To want to THROTTLE 'D'H

[CoffeeAndCarrotCake]

Do I need to give a reason?!?!

If so:

• He's worse than DD (aged 2). He'll sit watching telly whilst I look after DD and prepare breakfast / lunch / dinner and tidy away breakfast / lunch / dinner, and makes no efforts to assist.

• He regularly goes out for the day / evening with friends and assumes that I'll look after DD (no problem there). If I even suggest that I have a relaxing bath (v.v.v. rare) rather than my usual 5 minute shower, he looks stricken and asks what on earth to do with DD "while I'm gone."
• Asks me what DD wants to wear / eat / do (why is he incapable of choosing an outfit for her!?).
• Asks what he should do today, rather than come up with a single idea himself.
• Ignores all of my suggestions, sits in the house, now when he and DD are going stir crazy, says he wants to go out but can't because its dark.
• Leaves all the paperwork/accounts/bills etc. to me, and then acts as though me sitting and doing them counts as my leisure time (i.e. I couldn't possibly have a bath too, after all the fun Ive had doing the paperwork!), rather than an annoying chore that I don't particularly enjoy.
• the list could easily go on!!!!!!!

AARRGGHHH!!! Am ready to batter him!!

I DEFY you to tell me IABU!!!!!

He sounds like an utterly lazy bastard.

But you aren't helping by providing too many opportunities.

of course YASNBU but have a good look at hoe you have behaved in the relationdhip, you are likely to be enabling him to be like this by doing everything so he doesn't have to.

So you may need to change your behaviour in order for him to have to change his - like not cooking every single meal.

YAN at all U

BUT

I think you behaved yourself into this.

YANBU but I think only you can put this right.

If you do the vast majority of the childcare then probably he genuinely doesn't have the confidence to know what to dress her in, feed her, do with her.

Also he might not be aware how tiring it is if he has never been made to do it for a lengthy stretch of time.

I think you need to make sure he gets regular practise at this. Could you suggest that one day every weekend you always get a lie in while he gets DD up, dresses her, gives her breakfast and amuses her?

YANBU feeling the way you do ... but, laws help me, YABU accepting this.

What are you? His wife? Or his mummy?

Do you think he might be depressed?

I typed out a reply and then couldn't really be arsed to explain it.

Tell him things need doing and if he isn't willing to do it he has to pay someone to do it.

If you lay down with 'welcome' written on your face then people will use you as a doormat.

I like that saying!!

kinnies could do with remembering it herself sometimes!

It does sound like you are allowing him to behave like this.

He needs a wake up call

Well! Very interesting - I genuinely didn't realise how doormattish I was being.

Outside of Christmas holidays, I work full time and don't spend more time than DH with DD during the week. It's just in free time, so weekends and holidays, that it seems to be assumed that I'm in charge when it comes to DD / the house / bills / etc.

I think you're right - he's not stupid or incapable of looking after her well, but so long as I do things, he's simply not going to bother. I'm going to take a step back and let him get on with it a lot more in future (phew - just in time for a new-years resolution!

As for 'mothering' him - good point. His mum has always done EVERYTHING for him and, lovely though she is, I certainly do not want to become her!!

Thanks for opening my eyes ladies. I may have seemed an obvious one to you, but it wasn't to me!

Happy new year x

I think this works both ways, maybe he genuinely doesn't know how to look after her and needs ideas?

Also I think you need to tell him his behaviour is not acceptible - she's both of your responsibily and you need time out with your friends / long bath etc as well.

However you need to be realistic about what he can and can't do. For some reason my DH who is very supportive and helpful (and has looked after both DC ever sunday morning since DD was born 6 years ago so I can go to the gym) is not capable of choosing clothes for DD - its not a problem but now I leave clothes out if he has to help her get dressed.

REcommend you buy him one of the Gymboree books by Wendy Masi gives loads of practical ideas of fun things to do with toddler.

re: paperwork - thats just not fair at all as others have said you are basically mothering him, I think you need long talk about what each of your responsibilities in the house are.

We had a similar situation early on - (DH's mum had mothered him and also his father) but he took it on board and is now pretty helpful. I think also you need to give tasks and NOT critcise if they are not done exactly as you would have liked but praise instead.

He needs sole charge of her. Book yourself a 6 week course (anything!) on a Saturday morning, follow that with lunch with a friend and a bit of light shopping on the way home.....you will have a great time, and your DH will gain some skills in caring for his child, and your child will gain a close and trusting relationship with her other parent

It's a win-win situation

My DH was like this. I made allowances because he "works so hard" blah blah blah. Long story short (because I would need my own thread for that), I realised I was a hapless enabler and that he was taking advantage of me.

Take charge woman and tell him to do things. Say "oh, by the way, I'm out the whole day on Saturday so DD will be with you". Make sure you give him room to do things even if he doesn't do them exactly as you would have

Yup. Agree. He is like this because you allow it!

He'll sit watching telly whilst I look after DD and prepare breakfast / lunch / dinner and tidy away breakfast / lunch / dinner, and makes no efforts to assist.

so tell him it's his turn and sit back.

He regularly goes out for the day / evening with friends and assumes that I'll look after DD (no problem there). If I even suggest that I have a relaxing bath (v.v.v. rare) rather than my usual 5 minute shower, he looks stricken and asks what on earth to do with DD "while I'm gone."

Don't 'suggest'. Say, "I'm going for a bubble bath". If he asks what he should do with DD, look at him like then laugh and say "Your daughter?? Oh, behave." and laugh again as you go upstairs to run your bath.

Asks me what DD wants to wear / eat / do (why is he incapable of choosing an outfit for her!?).

He isn't. Just say "I dunno, just pick something" but then - and this is VERY important - don't criticise. Even if he brings her down wearing a woolly jumper and a tutu.

Asks what he should do today, rather than come up with a single idea himself.

Tell him you haven't got a clue and he should decide himself. Or give him a long list of jobs that need doing. Or send him round to my place, I need the kids room repainting and a shed building in the back garden.

Ignores all of my suggestions, sits in the house, now when he and DD are going stir crazy, says he wants to go out but can't because its dark.

Bugger. I suppose that means I won't get the paint done or the shed built? However, since it gets dark at 4 in winter, it's not actually too late to do anything! Is he scared of the dark? Or just go out without him.

Leaves all the paperwork/accounts/bills etc. to me, and then acts as though me sitting and doing them counts as my leisure time (i.e. I couldn't possibly have a bath too, after all the fun Ive had doing the paperwork!), rather than an annoying chore that I don't particularly enjoy.

Make him sit down with you and do it together. Or tell him you are not doing it so he'd better. And let the red bill come before you pay it. He'll learn.

• the list could easily go on!!!!!!!

Yes, but you can sort all of it.

Kick him up the arse, and have one for yourself too!

buy the 'babyproofing your marriage' book, and read it then, try to persuade him to read it. It's really good and if you both read it then I found it prompted really useful discussions about parenting, housework and expectations.

Good luck!

Great suggestions Heqet (and others). I've already started implementing them, and have had a couple of nicely cooked meals and a relaxing bath as a consequence.

As for dressing DD, she is now absolutely resolute in her outfit choices each morning (a whole new thread - is it normal for a 2.5yr old to be SO opinionated that they insist on choosing their own clothes every day, even if that means pyjamas with everything?! What on earth will she be like at 13?!?!?!?!) so DH and his choices don't really get a look in.

And as for the bills etc., to be honest, I don't really mind doing it all. I'm very organised and it would only annoy me to have to wonder whether DH was on top of it all. Dropping that complaint into the mix was possibly a little unfair.

Perhaps also unfair was not listing the things that DH does for me / the household (taking the rubbish out, lighting the fire and cleaning it out each day, looking after the garden, collecting me from the station - whatever the time of night...). But I wasn't trying to be fair, I was trying to vent - two very different things!

Oh CandC cake - you still need to raise your awareness about "who does what" - read your post "perhaps also unfair was not listing the things that DH does for ME" - he doesn't do them for you - he does them as his contribution to the household chores. I thought this notion of women thinking that when Hs did some of the chores, that it was for them, had long since died out. He is an adult and should take an equal share in the household chores and care of your child. Women don't have a gene that makes them more capable/pre-disposed to household chores and child care.

I am well into my 60s and was involved in the Womens Liberation Movement in the 70s and we were debating these issues then............40 years on - how depressing that some of these old myths are still alive and well!

NanaNina - I absolutely agree - that was why I wrote "for me / the household " - the "for me" items were collecting me from the station etc. the "household" items were the others listed. Don't worry - we have moved forwards!!