To only want to spend a maximum of 2 days with my partner's parents?

[AnnieDelores]

Dear All. My partner's parents arrived at lunch time Christmas Eve. They didn't leave until lunchtime on the 27th. I spent 3 days as a permanent waitress, laying the table every day for breakfast lunch and dinner and getting drinks. The dishwasher didn't stp and neither did I. My partner also rushed around after them too.I think they may have offered to help more if we had a bigger kitchen - it's a squeeze to get in and out- but I still think they could have helped out more....helped themselves to breakfast etc. To make things worse, they are both extremely dull...very sweet...but dull. His father sits with his nose in a book and barely speaks. His mother is just very "westcountry" and doesn't really have much to talk about because she lives in a rural hamlet. Is it unreasonable to say to my partner I really can't stand to spend too much time in their company either at their house or our flat?

Thanks for rescuing me Thesecondcoming. I'm going to suggest future visits are liberally peppered with pre-planned outings / walks / news bulletins (to stimulate conversation) or alcohol induced comas. I'm also going to insist that visits both ways are no longer than 2 nights because we're exceptionally "busy". I think my partner will understand that... or if he wants to spend more time with them I'm not stopping him......he'll just have to go on his own.

I do know where you are coming from re people who never leave the area (we have one or 2 in our village) but please surely it must exist all over the country?

Oh and I can also totally sympathise with the PIL although my FIL is an exceddingly intelligent man who is also hideously condescending and SMIL is just awful. I refuse to have them in the house anymore and luckily DH is in agreement.

YABU, and a bit of a snob - "very west country" I wouldnt dream of expecting help from guests, i also couldnt cope with waiting on someone for three days - so heres what i do, i dont do it!!

My MIL must be "westcountry" too then, because she can witter on for england, about her neighbours cousins son, or traffic jams etc etc. But she comes from london!! FFS some people! Shes hes mother - put up with it!

We had an old couple who lived in the village (she still does) and the furthest they went was to the small town 7 miles away, that was it.

No offence taken, AnnieDelores . I know what you're driving at - maybe would have been better not to specify a particular area though. I know people like this who live in cities.

Definitely think the pre-planned outings are a good idea, and maybe some games/quizzes/shared DVD watching over a few bottles for next time. Or they could host the next big family event (or would that be worse?).

Come to think of it, that describes me pretty accurately

YANBU.

But on balance I prefer my ILs to come here, I really don't like being in other peoples houses too long.

I think the key issue here is not where you come from, but how much effort you make to engage socially. There can be too much of an assumption that because you are with family, you don't have to try. We all like spending time with people who are as interesting as they are interested, have views on the news and at least one or two hobbies or interests. You wouldn't choose to spend time with some who barely spoke, had no hobbies and no opinions on anything relevant. Why should anyone be interested in someone else's neighbours, their cat or the temporary traffic lights at the end of their road? Everyone, no matter where they come from or what they do, should make an effort to engage in conversation, albeit slight, or not expect to share in others' company.....whether they are family or not. They are in their 60s not 80s for Heaven's sake. I think the book sharing is a great idea....and think I'll just need to be a bit more prescriptive about the way we spend our visits in future.

Would outings and games work?

Also not unreasonable to tell them 2 days is how long they will stay imo unless they need to rely on public transport which could be tricky...

Cripes and there's me complaining. Your scenario sounds worse thesecondcoming. I know what you mean about tea at 5.30pm. We'd all be starving again at 10pm!

Well these, I can see that it's far more inconvenient to them to have to eat their dinner 15 minutes late than for DP to do without entirely. It's not as if he's got time before 5.45 for a trip to the pub is it?

Although with some socially inept rellies the telly's a godsend. My uncle was glued to sky sports when he came round the other day.

When my ILs used tovisit, they had to leave at 4 to get home "in time for tea"!

I do completely sympathise about ILs. Mine are lovely but we do have very different views on lots of issues and however much I like them it can be a real strain having them for more than a day or two

It sounds like the OP was too busy in the kitchen to worry about conversation.

The fact that she brought up both maybe means that her expectations were in the basement to begin with.

Two days is not long to spend with relatives. I personally prefer spending this amount of time with my inlaws rather my own family.

If you know that someone who is not au fait with the ways of the world is coming to stay, you should adjust your expectations accordingly. I am sure that there is plenty of interesting things about her small world, and there is always your larger world to enlighten her with.

Whenever you are in social situations, you cannot expect the other party to come forward all the time. You do half and they do half. If you don't hit it off, it is just as much your fault as theirs.

well personally I think YABU, 3 days is not very long at all really and I think it is unreasonable to say to your partner you cant stand to spend a few days with his parents (unless you are SURE he feels the same!). Next time try just saying "can you give me a hand" or something!

It's the permanent waitress thing that wears you down a bit.
Mine sit expectently on the sofa, waiting to be offered tea, meals, breakfast, lunch, snacks....
They switch the telly on and leave it on all day even if nobody is watching (a pet hate of mine).
I have told them that they are welcome to make their own tea, but no, they wait for me to do it.
FIL has never ever offered to tidy up. MIL offers, then doesn't do it.
When we go to theirs, we help, cook half the meals and I try to resist cleaning their kitchen too much.

I do like them really, but after about 3 days I start to go a bit crazy as I wash up yet another round of tea mugs (they can't seem to use the same one again).

i try and avoid asking the boyfriends mum to come as she wont put her false teeth in,and she sucks her food

Golgi, that just about sums it up. The waiting to be waited on.....the offering to help then not helping........

Yes my expectations were low because it was tough going when we stayed at theirs. We helped cook, clear the table and wash up and did most of the entertaining conversation-wise. Exhausting.