to want to walk away

[addictedtolatte]

i live with my dp and have an 18 month ds. we get on great and have been together 14 years. we have both behaved badly towards each other over the years but called a truce when ds was born. i found out last night thanks to my bigmouthed partner most people in our social circle know all about our past problems. too many to mention on here. i am a private person and am mortified he has told other people our business. i feel i dont want to bother with this life anymore and move out with my ds and just live my life without a man in it. they just seem to be too much trouble. i think the only reason i am considering staying is for my ds to have his father living with him. is this the wrong reason to stay. sorry i am going on i am just so drained.

Did you (or do you) confide in any one, or ask advice, when you/dp have problems?

only my sister who i trust not to tell anyone else. the thing is the person he has confided in is known for being a trouble maker. she goes off with married men, tries to split people up for fun ect. shes a very mixed up person

Ignore and rise above it.

If you move out because of this, you will have played into her hands and she will have split another family up.

However, if there are other reasons for wanting to end the relationship then just look at those, do not let this cloud the issue.

I know it must be hurting right now, but it really doesn't matter. What I mean is, it's all rubbish which is now thankfully in the past - and your friends are still your friends. Having made "mistakes" just makes you human - you'd be surprised how little people really care about such things.

DaftApeth thanks for advice you are right. i suppose i should just ignore and rise above it. i just feel too embarassed to ever go and meet these people again.

skihorse i havnt been an angel but since my ds was born i have been 100% true and intend to stay that way. thanks for your advice

Oh few of us have led truly pious lives! But I honestly think if they're your friends then they've probably already got an inkling that you used to be a "little bit naughty" and probably love you for it anyway. If they turn their backs on you for a few daft things you did when you were younger then they're really not the sort of people you need to be wasting your energy on anyway. I know that sounds really trite et al, but I believe it to be true. Your friends were probably sat there rolling their eyes as your partner was gobbing off and wondering what he was doing as I bet they all knew all along anyway!

Oh and as for bloody sisters - I keep mine 2 countries away - it really is for the best!

also, you found out last night, it's going to take a while to get over the embarassment/angry/humiliating feelings so do nothing for a few weeks until your feelings are more settled.

Actually that's my favourite bit of advice to myself - I really hate dh when we argue and I feel so angry that I could just leave, right then and there. It wasn't until the last 4 or 5 years did I realise that if I just waited a few days (or overnight in most cases) my feelings went down and dispersed.

thanks both for you advice. i am going to try and stick around for a couple of weeks and see if i feel any different.

addictedtolatte - to be considering leaving there must be more to this than him telling someone shite from the past. Yeah it's bloody stupid of him and yes I'd be very pissed off with who he told - but a good tongue lashing should do the job! Are you really sure there's not something else that's making you think about leaving? That's a pretty big 'response' to him being a stupid, mouthy git!? I would also mention to him that if he valued his bollocks he would not be talking to that piece of work about anything, much less our relationship!

there is lot more to it than just that i think this is just the straw that might break the camels back. he is a bit of a jackyl and hyde character (no violence) and i have grown tired of trying to forgive and forget over the 14 years i just want an easy life. i also dont think i can be bothered having that piece of work in our life anymore. she is so manipulative. i have given him the ultimatum me or her. he has phoned her and told her he is no longer willing to be in a friendship with her which is a start i suppose.

Yep, it's a start.

Only you can know whether your relationship is working for you or not and if it's not, then please don't stay for your DS.

14 years is a long time, but the rest of your life is longer x

I can't think of any better reason for staying than your son. Talk to your partner and explain how you feel and ask that he never do this again as you are so upset by it.

It will be tough in a different way if you split up - it always seems as if the grass is greener on the other side, but it rarely is. You've been togther 14 years - something must work there - try and focus on what it is. Gradually your hurt and upset over this will fade and you will have happier times that give you other things to think about. I have a very good friend who sat in my kitchen two year ago crying about her husband telling me the total w*nker things he had done and planning to leave him as she couldn't stand another minute. She did stick it out for the sake of her kids and two years on they are happier than ever and going on a fifteen year anniversary holiday. I seriously thought it was all over between them and from what she was saying thought she might be right to leave him. But divorce wreaks such devastation on kids if parents can avoid it (and that may not be the case if violence or abuse is involved) then I think they should try to.

As for what other people think - most will have forgotten what they've been told about five hours later and anyway, nobody's perfect, most of us have got too much stuff of our going on to really focus on other people's 'bad' bahaviour.

Regardless of your neighbor, if you don't actually love your DP and he is not enhancing your life, then there really is no reason to stay with him.

And NO, it is never right to stay with someone just for the children.

I don't agree with you SpringBlossom.

Parents staying together when they don't make each other happy also wrecks havoc on childrne and causes them a lot of damage and upset. No child is ever going to thank their parents for giving up their happiness for their sake.

hi everyone thanks for the advice. i have thought long and hard today and i am going to stay on the grounds he gets help with his mental health. i have been with him 14 years and do love him to bits i just think he is starting to suffer from a personality disorder. i havnt just plucked this out of thin a person who works in mental health has noticed his behaviour and has mentioned to me about a year ago.