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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be very peed off with DS1's behaviour?

19 replies

costagirl · 28/12/2009 20:03

Been at my Mum's for Christmas as DH away, and it's been ok tho the DSs were a handful. Haven't had 5 minutes to myself for weeks - had to hold the fort all over Christmas as my Mum's hip dislocated Christmas Eve and tho she managed to get it back in, she was fairly frail so I did all the entertaining & cooking. Last night I went out for a drink with an old school friend - I had been really looking forward to it. Got back to find that DS2 had played up going to bed, and DS1 (age 8 ffs) had spent the evening on the stairs crying and sobbing, "when's Mummy coming home?" Before anyone thinks it's because his Dad is away, he is ALWAYS like this if I go out. (Doesn't happen a lot.)

Today I am so annoyed with him that I can barely raise a smile.
AIBU to be really pissed off with him?

OP posts:

fattybumbum · 28/12/2009 20:06

Yes. He just missed you that's all. Goes with parenting territory.

Rainbowinthesky · 28/12/2009 20:07

I dont think it's a case of being unreasonable or not as it's sad he was upset however you are entitled to go out.

GoodKingWhatFreshHellLookedOut · 28/12/2009 20:07

Sounds like a very stressful Christmas for all of you, maybe he was finding it just as hard as you?

Original poster

costagirl · 28/12/2009 20:14

I think at age 8 he is capable of understanding that Mums are entitled to meet up with a friend once in a blue moon. I felt he was being very controlling - he is a very demanding lad who wants a huge amount of attention. My poor Mum was glad to see the back of us today.

OP posts:

Rainbowinthesky · 28/12/2009 20:15

I agree he is capable of understanding that you are going out and are entitled to this however it sounds like he has bigger issues here that need looking at.

harimosmummy · 28/12/2009 20:22

I think you definitely need to talk to him about why he was so upset about you going out.

As a child, I had very bad anxiety about people going out. For some (I appreciate bizarre reason) I was absolutely sure they were going to disappear / be abducted / murdered.

I know it sounds stupid, and I knew it then, but I struggled to control it. And my mother vacilitating between pandering to me and then getting super angry with me did little to help.

I got over it - not sure when, mid teens I suppose - but it was horrible as a child. My mum once went on a course about 20 miles away but took the train and I cried at the train station I was probably about 12YO and she was (understandbly) bloody pissed off with me.

you mention their dad being away? Does he have a set pattern? My dad worked away - months on end at time (longest 13 months). I never knew when he was going away or coming home and (this is back in the 70s) he often disappeared for days when travelling (worked in very bizarre places). I wonder whether that fueled my issues.

whatever, though, I would talk to him. You are right that this isn't normal 8YO behaviour and, while I can see you are upset, so it he.

Hassled · 28/12/2009 20:27

Either it's extreme anxiety or he is milking it to get a reaction/get what he wants, i.e you not going out (and I have seen that being done).

Either way, you need a long discussion with him - you are perfectly entitled to have a night out, and at 8 he is quite old enough to understand that. But if he is very anxious about being left, you need to get him talking about it.

PixieOnaChristmasTree · 28/12/2009 21:07

I think a lot of children are anxious about their parents going out - I often used to babysit for a little girl who always developed a misterious illness before her mum went and as a child I was always anxious my mum wasn't going to come back.

I don't have extreme issues and neither did the girl I babysat.

He was probably upset about his Grandma - maybe he was scared she was going to hurt herself again and he was the only person there to help her?

I don't think you should be angry, but I do think you need to ask him why he was so upset when you went out.

WhatNoLunchBreak · 29/12/2009 11:16

Kids are "very controlling" at times - but that's not the point. Point is that he feels that he has to be that way for some reason. Kids adapt to the situation that they're in - and that adapting can take many forms.

I agree that this is something deeper than being a pain. Your husband goes away a lot? That could be part of it. Maybe his acting up is the only way he knows how of keeping at least one of his parents around - or, if they're both out, of getting the attention of someone who is looking after them.

Calling him controlling for the sake of it is putting a huge burden on his shoulders.

YABvU

displayuntiltwelfthnight · 29/12/2009 11:21

YANBU to be frustrated but YABU to thnk he's doing it to be controlling. I suspect it's more the case that he can't actually control his emotions and if he's usually upset if you go out, he's maybe even more so having had a busy time at Christmas.

I find Christmas and birthdays evoke a massive emotional response in my dcs and they all get overly excited and then overly emotional after the event and it manifests itself in either anger and playing up or in crying and emotional outbursts like you describe, OP.
My 7yr old ds has been very similar in having sobbing episodes over apparently nothing so could it possibly be a bit of a reaction to all the glory of Christmas and getting overly excited and then finding himself unable to deal with it because of being tired?

WhatNoLunchBreak · 29/12/2009 11:27

I hasten to add - after reading my last post, which was a wee bit harsh - that I agree with display: YANBU to feel the way you do. In the same way, your DS is NBU to feel the way he does either.

GracieW · 29/12/2009 11:40

God that would make me want to stay out all night!

YANBU but I would also be very peed off with whoever was putting them to bed as they obviously did a crap job.

thesecondcoming · 29/12/2009 12:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

clam · 29/12/2009 12:26

So ask him what that nonsense stuff was all about, but I think that, at 8yo, he's not too young for you to make very clear to him, during the course of the chat, just how his behaviour affected his grandmother - and you. That she had been unwell and in pain and really didn't need him adding to it in the way he did. You can lie say you're flattered that he loves you so much he misses you on the rare occasions you go out, but that he's old enough now to get over it and that you are depending on him to be a big boy on such occasions in future.

ChippingIn · 29/12/2009 12:32

YANBU - at 8 he is old enough to control his emotions and not tantrum like a toddler. He is old enough to talk about not wanting you to go and why. He is also old enough to understand that you are entitled to a life of your own as well as being his Mum. He was not left home alone - he was left with your Mum, who he presumably loves & gets on OK with (if that's not the case then YABabitU). I would have been really cross with him putting your Mum through this.

shockers · 29/12/2009 12:35

Ask him how he thinks he would feel if he didn't get time to spend with his friends and explain that mum needs this too. I agree with telling him that you like that he loves you so much but explain that you do nice things for him because you love him and a nice thing for you is having a stress free catch up with your friend!

Pikelit · 29/12/2009 12:43

I'd (ordinarily) be very irritated by an 8 year old weeping away like a proper silly if I had the cheek to go out.

But...your ds1 has had a disrupted Christmas what with your mother's dislocated hip and his father being away. Also this all took place away from your ds's home and if you add the general hype of Christmas to some specifically stressful circumstances then I think YA being a bit U in expecting the lad to brace up and not react to your absence. You know you were only going out with friends and so did your son, in theory. In practice it was yet another night when things weren't quite right and I'm sure this was at the root of Monday night's kick-off.

mamas12 · 29/12/2009 16:12

Agree with most of the posters here but also think he needs more experience of you going out and then it won't be so bad for him

Original poster

costagirl · 29/12/2009 19:46

Interesting responses, thanks. To those who comment that it's harsh to suggest he was being controlling - he has done this for years, if I go out for an evening. I rarely do! If DH is at home and babysitting, there isn't too much of a problem, tho DS does ask a lot what time I'll be home. But if we're at my Mum's....she has been faced with the sobbing and crying on many occasions over the years. On a couploe of occasions he has told her she has to ring me and tell me to come home. It's very hard on her and means I am loathe to ever ask her to babysit.

It WAS a bloody stressful Christmas, and I take on board your comments that he was more unsettled than usual. we've had talk today, in which he told me why he was so upset, and I told him why I was so upset.

Till the next time.....

OP posts:

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