 02/01/2010 17:33

TBH if yo re pro life i wouldn't mention anything. Yo wold find it too hard to be objective and they need to make the decision freely. I'd find it hard not to mention it too tho.

edam · 02/01/2010 18:06

You are, a bit. But that's OK, as long as you just think it and don't actually interfere.

You are thinking about your brother 'going through it' as obv. he's your first concern. But it's really his girlfriend who is going through it, although he's involved. Another reason for you to keep out.

Poor woman, I wouldn't like to be in her position, age 21 with a toddler and an unplanned pregnancy (assuming they were looking for info for her).

Original poster

lorrycat · 02/01/2010 18:43

See that's what i've told my dad edam...it may not even be for her, however i don't know her very well and couldn't make that judgement.

just seems strange tho if they came to my dad's house to look for someone else when she lives closer to her mums.

Guess i will just have to sit back and bite my tongue ...difficult for me.

OP posts:

KimiLovesHerFamily · 02/01/2010 18:53

If his girlfriend is pregnant it is her choice what to do, she may not share the anti abortion view of the Catholic church.

Original poster

lorrycat · 02/01/2010 18:58

Kimi i'm trying to respect that, which is why i have come on here to get some advice on how to approach the situation, if at all.

But i've decided that its thier business and if my brother wants my help then i will be there for him no matter what he decides to do.

If she is pregnant then no matter what happens, i believe my brother has as much right in deciding what to do as she does, hence my concern.

OP posts:

KimiLovesHerFamily · 02/01/2010 19:27

Of course your brother has some right in deciding what happens, it would seem that they are looking together, i would guess that they are quite scared right now.

If you are close to your Brother do you think you could offer advice? Maybe they are to afraid to ask for help

Morloth · 02/01/2010 19:34

Sounds like a great big pile of None Of Your Business. I can't imagine they are going to bring it up with your family as they (presumably) know your views.

Original poster

lorrycat · 02/01/2010 19:39

Kimi i'm not sure what, if anything, i can do to help.

I would definitely imagine they are both scared. They are both so young and haven't been together very long. It's not an ideal situation to find themselves in.

If i could i would like to be there to help as best i can. Like i said, i'm pro-life, however i did have a friend who went thru and abortion and i tried to put my views aside to be there for her in a very hard time. I hope i could be as diplomatic for my brother.

OP posts:

beammeupscotty · 02/01/2010 20:22

Sorry lorrycat but you have to leave them to make their own decision and hope the web page was not for them. If it was and your brother had wanted to discuss it with you he would not have gone on the internet but come to you. Neither is it your dad's business no matter how strong your views. All you can do is be there for him and support them no matter what.

KimiLovesHerFamily · 02/01/2010 20:34

I think it really is up to them (mostly her) if she terminates the pregnancy, I am sure her Dr will be albe to help her.
All you can do is be there for them whatever they do, and when they need you

StanleyFletcher · 03/01/2010 04:24

If it were me I would say something. I would tell him that they left the page on the PC, that Dad knew, that I would handle dad if he wanted me to and that I was here if they needed anything, even to babysit or borrow the car. I would let him know that I loved him and trusted him and that I was there if he needed anything. Then I would leave him to it. The only time my reaction would be any different is if he were, say, 15.

crazycat34 · 03/01/2010 04:29

Stay out of it.

If they've only been together for a couple of months and he's on the rebound, it's not necessarily a serious relationship.

If you get involved all that's going to happen is that a hard decision is going to become even harder (and it is her decision whatever your views are ) or she'll bring a child into the world she already knows she doesn't want.

"They are both so young and haven't been together very long. It's not an ideal situation to find themselves in."

No and that is why they have made the decision that they have.

If, of course, they were looking for themselves!

crazycat34 · 03/01/2010 04:31

... and he's 19 and "always been a troubled teen".

It doesn't sound like he's in the best position to be starting a family either and the fact that he's realised this might mean that he's finally making some 'better' choices (although that is very subjective given the choice, I know).

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