Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

to be upset that my mother puts no effort into xmas

39 replies

fledtoscotland · 27/12/2009 22:35

ok I know I am as she has bothered to write a cheque for £50 for both DSs but they are only 1 and 2 and DS1 esp loves opening things. would it have been so hard for her to buy a small toy of minimal value so that he had something to open from Grandma?

We have a very small family (I am an only child unsurprisingly), DH only has one brother with no children, MIL is dead and FIL is not in good health. DC do get plenty of presents from us and Santa but I am just fed up with my mother who takes the easy option all the time and just writes a cheque.

I know its coming across as ungrateful (I'm not as it just goes in their savings accounts) but i'm more disappointed that she is too busy (retired but a young fit 65 in good health) to put any effort into Christmas

OP posts:

LadyBiscuit · 28/12/2009 19:53

YABVU. If Xmas is important to you then buy presents for your children on your mother's behalf. Some people don't really like the whole gift thing.

Original poster

fledtoscotland · 28/12/2009 19:56

poinsettygawg - she really never puts any effort into anything apart from her social life. Its just hit home really this year that apart from us (sorry Santa) the boys have no proper family. BIL lives is spain and is very generous but he only sees them once a year. FIL is fantastic but due to ill health, he is unable to spend too much time with them. My mother is fit, healthy, active but too busy with herself to bother. As I said in OP, am an only child and I only see my mother once or twice a year.

I am not complaining that DC are being sent money - am grateful for any additions to their savings. I am just saying that I would like her to be a grandmother although I know that since she has never embraced her role as a mother, it is unlikely that she will ever have an interest in her grandchildren and that disappoints me.

OP posts:

poinsettydawg · 28/12/2009 19:58

You said you can't fly so I just wondered where she lives.

Original poster

fledtoscotland · 28/12/2009 20:01

550 miles away. its a 12hr car journey or 1.5hrs on a plane and then 2hrs by car. we literally live different ends of the UK

OP posts:

poinsettydawg · 28/12/2009 20:02

ah ok.

There's not much you can do if she lives that far away.

You need to adjust your expectations and not let it bother you. No other option.

nellie12 · 28/12/2009 20:10

ah now your mistake was mentioning xmas preents and putting it in aibu. when actually this is about you relationship with you mum.

Ponsetty is right. All you can do is make sure your own family relationships with dc are different.

LadyBiscuit · 28/12/2009 20:33

But you see, there's your mistake. Why did you think she was going to step up to the plate once she became a grandmother? If she was a disengaged mother, that was very unlikely to happen. I hate to rain on your parade but it does sound like you have rather unrealistic expectations of her. If she'd been a brilliant committed mother, I'd admit that sending a cheque would be bizarre and disappointing but it sounds like anything more from her would be out of character.

And if you have 'fledtoscotland' then presumably you're the ones that have moved 550 miles away from her, rather than the other way around?

Original poster

fledtoscotland · 28/12/2009 20:39

again thanks for the replies. yes I know I have unrealistic expectations and most of the year I deal with it. Its just at Xmas it just brings it home when my friends have close family ties.

ladybiscuit - i have indeed moved to scotland when I married DH but was sent away to boarding school at a young age so havent actually lived at home for well over 25yrs (am now mid 30's) so am not sure there were ever any ties.

I dont really expect any different but I do feel for DC that they will not know any grandparents since MIL is dead and FIL is unlikely to live for many more years due to poor health.

OP posts:

expatinscotland · 28/12/2009 20:44

What saadia said. I agree.

I'm flying 5000 miles on my own with a 1-year-old, a 4-year-old and a 6-year-old.

It can be done!

I think you need to readjust your expectations and stop letting your mother's social life make you so upset.

LadyBiscuit · 28/12/2009 20:52

I can understand that it must hurt but it doesn't sound like she's very maternal so I think you're continuing to give yourself pain over something that is never going to change

You know the AA serenity prayer:
"Grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change;
The courage to change the things that I can;
And the wisdom to know the difference."

You really need to start doing that. Accept her for who she is. And it isn't impossible to travel with two small children - difficult but not impossible. And can't your DH help?

ijustwanttoaskaquestion · 28/12/2009 21:27

YANBU - my mum does the same thing, she is VERY generous with the amount of money but insists that i buy the presents. Drives me fucking nuts, it makes me realise it was my poor old dad that was the driving force behind me having xmas presents when i was little.

santasmagicnappysack · 29/12/2009 09:55

Well YANBU then, she sounds like a rubbish granny. You have to keep telling yourself that ultimately it will be HER loss, not your DS. They are missing out on a cold fish as a GM, she is missing out on two wonderful warm loving little boys.

skymoo · 29/12/2009 10:01

stick the money in an account for them, and when they reach their teens they will be ecstatic at being able to buy stuff they wouldn't normally afford

Mine get a cheque every year, only £20 each, but as we live away from the family, it is a sensible option - wish I had thought of saving it over the years, would be able to buy them a wii by now

GroundHoHoHogs · 29/12/2009 10:56

I don't think you are making a fuss over nothing. OK so the DC are 1 and 2, so technically it could be levelled at you that you are a teensy weensy bit U, as they really don't know what is going on.

However, from experience, your eldest will
start to cotton on next year.

My advice, take your Mum out christmas shopping next year. Tell her that it's important that they have bits and pieces to open, and go somewhere like ELC or somewhere like that and choose bits together.

My mum is older than yours and has gone to an almighty fuss... a HUGE stocking at hers... which I will suggest to be scaled down in future years, but as this is his first UK christmas, (he's 4) and his cousin's first christmas, she was entitled to go a little overboard....

Flip

1 2