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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be annoyed over DHs present buying

27 replies

Fibilou · 23/12/2009 23:15

DH has 2 siblings + their partners whom we have to buy presents. I am an only child and only buy for my parents.
His family decided that, as us and SIL are both expecting babies early 2010, we would limit spending to £15 each.

So far he has spent about £75 on his Mum, £50 on his Dad, which is fine (well it's not but I can put up with it).

But what has really pissed me off is that I have just discovered that he has gone out and spent an additional £15 on a book for his sister's husband - meaning that we have spent £30 on him. Which is more than we have spent on my Dad.

He is not here for me to have a go at so I need to release my irritation somewhere.

So far we have spent about £200 on his family and £75 on mine. I am not best pleased.

OP posts:
BristolBella · 23/12/2009 23:19

I don't really think it's about what you spend.

Original poster
Fibilou · 23/12/2009 23:19

Oh and I should add that DH has a very irritating habit of showing off that we are the best off of the children and I feel that he shoves it in his siblings' faces "oooh, look how clever I am, i can afford a better present than you". He is the eldest.
I know very well that the first thing SIL is going to say is "you didn't spend £15 did you" and then she will be embarassed because she will have kept to the limit.

OP posts:
famishedass · 23/12/2009 23:19

Don't confuse money with caring.

thisisyesterday · 23/12/2009 23:21

i would also be annoyed, no idea what you should do though

MsHighwater · 23/12/2009 23:23

Of course it's not about money but is it not a bit passive-aggressive to exceed a mutually agreed spending limit? If I had come to a similar agreement and stuck to it, I'd be annoyed if the other party overspent.

Original poster
Fibilou · 23/12/2009 23:24

"Don't confuse money with caring."

I don't - I was quite happy with keeping to £15 for my family as well. But I don't see why I should have to spend less on my family to try and save money when he is just going out and spending it on pointless presents to show off.

OP posts:
thisisyesterday · 23/12/2009 23:25

no of course it isn't only about what you spend. but if they've all agreed a £15 limit then they should stick to it.

the op may have had something she'd have really loved to get her dad for example, but didn't because she stuck to the limit.
but her dh has gone overboard.

not on imo

Tortington · 23/12/2009 23:29

his siblings will just think he is a twat. i think you might want to point this out to him.

i'm an only child, i don't get the sibling rivalry thing at all. Dh's Youngest brother is forever trying oneupmanship - dh just never rises to it.

in your situation, i would seriously just say 'no, you look like a twat'

Original poster
Fibilou · 23/12/2009 23:30

We decided to keep to a limit of £50 for each of my parents which still meant considerably less spend on my family than his. I don't object to him spending more on his parents (because there would be world war 3 if I did) but I do object to it being spent on his sister's husband

OP posts:
Original poster
Fibilou · 23/12/2009 23:32

I think that is what I'm going to do Custy. And he can take back the box of toileteries that we bought.

OP posts:
mazzystartled · 23/12/2009 23:34

It's really mean to his siblings to deliberately spend more.

do what custy said

Original poster
Fibilou · 23/12/2009 23:37

GGGGGGrrrrrr

We bought both our Dads fleeces. I bought the one for my Dad on special offer at £29.99. Have just discovered that the one DH bought his father was £65.

I am really fucked off now . Especially as he said "we don't need to buy anything else for your parents do we ? "

No, you just sit back and take advantage of everything they do for us, the no doubt expensive present they will have bought us while we bail your fucking family out financially again and you STILL feel they should get more spent on them at Christmas.

OP posts:
mazzystartled · 23/12/2009 23:46

swap the fleeces over

and i think you need to talk to your dh about all this background stuff - some other time though......

Original poster
Fibilou · 24/12/2009 00:00

His brother owes us £6k. He is supposed to be paying it back at £150 per month - but hasn't paid it for the last 5 months. Everyone excuses him "he's got money problems" - yeah well, we can't afford to bail him out so he can bloody well stop pissing money up the wall on his stupid car.

His parents have always had a higher income than my parents but are far worse off because they have no financial sense at all. Yet it always seems to be down to us to pay for stuff etc because DH wants to show off. my parents are very careful with money and now are very comfortable off because they did without when they were younger. ILs are always replacing stuff for no reason at all - they bought a new kettle last week for no reason then spent £50 on a new toaster because the old one didn't match the kettle. DH also has this "replacement" mentality and it drives me bananas.

Yes, his family and their attitude to money is something that really annoys me but obviously I never mention it (apart from his brother)

OP posts:
Original poster
Fibilou · 24/12/2009 00:02

Oh and I should also say that ILs always go on about how well off my parents are and how lucky they are (eg no mortgage, Dad retired, me sent to private school, 2 Mercedes, paid for our wedding etc) and I feel like screaming

"They are not fucking lucky, they did on a lower income than you!"

OP posts:
Original poster
Fibilou · 24/12/2009 00:03

Gosh I needed to let that out

OP posts:
Original poster
Fibilou · 24/12/2009 00:09

Oh and just to paint the final bit of the picture - we aren't buying each other presents in an attempt to save money. But clearly BIL can have whatever the F he feels like.

I should stop now

OP posts:
JacksmamaInAPearTree · 24/12/2009 00:14

No, go on - you obviously need to let it out. Things like this tend to fester. I think your DH is being a twat (sorry), and you need to point this out to him. Good luck.

ninedragons · 24/12/2009 00:14

I think you need to wait until after Christmas and tell your DH that you're going to have to stop subbing his family, that BIL is going to start repaying you or sell his car, and that he is going to take a serious crash course in budgeting.

It sounds like he has absolutely no idea about sticking to a budget. Perhaps take away his cards and let him shop only with cash to an agreed limit. Give him 5 x GBP20 notes to do the supermarket shopping, 1 x GBP20 note to buy a birthday present, etc, and let him learn how to work with that.

It sounds ridiculous, but I think some people genuinely have no concept that money is finite, and if you spend it on one thing, it's not available to be spent on another.

ThePinkOne · 24/12/2009 00:14

And breathe ....

mazzystartled · 24/12/2009 09:38

i think you should MAKE your DH do the martin lewis moneysaving expert budget spreadsheet thing. it is very sobering. there is Nowhere To Hide. Did the trick with my darling DH

msrisotto · 24/12/2009 09:43

Definitely agree with what ninedragons said here:
I think you need to wait until after Christmas and tell your DH that you're going to have to stop subbing his family, that BIL is going to start repaying you or sell his car, and that he is going to take a serious crash course in budgeting.

He does need telling that it isn't fair.

Intergalactic · 24/12/2009 09:47

I think it sounds like a much bigger issue than these particular presents! You need to make it a priority to work on after Christmas.

He will look like a twat having spent a fortune when a limit was agreed though. We have a £10 limit for my family and we have stuck to it since it was agreed (just about - spent £12.50 on someone this year!) but I would be embarassed and confused if someone spent loads more. I'm 26 and have 1 DC with another on the way... My aunt and uncle are in their late 40s, no kids, at the peak of their careers - obviously they have loads more money than us but I wouldn't expect them to spend more and would feel awkward if they did because that's what we've agreed.

CirrhosisByTheSea · 24/12/2009 10:35

Fibi no wonder his whole attitude annoys you. And his family's! I do think it's very naughty of him to go so much over the spending limit you'd all agreed though - he is not thinking of other people's feelings and how they will feel when their gifts to you are so much less.

Brunettelady · 24/12/2009 10:47

I can't believe he has spent so much on his family when you aren't even going to be getting anything. Particularly his sisters DH!! WTF! Is there anyway you can just take the book bake and just say that "no, we agreed £15 and thats that? Why don't you get ME a present with the £15?" I suppose it is a bit late now though.

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