To Think DH's Ex Wife Is A Complete Loon and To Worry About My Stepchildren?

[midori1999]

Oh, where to start...

DH and I have been together for six years. He ex wife left him three years prior to that.

My step son and daughter are now 13 and 17 respectively. It is very obvious the son is favoured at home.

Three years ago we took DSC on holiday with us, including my own children. We discovered DSD was making herself sick after eating and had been cutting hersel falso. Her Mum knew about the cutting herself, but not about the bulimia. DH and I chatted to DSD when we got home and she told us her Mum had been weighing her and had tried to join her to a gym, and also told her if she ate less she would lose her 'tummy'. Comments had also been made by her Mum's boyfriend (who is married, and they know he is married) about her eating habits/how she holds her cutlery etc. She had actually been told she ate like a pig.

Roll on a few years and the ex wife recently found out that DSD had been to the family planning clinic, she went mad. Now DSD has been putting herself on porn sites and going on webcam to men 'doing things' to herself. She has also been seeing several boys. She knew her Mum would know about the porn/webcam thing as her Mum put a programme on DSD's computer which would monitor her online activities and she knew about this and her Mum would check it.

On top of that, DSD had her car 'confiscated' for what her Mum deemed as bad behaviour, and is still regularly grounded. (I really feel that if you're old enough to drive a car, you're too old to have it 'confiscated' or be grounded really) Recently, upon being let out, DSD went to a prty and then disappeared with a boy/man she didn't know for several hours, lied about where she had been, and the asumption is she went off to have sex with this lad she didn't know.

The married boyfriend went to Australia with his wife and children last year, and then came back and took the holiday DVD round to show ex wife and DSC, which I find a bit controlling and odd. Als, when hubby visited yesterday he noticed a new notebook laptop and asked the children if it was one of their christmas presents. DSS replied it was for 'married boyfriends (although he used the name) wife. I really don't think knowing abotu sucha relationship and how their Mum is being treated is helping them. (She has been seeing this man at least since DH and I got together, wants him to leave his wife, but clearly he isn't going to)

There are a few problems with DSS, but not on the scale of DSD. There have been other problems as well, but I don't want to go on too much and can't list everything, these are the main things. I am very worried, for DSD particularly. DH is sadly useless at sorting things out, and the ex wife refuses to meet me or speak to me, so I feel helpless. I have considered social services, but not sure if they'd do anything due to DSD's age.

I am unclear from your post - is the issue that you want to help but don't know how?

surely since she's 17 she'll be off to college/uni soon?. And get away from her mum.

Very sad for her, good that she has you to talk to though.

Yes, I don't know what to do to help, if there is anything. I feel her Mum is totally messing her head up.

beyondfurious she is currently in sixth form, which she started in Sept. and has another year to go. I think she must be one of the oldest in her year due to whenher Birthday falls. Sadly, she doesn't talk to me or DH either sadly. She is very conscious of making everyone around her happy by saying the right thing.

She sounds so much like me. I had eating disorders, used to cut myself and do recreational drugs. I was also involved in making fetish movies and had many older boyfriends and lovers. I was like this until I was about 25 and now I've completely turned my life around.

I had a very loving but controlling and overbearing mother and a dad who seemed indifferent to me. I grew up feeling that he didn't love me and looked for this love from other older men. The key for me getting out of this cycle was counselling and improving my relationship with my dad. She will get through it and come out the other side, but at 17 she'll be very hard to get through to as I was. Ultimately, she'll learn from her own mistakes, just be there to cushion the blow when she needs you. I wouldn't change my life for anything, I've just out much more positive and level headed than most people I know.

surely its more a problem for your DH to sort.

Although it must be frustrating to have to stand by and watch all this happen.

It seems from your post (but I might be wrong) that its more about your issues with exw who sounds like she may have eating disorder but not a 'loon'

FWIW one of my happily married friends has a daughter with bulimia and at that age its quite hard to deal with it.

Easy for me to say this but could you detach yourself a bit. Your dh should be acting with his ex w.

who the ex-w boyfriend is or his marital status is none of your business.
your dsd is legaly an adult , so theres not much you can do about her behaviour , however shocking.
just make sure she knows you are there for her if she need you x

Also it seems the ex w is the scapegoat for all the problems when it might be the entire situation the dd is in.

I do speak as an exw so am a bit biased but can imagine myexhs new p having a long list of things she thinks I don't do properly.

But from my perspective she seems completely unrealistic about how to handle teenagers/older children and only sees a snapshot of their life.

Also it suits many h's agendas to paint their exw as a 'loon' it seems and then the new p seems to feel the need to 'fix' the 'damaged' dcs. Its a weird dynamic imo.

Just putting forward another perspective.

I think calling social services would be a really bad move.

I realise it does sound like I am overly critical of DH's ex wife. I have tried to befriend her, or at least be on talking terms with her, but she really won't have any of it. She is also very quick to think badly of me. This has lead to problems with the children. Recently she told my DH that DSD didn't want to come and stay here any more, but having had a chat with her DH has found out that that wasn't the case, just how his ex wife intepreted it. (there isn't much to do here and DSD gets a bit bored sadly, we live in the country and are 'outdoorsy' and that isn't her thing)

drlovesmincepies I don't fin dher behavioru shocking, just sad and I don't want to stop it perse, I just wish there was somethign I could do to help her. Without going into detail, what she has been doing online is rather 'extreme' and I am a very open-minded person. I don't feel that a perfectly happy teenager would do such things. She is also not legally an adult int he eyes of the law.

I suppose what worries me most is that it appears she is desperate for her mothers attention, but her Mum is oblivious tot hatfact and just tells her daughter she has no self respect. (i think the fact she knew her Mum would find out about what she has done is more relevant that what she actually did)

DSD is quite immature for her age in many ways, as she has been 'babied' at home. My main worry is that she is putting herself in danger. For example, what if she went off with a lad she didn't know and then changed her mind at the last minute, but he insisted?

The ex wife does have serious emotional issues, and I do feel for her, but surely weighing your own daughter an dtelling her to eat less (when she is perfectly normal and slim) is very unhealthy for the child involved?

The situation does sound bad but this girl has two parents. I don't think you need to involve yourself at all, tell your dh to be there for his daughter.

It is hard to be expected to 'parent' children some of the time but not to worry about them. My husband does try and do what he can for them (hence he is there now, at Christmas, as it will mean a lot to them) but he just isn't very good at it, sadly. He's not very good at communitcation, and if he says anything his ex doesn't like, she basically throws a tantrum, won't speak to him, or answer emails and threatens to stop him seeing the children.

We collected the children last year and parked in the street outside her house. We got a text whilst at lunch to say 'do not bring your wife to my house again!', despite the fact they live hundreds of miles away and I was sat outside, on a public highway in the car.

Other things the ex has done, but I haven't mentioned:

-refuse to put children on a plane (domestic flight) to see us, as she doesn't trust them, but will leave them alone at home together all day when she goes out.

-lied to husband about and said their son has had doctors appointments he needed, but he hasn't

-smokes around DSS despite the fact he has severe asthma, then refused to stay in hospital with him when he is admitted, as she cannot smoke there.

-sent husband texts from DSD phone 'pretending' to be DSD.

-refused to attend DSS birthday party as I was going to be with husband, so I obviously said I wouldn't go, but she then went shopping with her partner anyway and didn't attend DSS's party.

-told the children they cannot see their dad at New year as she'll be lonely if she is on her own. (she does have family, but surely regardless that is not something to involve the children in, and certainly not to put a 'guilt trip' on them.

-asked husband for extra money for school trips, and upon being told we couldnt' afford it (we really couldn't) got DSS to ring and ask himself.

There are loads more that I can't think of right now.

would DSD come and live with you?

midouri - i get your meaning now, i just ment myself that shes over 16 , she can go get married ,she can drive a car , ect ,. (assuming your in uk ).
You obviously care a lot for your step-kids, i hope things get better soon x

Amazed that people are telling you to butt out and be detached! Anyone would worry about a 17 year old who is doing what she is doing, let alone one that is close to you. I'd say, thank god she had one caring, sensible adult available to her.

HelenRosie's story is inspiring but sadly, for every girl that does come out of this unscathed, I would wager there are many more who don't. Sounds like your DSD is crying out for love and attention. The things she is doing on the internet will be there for life, she will never be able to erase recordings that people will have copied and put up on other sites. Even if she gets the strength to find healthy relationships, she'll never be able to 100% leave her past behind because those films and images will live as long at the net does.

Your post does come across as very forgiving to your DH, he sounds very weak to not do more to protect his children.

I have had to intervene within my own family when dreadful parenting was going on and I know it's not easy, but it was worth it when I saw changes for the better. I would keep letting her know that you are there for her and look up suitable support services in her area and drop them to her by email so that hopefully she follows them up. Tell her she is lovely and lovable, and make sure your DH keeps telling her that, this is what she needs to hear until she can somehow believe it.

Do you think your DSD is witnessing the internet pornography stuff? - if he is then your DH really needs to act to get him out of there.

Sorry, meant DSS in last sentence...