To think my new partner should be invited to family do's?

[Badinfluence]

Hi, first timer here so be gentle!

Some background. I separated from my (now X) H four years ago (EA, mild compared to the other stories I've read on here but I'd reached the point of no return and decided I had to get out). We moved into separate houses three years ago, divorced this year. We do a 50/50 split with our DS and DD which is working very well, they are well-adjusted and very happy.

I met and started seeing my new DP just over three years ago. He is everything my XH wasn't, caring, considerate etc. I took it very slow though and he only met my children during the last year and still doesn't stay over at my house very often when they are here. We do plan a future together though, dream of buying a nice house together in the country one day!

My parents have met him and get on well, they can see how happy I am with him and that makes them happy. The problem is my brother. He's never seen why I left my XH, thinks I'm being stupid and cannot understand how I didn't just carry on putting up with it 'for the sake of the children'. Despite them not being close while I was married my B invites my XH to parties, Boxing Day dinner, his children's birthday's etc. At first I ignored it and thought he was taking some time to adjust but this year it's come to a head.

My B refused to come to my birthday dinner because he 'wasn't ready' to meet my DP. We had words about that. Then a few months later he invited my XH to a party at his house, we had another argument about that where he refused to see why I was upset. He also admitted he had no interest in ever meeting my DP and was going to continue to invite my XH because 'we've always invited him'.

He also has the cheek to complain to my Mum that I don't talk to him at family gatherings and I leave as soon as I can if he's there!!!

I have heard rumours that he's thinking of a NYE party, no doubt he will invite me but on the condition I come with only my DS/DD. I'm not prepared to dump my DP to spend NYE on his own so won't go, my children will miss out on the party though so AIBU?

Sorry it's so long!

YANBU - that seems a bit odd to me. Are your brother an X good friends?

your brothers being an immature prick

YANBU - your brother needs to grow up and move on.

Have your own parties and gatherings in your own home and invite who you want, drink what you want and eat what you want. I do. In fact, the only parties I ever go to are my own. Hell is someone else's party.

Why don't you just play it quiet, then if your brother offers an invitation to his party, turn up with your partner? You can always say, 'Oh, I assumed you meant the both of us when you invited me - after all, he is my long-term partner and you can't imagine I'd come without him!'

(PS - good luck honey!)

Wow, didn't expect replies so quickly!!

No plumm, they weren't particularly good friends before although they always got on well.

I'm LOL at immature prick, he's older than me.

Already planning a big party for a big milestone I'm hitting in a year or so. Wasn't going to have one originally but think I might just so I can invite exactly who I want!

does your brother fancy your ex?

Yes and no. Your brother is being bloody silly as far as I can see. If he wants to maintain contact with your ex thats his business but to do so on family occasions whilst not acknowledging your partner of three years is quite odd. As for not being ready to meet your DP... FFS! Your DP isn't an axe murderer, he's the man who is making you happy!

However, you can't decide who your brother does or doesn't associate with or who he invites to parties. He's a grown man, its his choice. By the same token its your choice who you invite to events you host and if he doesn't want to be there because your DP is, I'd say thats his loss. Personally I'd be inclined not to invite my brother to the next do if I were you, and if he complained I'd point out that "John" was attending so I had assumed that DB wouldn't want to come anyway.

In all, DB can do as he pleases, but that doesn't mean you have to pander to his strange ideas!

X-Post with Littlereddragon. My friend suggested that but can't really do that after the big row we had earlier in the year. He was so outspoken about not wanting to meet my DP that the innocent approach won't work. Would love to have the guts to do that though!

It makes me feel worse that my DP's family are so welcoming, his sister has even asked me to be a bridesmaid for her - what a contrast!

YANBU

What does your Mother think about all of this? Couldn't she speak to your brother about it?

Vallhala, I can see your point. The problem is that my B's attitude also puts my parents in an awkward position, they want to invite my DP to meals etc but are scared of doing so in case they end up falling out with my B. I would be quite happy not to see him again to be honest but it's hurting my parents to see us at loggerheads and I feel bad for them (they're stars, I wouldn't have got through my divorce without them).

X-post again. I can't keep up!

MillyR, my parents also had a huge row with him earlier in the year but he just dug his heels in and accused them of playing favourites! Mum is not in good health either so doesn't need the stress.

It's got feck all to do with your brother - your marriage (and divorce) your business.

Make it clear he's your partner and you expect him to be afforded the same respect as any other member of the human race as a minimum.

He's being an arse (your brother!)

Okay, my advice would be that in the long run, the family unit is you, DP and the DCs. You have to make arrangements that include all of you, and if people (including extended family) invite you to events where you cannot all attend, then you don't go and make other plans.

Your brother is just being silly. My DB left his wife when he met another woman. I kept in contact and supported his wife for a few months, but I always knew that as a a family we had to support my brother and his new girlfriend, even though my brother was in the wrong.

When a relationship ends, your family remains your family, and their loyalty should be with you and not your ex.

I think if your ex had any sense he wouldn't be turning up at events that your family were organising.

It's precisely because he's an arse that I'm not bothered for myself, it's my parents and my DC's (who don't see a lot of their cousins any more cos of this) that I worry about.

I tried the family loyalty thing with him but it cut no ice. Then after my birthday debacle he had the cheek to send me a card saying 'Dear Sister' on the front, it went straight into the recycling bin.

I've lost quite a few friends through this divorce so to also lose my family hurts quite a bit.

My ex likes turning up to these events, thinks it's great that I'm the one feeling like an outcast, adds to his delusion that he's the injured party and I just upped and left him for no good reason.

Thanks for everyone's replies.

It's Christmas eve!!

Only have to put up with my XH, B and SIL for couple of hours tomorrow morning, think the red wine will be opened quite early!!

Happy Christmas everyone!!!