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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think FIL should treat all GCs equally and not play 'favourites'?

23 replies

FanjolinaJolie · 29/12/2009 21:31

FIL is divorced from MIL but lives happily with his long-term girlfriend in Australia.

Our two DD's are his first two GCs infact they are my parents first (and only) GC's too. FIL also has another granddaughter living in the same city from his daughter (my SIL), so three granddaughters in all, two from us, one from SIL.

My DDs are 3 and 5 and have never received any gifts from him at all, and don't receive cards/gifts/phone calls for birthay or Christmas. We know he does buy for the other granddaughter as we've seen the gifts in photos which he has sent us (?), seen FIL in the photos happy to be there etc etc.

Is it simply the distance that he doesn't bother to make any effort? I really can't understand it. DH has a good relationship with him (even though there is no regular contact). FIL has never warmed to me nor I to him, really.

When the girls are older surely they will feel upset by this, won't they? As it stands when I mention Grandad X they look blank as they really don't know who I'm talking about.

OP posts:

jasper · 29/12/2009 21:37

Is the other Grandchild in Australia?

Original poster

FanjolinaJolie · 29/12/2009 21:38

Yes. The other GC is in Austrralia, in the same city as he lives in.

We live in England.

OP posts:

FiveGoMadInDorset · 29/12/2009 21:39

I think the fact that he lives in the same city and sees other GC is a huge factor in this.

Morloth · 29/12/2009 21:41

Well yeah, of course he is going to have much stronger and loving relationship with a child he sees all the time than he does with two he hardly ever does. Also, buying and wrapping a pressie and handing it over is a lot easier/more fun that sending it in the post.

I can't imagine your DDs will give a toss either as they won't really have any relationship with him to miss.

It takes a massive effort on all sides to maintain long distance relationships of any sort I find.

FiveGoMadInDorset · 29/12/2009 21:42

I also think that the no regular contact is siginificant.

Original poster

FanjolinaJolie · 29/12/2009 21:44

It does take a massive effort, for sure. My parents bend themselves over backwards to keep my dd's knowing who they are, even though they live in another country too.

We Skype them and they telephone every week so they can speak to the girls.

I can't remember the last time FIL phoned, maybe six or seven years ago. Before children anyway.

He's losing out IMO.

OP posts:

jasper · 29/12/2009 21:44

It would certainly be nice if he showed some interest in his English grandchildren , but I don't think his favouring the local kid is unreasonable.

I am sure your daughters will not be upset when they are older. They don't really know him after all

Original poster

FanjolinaJolie · 29/12/2009 21:47

Well, he's never been one to ring. Even before the children.

But I assumed (incorrectly) that once he was a grandfather he would have taken an interest in his son's family and enjoyed being a grandparent, in the same way my parents have. He does seem to be enjoying being a grandfather to the other grandaughter. But zero contact with our two.

Is it because he thinks I am a sh1t DIL?

OP posts:

babybouncer · 29/12/2009 21:48

I think it is a shame that there is no contact of any kind at Christmas or on birthdays, although I think a difference in distance like that is bound to have an effect. I wonder if FIL regrets missing out on his GCs milestones? Has he ever tried to maintain links?

jasper · 29/12/2009 21:50

Fanj why would he consider you a shit DIL?

Morloth · 29/12/2009 21:51

We have been here 4 years and Mum has only really spoken on the phone to DS once, she doesn't send pressies either - what is the point when he already has a ridiculous amount of stuff. I have stacks of neices and nephews and great neices/nephews right there for her to focus on.

DH's parents are a bit different because DH is the golden child and by extension DS is extra shiney.

Seriously I can't imagine your daughters actually caring, it will just be the way it is.

Original poster

FanjolinaJolie · 29/12/2009 21:52

Not sure if he regrets it or not.

He has made absolutely no effort. Never.

I have been emailing photos of the children each month to him since the children have been born. Last time he replied was Sept 2007. No joke. I wonder why I even bother to send him them anymore.

I think he is very unreasonable not to acknowledge their birthdays though. Makes it worse that Australian GC no3 has her birthday 2 days after DD2, he went to her party/gifts etc but had ignored my DDs birthday two days earlier.

Surely you'd remember your GC's birthdays especially when 2 our of 3 of them have birthays 2 days apart??

OP posts:

Morloth · 29/12/2009 21:55

They will only care if you make it seem important. They have plenty of family here don't they? Why would they miss him?

Original poster

FanjolinaJolie · 29/12/2009 21:57

I am prob a sh!t DIL because I have made no effort to help the situation, I don't call him either to have the girls speak to him.

(At DD1's naming ceremony in 2005 he was rude to me and I have never forgiven him)

I think a part of it is that he is ina new relationship, no longer with DH's mum and therefore has a new romantic focus in his life, rather than his children/grandchildren.

OP posts:

FiveGoMadInDorset · 29/12/2009 21:58

My FIL spent 8 hours in the company of our chidren with his wife and neither spoke a word to them for the whole of that time. I really couldn't care whether they play a part in their lives or not. would prefer they were honest rather than hypocritical and then we can draw a complete line underneath them.

Original poster

FanjolinaJolie · 29/12/2009 22:00

Morloth - actually all of our family is in Oz or NZ, neither DH or I are English.

That is why his behaviour stands out, as my family have always made an effort. Even my aunt and cousins we all keep in touch and celebrate birthdays even if it's just an email or phone call.

OP posts:

Original poster

FanjolinaJolie · 29/12/2009 22:01

Fivegomad, perhaps that's what I should do?

DH pretends it's not happening.

OP posts:

Morloth · 29/12/2009 22:02

I really would just stop worrying about it.

Maybe he doesn't care that much. Our kids become our whole world and it is easy to forget that they are not that important to other people. His other GC is right there, to be cuddled and chatted to and to give feedback with gifts etc.

It is part of living overseas from family, some people just are not up to maintaining the links.

Original poster

FanjolinaJolie · 29/12/2009 22:07

True.

Ever since my cousin had her first baby and the 'next generation' was born the children in our extended family have always been cherished and made a fuss of so it's a shock to me to behave otherwise (yes, I've been in a bubble, I know!)

OP posts:

Morloth · 29/12/2009 22:10

Our social/family circle has changed with living overseas for a large majority of the last 10 years.

Some people are stayers and some people are not, and that includes family. Doesn't mean anyone is wrong exactly it is just the way it goes.

Dear god I am mellow this evening!

Original poster

FanjolinaJolie · 29/12/2009 22:11

Clearly I do need to stop worrying about this, don't I.

OP posts:

Morloth · 29/12/2009 22:15

Yup, sounds like you are the only who is worrying (the girls don't care, GF couldn't give a toss and DH wants to ignore).

Save the effort!

Original poster

FanjolinaJolie · 29/12/2009 22:17

morloth that pretty much spells it out!!

OP posts:

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