to refuse to go to dinner at in-laws today?

[winogal]

My partner and I are in the midst of a horrid fall-out. One day last week he went away skiing for the day (he didnt consult me on it, I'm left at home with DC aged 1 and 3). He phoned that night to say he couldn't get home due to road conditions. He didn't come home until 8.30pm the following night. Turns out he could have come home (road home just busy, not closed as he'd led me to believe), but chose not to because it would have taken too long, and because he wanted to get in a second day of skiing (he never told me he intended to stay up so I was expecting him home reasonably early the next morning. Suffice to say, when he got home I was raging, and I let him have it. I fully expected a grovelling apology, but nothing of the sort. Instead, he's matching my anger and cold-shouldering punch-for-punch. It's so frustrating and upseting - I've made it clear to him that this will not be resolved until he apologises but he is showing no signs of being remotely sorry. So today I have opted out of going to his parents for the annual family new years dinner. Feel bad for having done so but don't have the stomach to play happy families, and also want his family to know what a wretch he is being. AIBU

ahh love, stay home and chat with me!
Ive just posted a similar thread, and every one said without exception....yanbu to not go to the ils

Sounds like your dp thinks he is a single lad........with no responsibilities....

How is your dp with helping out around the house/with the kids normally?

Did he not ask/tell you about the ski trip because he knew you'd give him grief? Is it ever OK for him to go out with mates?

Not blaming you or defending him, but simply trying to figure out if he was/is being a jerk, or if he 'deserved' a chance to do something he really enjoys with mates.

Thanks sunburntats - just looked at your thread and you're quite right to stay put - have a good day to yourself!

Earlybird, DP is generally very good around the house and with the kids. You're probably right about him trying to avoid grief by not being upfront with me, but that's all the more frustrating because I am pretty easy-going and dont mind if he wants to go off and do stuff like this from time to time. I had no problem with him going in the first place, didn't even mention the lack of consultation. Truth is we've not been getting on for the last few weeks, so I was more than happy to see the back of him for a day! But when he misled me about not being able to come home (pah!) and then just stayed up there for another day without telling me that was his intention, well, I just feel like he's walking all over me. And now that he seems to be angry with me for being angry (the injustice of it!), it feels even worse!

I think when we have a fall out as bad as this he doesnt know how to handle it and does the old 'attack as first line of defence' stuff. But he doesn't seem to realise that makes it so much worse! I've tried to explain why I'm so angry and what I expect of him (an apology), but still nothing. I'm beginning to think he doesn't want to resolve it, which opens up an even more worrying can of worms ...

This sort of thing can become a vicious circle....you both haven't been getting on, he didn't 'want' to come home, and then when he does, he's met with a screeching harpy......he's inconsiderate, and you (understandably) react badly. It's tit for tat, and all downhill. How can you stop, and change the pattern?

Maybe you both need to 'schedule' time away from each other, so you have a chance to be with other people you enjoy, doing something you like. You can then come back to each other refreshed.

If he is normally pretty good around the house/with the kids, then going away shouldn't be a problem. It is just the way he handled it that is the problem.

Dig deeper to find out why you both are being so cranky with each other.

Does he want to go to his parent's today? Maybe you should take a deep breath, and go instead of trying to 'score' points off each other. Would it make a difference (and stop the negative momentum) if you were able to be the 'bigger' person?

Earlybird, you're absolutely right about it being a viscious circle (an all too familiar one). And also right that it's not his going away that's the problem, but how he handled it. Maybe I should have risen above today and gone to the in-laws today - usually when we fall into this downhill slide, I feel I am the one who is the bigger person and just puts it all aside for the sake of trying to be a happy family. But today I feel like I have to stand my ground, make him understand what he has done to make me so angry. Maybe it's because its this time of year I feel so wronged - it's just such a crap time to be having a major fall out.

Will give thought to the underlying issues, and your suggestion about scheduled time away from each other is a good one - thanks for taking the time to give your thoughts, much appreciated!

Have just watched my DVD of Outnumbered Series 1 and have poured self large glass of vino while my dinner cooks - feeling more at one with the world now!

well, I think forcing him to apologise is actually counterproductive

bear with me...

because he isn't sorry at all, is he ?

he thought he was entitled to fuck off for 2 days, lie about not being able to get home and then give you the coldshoulder when you express your totally-justified anger

, I don't like this bloke at all

why should you always have to be the bigger person ?

you are making it sound like he is an OK bloke, but only when he gets his own way...

You're right, WFYIIA - he isn't remotely sorry, so even if he did spit te words out, what would it achieve?

He is an ok bloke most of the time, but when we hit the skids like this, then this is how he reacts.

So how do I handle it? What do I do?

I don't like my ILs to know anything about our relationship. We keep everything private and if we have a tiff or rough patch we know it'll be resolved shortly so we never talk to other people about it as that would be like betraying each other IYSWIM? It's dangerous to get other people involved in your relationship and they will remember it and throw it back at one time or another.

I'd have said grin and bear it but it's a bit late now.

I wouldn't be happy if DH acted the way yours has by the way, I'm totally not on his side.

I wholeheartedly agree with WFYIIA
Also it's going to be a bit uncomfortable for the outlaws if there's an atmosphere between you and your DH.

wino, none o us know how much you have enabled his this kind of selfish behaviour over the time of your relationship

or even how much this one incident is an indicator of how "in charge" he is of you

only you know that

we can only tell you that what he did wasn't the actions of a family man

how you deal with that I guess depends on

1. how often he does this kinda thing

2. if you examined yourself really closely, are you really as easy-going as you would have us believe

3. how much you are willing to always be the one to back down

Personally, I would not let someone remain so "catered-to". But I learned that over a lot of years and several similar incidents to the one you are describing. However, I never made the first move to "make-up" if I truly thought he had been out of order.

DH and I have been together a long time, and have ironed a lot of the kinks out of our relationship. How long have you two been together ?

Just wondering - how would he have reacted if you had gone out and then decided to stay out for the whole day and then overnight and the rest of the next day, leaving him with the dc and no active indication of when you were actually planning to come home?

Maybe it's not something you'd want to do but any chance you could (even if not for overnight) leave the dc with him and just disappear off and see how he likes it?

If he can do it then he has no reason to mind if you do it!

WFYIIA, we've been together for 4 years (with DC 1and 3!), so I suppose we're still learning about each other. I can honestly say he doesnt do this type of thing often. Maybe I'm not as easy going as I think I am because when I think about it, we quite often end up rowing when he wants to go and do one of his 'things'. But it's usually because of the way he goes about it, not the fact he's going to be away (at least that's how it seems from my side).

Dopeydoot, he has admitted that he would go mental if I did to him what he just did to me - and yet he still seems to think his only fault is not having been clearer about his intentions when he phoned to tell me he 'couldnt' get home.

We did eventually have a conversation about this last night (instigated by me, of course). By the end of it he did apologise for all of it, but I know that was just because he wanted the conversation to stop and to put the tv on. I sense no genuine remorse whatsoever, and today we continue to be utterly scunnered with each other - ho hum.