To expect my parents not to slag me off?

[yerblurt]

AIBU to expect my parents not to slag me off in front of me and my partner (and 7yr old daughter) when they come to visit today?

The way they went you would think I was the worlds worse tearaway, robbing cars etc. Far from it.

I grew up in a shit part of L'pool - one of those out-of-town wonderful 60s estates where I actually had a pretty rough time growing up, experiencing aggressive verbal racial abuse (I'm mixed race and it was basically a 99% white area) every single day for years.

I did well at school, did A-level, went to a red-brick university, got my BSc, worked in research, worked for the NHS and now doing an MSc, so I've not turned out too badly.

To listen to my parents going on today (when I was out making them cups of tea in the kitchen) it was like I couldn't be bothered at school, I was the class joker (actually a mechanism of fitting in and not being targetted every day for more verbal abuse and bullying), wasn't interested in any activities, couldn't be bothered.

I was really offended by this - it went beyond parents reminiscing about what you did as a child and just went on and on droning on about stuff like I was the worse yob in the world.

I could have pointed out LOADS of examples of their parental deficiencies;

• my father never being around, working, never going to school events or showing any interest
• living in a really crap area where I was subjected to years of vicious verbal bullying and racial abuse
• not getting encouragement or "well done" for my achievements
• a general feeling of "not being loved" emotionally, but being provided for goods-wise
• and then being accused of being "selfish", having a "chip on my shoulder" etc etc

... the nit picking apart of ones personality was breath taking.

I basically handed them their cups of tea and asked them not to slag me off like that, my dad tried to make a joke of it and said "oh does the truth hurt, ha ha" as I was walking out.

I just sat in the next room surfing the internet figuring that I would probably say something I would regret (and heaven forbid you can't say ONE bad word about my parents - that would be WWW3 and I would be so terrible and say really upsetting things after ALL my parents had done etc etc).

I figured that I would rather not engage with such people and just felt really let down. It's not as if they have shown a hell of a lot of interest in the grandchildren anyway, they are all loving and all over them when they are here but apart from that they show very little interest.

It's only now that eldest daughter is 6yrs old that she has stayed at her grandparents on her own. First of all there were the excuses that when she was older, when she was out of nappies, when she was at school etc etc. Most grandparents jump at the chance!

and that's when they bother visiting - OK so there may be a bit of travelling involved, hell they live in liverpool and us in manchester , it's not like it's 200 miles away! 45 mins to 1 hr travel door-to-door max and my dad drives fine. We also visit them.

Jesus I wonder why I bother - I feel very ambivalent to them now and think that's it really, can't be arsed. I'll hook up with them nearer 1/2 term when daughter can stay with them for a couple of days, until then I just feel like sacking them off.

So AIBU to feel like this?

for you. It is immensely disloyal of your parents to behave like this, and since you seem to have achieved an awful lot from a not-so-promising environment, rather untruthful too.

all this was aimed at your wife? what started the conversation off? they surely didn't just launch into it as soon as they entered,did they??

sympathies...do you have siblings?

why is it so hard for parents to act & say loving things to adult children??? I think perhaps it's even worse to say such things to their sons.

Drives me mental.

I must remember to say more positive to my soon to be teenage dd.

Dhs parents are the same always taking the p out of him when he is far more responsible and considerate than his father has ever been.

It is a very nasty thing for your parents to have done. I get aggravated over my Mother saying things far less unpleasant than that.

YANBU but for your own sanity I would try to put some emotional distance between yourself and the behaviour of your parents both past and present.

They are probably jealous of you.

If they really are a piece of work try to visit them on neutral ground like a restaurant. People seem to behave themselves more if they think there is an audience.

Tiffany yep they were talking at me. The conversation went in that direction because I was showing DP's mum a prospectus for DD's prep school.
I thought they would show some approval that their grand child was going to a good private school. Instead they launched into having a go about DP and how crap he was at school etc

They've always been like this tbh.

I made the decision years ago to emotionally cut myself off from them, for my own sanity, as they seem to always try to exert the "parent-child" relationship and I've moved away from that.

In fact years ago I had a massive ranting letter in which I put down every feeling and thought and sent it off to them, it included all my feelings about how I was growing up, what I went through and how unsupported I felt, how my memories were full of them arguing every weekend, how the house just felt full of tension and aggression from my father, how I used to disappear to my bedroom to immerse myself in a world of books and music - it's a wonder I didn't become (1) teenage delinquent (2) petty criminal (like many of the losers from the school I went to)...

All I got was "your father was very upset by your letter"

... oh poor him, nothing about an acknowledgement of MY feelings or MY experiences, it was all "me me me" - unable to see anything apart from their own point of view.

It was after this that I made the decision to emotionally cut myself off from such toxic parent behaviour.

No I don't have any other siblings - so it's not wonder that I'm "selfish" (and who's responsibility was that I wonder - who were the parents?), if you call self-reliance, being able to look after myself as there was no-one else to rely on, then I'm guilty as hell of that!

fuckwits.

my parents are exactly the same. Im a 20 year old single mum, and not only do they put me down all the time about my personality, they criticise my parenting and discuss this with the whole family behind my back! Telling me that it would be better off if i put my DD in care when shes a perfectly happy healthy baby who i adore!!!

My partner left me in the middle of PND with a 2 month old all alone and i was a mess because all my family (who i needed) could do was tell me to 'grow up' and stop being pathetic.

after years of trying to get through to them, it makes no difference, they are selfish. you're not the only one, my parents were on drugs most of the time growing up and im still a respectable loving person. be proud of what youve become i certainly am

It sounds to me as if they are defensive about how well you are doing as a parent and in being able to provide a private education for your child when they couldn't. And that they have a fixed vision of you which fits better with their expectations than the reality!