OK, OK, I have too much time on my hands, but here you are. Consider it my Christmas present to you all.
(With apologies to Rudyard Kipling.)
IF you can keep your thread when all about you
Have trolls on theirs and blame it all on you,
If you can trust yourself in Greggs when others doubt you,
But make allowance for their frootshoots too;
If you can tell the kids that ?mummy?s working?,
Then shut the door, ignore their plaintive cries,
And quietly read a thread (some call it ?lurking?),
And yet dont spel two good, nor act too wise:
If you can type, especially when you?re plastered;
If you can rant but come across as sane*;
If you will not make emoticons your master
(But love the biscuit one all the same);
If you can bear bad punctuation and spacing
and mess up posting links and look a fool,
Or see the thread you started go unanswered,
Or worse, fill up with pedantry and scorn:
If you can flirt with Brooker and keep your virtue,
Or chat with Cam and love the oatcake touch,
If neither trolls nor regulars can hurt you,
Or even if they can, just not too much;
If you can fill a bored or idle minute
With sixty seconds' worth of bumsex fun,
Yours is the Web and everything that's in it,
And - which is more - you'll be a Mnetter, my son daughter!
*mostly