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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want to give my Stepmother a piece of my mind.

17 replies

Shoshe · 30/12/2009 14:22

I went to see my 80 year old Father today.

I havnt been down (he lives 45 minutes away) as I have had Swine Flu, which put me in hospital, with Pneumonia, then away for a week.

My DS and DDIL have been down each week tho, and have said he was looking very thin and had a abcess in his mouth.

DDIL had taken him to the emergency dentist on Monday who had given him antiB's and told him he needed to have broken teeth out.

When I got there today I was shocked at the weightloss he has had, so decided totake him to his Doctor, who has given him painkillers and gave me the number of a nhs Dentist.

I have made him an appointment, and then took him shopping for soft food he could actually eat.

He also told me that he has been haing dizzy spells and pulled the shower curtain down, as he had to grab it as there was nothing to hold on to.

I have gone and got a grab hold and a seat to go over the bath and DH is there now fitting it.

This has been going on all the time I have been ill.

Now my stepmother who is 10 years younger than him and a relativly fit woman, has done nothing in this time (apart from going shopping with her son)in this time to help him.

Then today she an ounces that she is going out to a rescue centre to get a new German Shepherd.

She spend most weekends at her sons, leaving the existing old dog with DF, and intended to do the same with the new one!!!

DF cannot under any circumstances look after another dog! I really dont understand the dammn woman.

So do I say something to her, knowing that if I do she will then not speak to my DF for God knows how long, making him even lonelier than he is already is, or do I talk to her daughter, saying how worried I am about it?

DF by the way does NOT want another dog, and has told her this, but she just ignores him and does what she wants anyway.

OP posts:

GhoulsAreLoud · 30/12/2009 14:24

God no, NBU at all. I definitely think you'd be right to intervene if he's not able to.

malovitt · 30/12/2009 14:26

Do you know which rescue centre she intends to go to?

Tell them the situation, she won't be allowed to take the dog.

Your poor dad!

KurriKurri · 30/12/2009 14:27

She sounds very odd, your poor Dad. Is there anyway you could contact the rescue centre and explain the situation, they might refuse to let her have one.

KurriKurri · 30/12/2009 14:28

x post Malovitt

wingandprayer · 30/12/2009 14:28

Tell the rescue centre about the exact nature of how he will be looked after. I thought they usually made quite an effort to ensure dogs were going to appropriate homes, especially large dogs like GSs. Could save a row with stepmother. Failing that just take it back the first weekend she goes away.

GhoulsAreLoud · 30/12/2009 14:31

Agree about the rescue centre.

I used to do home checks for a rescue ostensibly to look at the house but was often asked to check things like how doddery the grandma who would look after the dog in the day was etc.

Original poster

Shoshe · 30/12/2009 14:31

No unfortunatley I dont, she got the last one from an RSPCA centre near them, but has been out isiting centres with her Son, who lives two hours away so could be anywhere.

Do you know if they will have to get DF permission as well?

She is the sort of woman who just does what she wants, without telling DF until after she has done it, example, decided she dint want a fireplace in the lounge so gets the bulders in to take it out, first DF knew about it was coming home from shopping to find the builders there doing it!

And no I dont like her, but they have been married 15 years, and I have always been polite and welcoming, as it woulld only make DF life more difficult if not, but I really feel I have to say something this time.

OP posts:

Tn0g · 30/12/2009 14:32

Soshe, like you I'd be very upset to see my elderly father in such a bad way and I'd be very concerned as to why his wife hasn't been taking more care of him.

Family discussion/meeting perhaps?

Original poster

Shoshe · 30/12/2009 14:37

I have just phoned my eldest brother who lives 300 miles away, he is going to try and come down next week, but as he is being deployed to Afghan in 2 weeks, it is not so easy, will phone middle brother later, he is only in London (we are in Dorset) and see if he can make it, youngest brother is a waste of space when it comes to Family things since Mom died 20 years ago, and is anyway on holiday in the staes I think, but will text him anyway to see if he can come down.

I think it is time to have a serious talk with SM.

I actually get on well with SM,s youngest daughter, will ask her if I can meet her for coffee and voice my concerns.

OP posts:

wingandprayer · 30/12/2009 14:38

Hear so many bad things about them here am almost loathe to mention it, but is it worth speaking to social services too? If he needs more help, and your SMIL is unwilling unable to provide it, they may be able to help perhaps, even if it's just calling in to check he is up and ok on the days she is not there

emsyj · 30/12/2009 14:38

YANBU - you need to take action. Does he want to stay with her? I would be sorely tempted to bundle him in the car and just take him home with you

Original poster

Shoshe · 30/12/2009 14:47

Emsyj I usually have him here every second weekend, so that he has company, but because I wa so ill, I couldn't I was also worried he would get it and end up worse than me.

I cant have him live with me, I am a CM, and 6 children around would be to much for him.

I do phone him at least a couple of times a day, and DS and DDIL check on him if we are away (we went away for Christmas, first time I have not had him here for Chrismas in 10 years).

I dont really no what SS would do, as SM is there, and most of the time he is fairly capable, has his facuilties although is getting very forgetful.

It is more that he is just getting old, rather thn ill, once his teeth is sorted, I think he will eat better, but he is only going to get older and it does worry me.

OP posts:

Jux · 30/12/2009 15:05

I would want to do exactly what emsyj says too. Is there any way you can get him out from under her?

By the way, if he's having difficulty swallowing/eating and needs liquid-type foods, you can talk to your chemist about sip feeds - there are a couple of different makes with quite a few flavours. They contain all the nutrients you need and, though they're quite expensive, are definitely worth it. You can get them on prescription too.

Original poster

Shoshe · 30/12/2009 16:30

I wish there was, but he isnt willing to rock the boat, plus he didnt buy his first house till 65 (was ex Military then lived in a tied cottage till retirement) so the mortgage isnt paid off till he is 85, so says if he left her, what would she do for somewhere to live ( I really couldnt care less what she does to be honest).

I am sure he could get some sort of warden controlled place with is share of selling the house, there is one withing ten minutes walk of us.

But when we mention it, he says he cant be bothered, that he is to old for the upheaval.

Have now got hold of all brothers, and have got them to agree to come down the weekend of the 8th, so hopefully we can sort something.

I feel better about the dog, thank you everybody who has said that she will have to have a home visit, anyone that comes will realise that DF is not capable of such a dog.

DH has made some home made soups and I am taking them down tomorrow with DS, so hopefully they will build him up a bit.

As I said he is not really ill, just suddenly getting older, and in need of more care.

Maybe when my brothers actually see him, instead of just hearing from me or DS, they may realise he needs more and I will have the backup to tackle the StepDragon.

OP posts:

Plumm · 30/12/2009 17:17

My nan was adamant she wasn't going into warden controlled but my mum and aunt eventually wore her down persuaded her and it made all their lives easier - she is now close to them so they can care for her and she is in a much safer environment (eg her old house had a downstairs bathroom and very steep stairs so night time visits were very dangerous). You might just have to keep on at him until he agrees.

Original poster

Shoshe · 30/12/2009 17:39

But what do we do about the StepDragon, she would never move with him, she hates the town we live in (no shopping) so definitly would not come with him.

The house is in both their names, although he pays everything from his RAF pension.

Could she stop him selling it to pay for care?

OP posts:

Jux · 30/12/2009 18:36

She might have to buy him out and if she can't afford to do that then she'd have to sell. I can see he wouldn't want the bother, because it sounds like she could make it a very big bother indeed, and it sounds like they would have to separate or divorce along the way, so it's a very big step for him.

You need to have a long talk with him and find out, gently, what he really wants in an ideal world, and then work out together how to get as close to that as you can.

I'm glad your brothers are going to make the effort to come down and will be able to see for themselves how he is. Please make sure that if your brothers are at all shocked that they do not bully him. I'm sure they won't mean to, but my experience is that brothers can get quite vehement with elderly parents out of concern for them, without realising quite how vehement they're being, iyswim!

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