to want to have words with my ex about his lame atitude to our children

[nextyearwillbebetter]

I have been seperated from my ex for 7 years, we have 2 children together. They have just stayed with him for 2 days 3 nights. He was supposed to have them until tomorrow but he rang this morning to say he was bringing them back early because he had flu and his girlfriend has flu. I was a bit about it because he is prone to exagerration and because I have a cold and tonsilitis myself at the moment and feeling pretty rotten, but of course I wouldnt say no to my children coming home. So hes brought them back...he looked absolutely fine. When he had gone I asked children if the girlfriend was very ill and they looked puzzled and said no she wasnt ill at all. So then I find out that yesterday he was not there for 7 hours and they were with his girlfriend who I dont know very well and he has only been with about 6 months. The reason for this was that he was picking up her children from her ex's house and got stuck on the motorway. They may all seem like silly little things but one on top of another makes me cross. I had asked him to nitty gritty my son every other day because i am trying to eradicate nits without using a solution and it needs doing every few days. I spent time showing him how to do it and what to look for...he didnt bother...
Next thing is that my daughter admitted he'd given them some blue drink (i can only assume wkd or something) but with lots of lemonade...again, not impressed.
Next thing...my daughter said to me. 'Mum you know we are going to Florida, well Dad said that he will buy us some things but that it is fine if we take some money out of our accounts to take with us as we will need some spending money...' I said no of course thats not okay. Now that might sound mean, but...facts are...he is not working...he has not paid me a penny towards their upkeep for the past year and very little before then....he is not paying for the trip his Mother is so why Oh why should I contribute or be told by him that I should? The truth is I probably would have given them some money and probably will but what bare faced cheek to be told that, and is if it should come out of their savings accounts?!
Lastly, her children have odd sleeping habits, they go to bed at 5 and wake at 4, at which time they wake my children up. I have expressed my concern about this before and my ex agreed that it shouldnt happen (my daughter was getting up with her little ones and effectively babysitting them until ex and girlfriend woke up). This morning...guess what...they woke my daughter at 4 again and she got up with them. Shes gone to bed early tonight as she is absolutely hanging. All these things frustrate me no end. AIBU to say something or should I let it go

how old are your children and how old are his?

the sleeping thing would concern me the most

once they are at school no way they will go to bed at 5pm and get up at 4am so at least it will be a short term problem

and sooner or later you're dcs will realise what a pillock he is

YANBU. Wanker that he is.

I'd let it go. It will end up in an argument, you will go round in circles....nothing will be achieved. Life is too short. Consider yourself well out of the situation and leave them to it.

merrycompo: Mine are 9 and 10, hers are 2 and 4 (they are not his though)

i want to let it go but i am really wound up!!!!

I would find it hard to let this go but you probably need to get yourself into a calm frame of mind before you do so and tackle only 2 of the issues - whichever you think are most important - because if you try to address all of them it will sound like a rant.

YANBU at all though. My ex does things like this too and its really frustrating. I have to keep reminding myself that the dcs come to no actual harm, that he loves them and that however much we can all see he is a lying pillock his dcs love him. Pick your battles and good luck!

I can see why these things annoy you - but there isn't really much you can do...

a- He is their father, so when they are with him he is perfectly entitled to leave them with his g/f. When they are with you then you make these choices, he is able to decide who he trusts to watch them when they are in his care.

b- Speak to him about the kids sleeping times, speak to your kids about not getting up so early, tell them to stay in bed or shut the door and not let the toddlers in. Yours are old enough to understand and decide things for themselves.

c- If his parents are paying to take your kids (yours and his of course) to Florida then I think it's acceptable for him to say they can probably take some money from their savings. However - is this money you have both paid into for them? If it all your money then he shouldn't have said this. Did he not discuss the financial arrangements of the holiday with you? Such as his mother will pay for them to go but you need to help out with the spending money... something I see as reasonable.

I don't think he sounds like a total arse from what you have written. The lying about being ill and having "flu" is a bit shitty - but many people exaggerate their illnesses and I imagine it is very hard with all 4 kids in the house at once, perhaps he couldn't cope and didn't want to admit it?

Agree with Hando, except I do think (depending on what the savings money is/was intended for when it was created) that it's a bit unreasonable to expect you to dig into their savings to fund a holiday. He wants to take them, he pays, I reckon. If you were taking them on holiday, would you insist he dipped into his long term savings? Why should they miss out on their long term savings?

Hando:

a - I realise that about the girlfriend situation, its not them being left with her thats a problem so much, more the fact that they I send them to their Fathers to spend time with him, not someone else.

b- They have to sleep with the toddlers so dont really have a choice in the matter.

c- Their savings are not intended for that purpose, they are intended for them to use when they are older. He has never paid a penny into their savings, he once inherited some money for them which he lied to me about and said that he had put into savings but he actually had spent it on himself.
In my opinion, I shouldnt have to pay anything for the holiday as it is his mothers treat and not something that myself or my other child or my partner will be able to afford in the foreseeable future so I actually do not think it is a reasonable request (if he paid anything for their upbringing this may be a different scenario), as matter of fact I have paid 100 pounds sorting their passports out and I know that I will have to pay more out on new holiday clothes so I think I am doing enough. We have our own family holiday every year. I would never dream of asking him to contribute money towards it (and know it would never be offered!)

As for not being able to cope with 4 children...hardly my problem is it, he had my children 2 days and 3 nights. 1 of those days and one of those nights they actually spent with their grandparents and not with him at all. So this is how I see it.... Night 1 spent with Daddy, day1 and night 2 and part of day2 with grandparents, day 2 spent with his girlfriend...1 evening spent with him and the 2 other (unrelated) children. night 3 woken up at 4 in morning, day 3, 'oh i cant cope im taking them back'.....hardly fair and pretty lame if you ask me. The children dont see their Dad that often, he could surely make more effort. I manage to look after 3 children on a permanent basis. My 2 arent difficult to look after anyway. In my opinion, when my children go to stay with him, it should be all about them seeing as he doesnt do anything for them the rest of the time.

Anywho, I wont be making a special effort to say anything but if it is brought up then I will be letting him know exactly what I think!

If he did receive some money that the children had inherited (ie it was specifically left to them in the will), the if he spent it on himself, it is theft. I key would be knowing what the will actually said, and I think all wills are published once probate is granted, so could be checked.

No it wasnt like that, dont think I said that, he inherited some money and promised he would put some in an account for them thats all. He never did it but lied to me and had me believing there was some money put aside for their future but actually he was spending it on having a good time and buying a nice car...lost it all now he has because hes crap with money!

you should be happy that his mother wants to take them on holiday- be the better person and let them have some of their savings. They will grow up and remember this. I say this as someone whose parents split up and my father gave up trying to see me and now I have no relationship with him which breaks my heart and I wish my mother had tried more.

im sorry, but i am the better person for not dipping into their future savings...i may decide to give them some money to take but I think you've missed the point entirely. I dont need to try hard to get my childrens father to see them more...there is no problem with that..he can see them whenever he likes...id like it if he'd see them more in fact. I never quite understand this attitude of the fathers giving up...i would walk over hot coals to see my children, there is no way i would ever give up trying to see them even if someone was being difficult (which im not). Why should a mother have to try more? Maybe in your case this is true, I wouldnt know but its not the case here.
I am happy that his mother is taking them on holiday, when did i say i was not???! I didnt actually ask for an opinion on that!