Not sure if I ABU or not, can you help please?

[dunnowhattothink]

Have namechanged because my mother knows my MN name, so don't want to put too many identifying details on here, but really need your opinions.

Split with my XP some time back. Have DC with my XP.
XP was abusive to me, and the split was not pleasant.

My mother never ever liked my XP, even before he showed signs of abuse.

When XP and I split, my mother was predictably ecstatic.

Now she would like me to have nothing more to do with him, but obviously we have DC, whom he sees when he can be arsed.

Over Christmas, XP is going to pick the DC up, and spend time with them. This is ok, until my mother said that if he was due to arrive when she is here mother drops in unexpectedly and XP can run late, she will make it blatantly obvious she doesn't like him, hates him in fact, and will leave without a word.

I asked her if she would consider being polite to XP in front of the DC, for the DC's sake if she were to 'bump' into him, and she said NO, since that would make her a hypocrite, and she doesn't feel she is capable of being polite to him.

Mother makes no secret of the fact that she can't stand him, and never has liked him, since before she met him, and I worry now the DC are getting older, what effect this will have on them, when they think the GP they love to bits hates the DF they love to bits.

AIBU to ask my friends and family to be polite to XP, just as I expect him to be polite to them on the rare occasions they should bump into each other?

of course they should be polite to him. it is none of their business and esp if you for the sake of your dcs want as minimal animosity as poss then you are right to expect others who love you to support you. YANBU.

YANBU they need to put aside their feelings for the sake of your DC's.

YANBU. She should be civil. She doesn't have to be 'nice' but neither should she deliberately make it obvious she doesn't like him.

YANBU she needs to grow up and be polite for the sake of the DCs

Of course she should be civil. I strongly dislike my sister's ex-P. I have no respect for him at all. But of course I'm polite to him when I need to speak to him. He makes my sister's life hard enough. I'm not going to do the same

YANBU. If she won't promise to behave herself and keep her mouth shut then tell her to not bother coming at all. She is supposed to be an adult and sometimes being an adult means smiling at people, even if you don't like them.

YANBU hearing negative things about their father could harm your DC self esteem. She needs to be civil.

Why should your mother be polite to the man who was abusive to her DD? In the very unlikely event that I ever come into contact with my SIL's vile XP I wouldn't acknowledge him.

yes everyone should remain polite in front of the DC

in fact friends of mine who are divorcing have been banned by the judge from making any derogatory comments about each other to their kids.

your mother needs to stay out of it.

sticktoyourgins - because the DD wants her mother to be civil - not gushingly nice - and if she herself is big enough to be polite after all he has put her through, for the sake of the kids, then her mother should respect and admire and support this selflessness in her DD

Thank you.

sticktoyourgins I am asking my mother to be polite to XP in front of my DC. To say 'Oh XP has just pulled up, I'm not staying here with that waste of space' then flounce off, or blatantly ignore his greeting in front of DC makes me wonder how this will effect my DC.

My XP has never been abusive to my mother, and I can manage to be civil to him for the sake of my DC, so why do others find this so difficult?

My mother would never be polite to my abusive XP.

He doesnt see DS so it doesnt really matter but could you explain to your mum, that really it would make your life easier if she could be polite, if not pleasant.

Cant really blame her tbh, if he arrives to pick them up whilst she's there could you ask her to sit in a different room until he leaves (presuming he's not going to be there long).

I agree PeedOffWithNits

I don't expect anyone to be nice to XP, or to befriend him, just if he says Hello, to reply.

My mother says she doesn't want XP to get the impression she likes him. I don't think there is any danger of that happening.

Yes she should be polite.

I can see her point though. If it was a bloke who had been horrible to my DD (currently aged 2) i would string him up by his testicles have trouble being polite.

But yes she should be, it is the best thing for her GCs, and you, and everyone.

sb6699 I can see what you are saying, but I just don't want my DC to go through their childhood believing that their DF is hated by their DGP.

I wonder what that must do to a child's head, to know that 2 of the people who love them to bits totally hate each other. I don't want my DC to be in the middle, or to feel like they can't tell their GP things they have done for their DF or with him.

When they are older, they can make their own minds up about their DF.

As for asking my mother to sit in another room, that would depend on what sort of mood she was in as to whether she would agree or not, but she usually storms out of my house. (The situation has only occurred twice in the last year)

dunno - your mother's instincts that your DP was a bad 'un were spot on. He abused you and now only sees his kids when - in your words - he can be "arsed". She is under no obligation to be civil to him. Kids are resilient and you don't need to over-protect them. If they ask why Granny doesn't like their dad you can explain that sometimes grown-ups don't like each other. They need to learn sometime. And one day you will have to tell them the reason for your split - that he was abusive to you. So there's no point in pretending everything is fine when one day they're going to know it isn't. YABU to expect your mum to be civil to the man who abused her DD.

sticktoyourgins You are right. My mother's instincts about my XP were spot on.

I guess I didn't listen to her in the first place because she has never liked any of her 4 son in laws. 3 of my sisters are still very happily married, but my mother still doesn't like them, so I took her dislike of my XP with a pinch of salt.

Come to think of it, she has never liked any of my partners.

I guess I will just have to accept that she is going to voice her opinion of my XP in front of my DC, and they will learn sooner rather than later what a terrible man he is.

It's good to hear other people's opinions.

Maybe there is no point in pretending everything is fine. I suppose the truth will out eventually anyway. I suppose I just feel uncomfortable about my mother saying my XP is a waste of space/twat/worthless/scumbag etc who she wishes would die because then I would have no need to have anything to do with him ever again, and she would love to knock him off the f-ing planet. All of this while my 2 DC are listening wide eyed, and at 2 and 4, I'm sure they know she is talking about their daddy.

I also don't feel comfortable when she refers to my DC as 'definitely XP's' when they are not on their best behaviour.

I am inclined to think that my feelings and how uncomfortable I feel are my problem though, and since I can't control what my mother says and my DC do adore my mother, I should just accept that my XP was an arse, and parents aren't always nice people, and maybe its not such a bad thing for my DC to learn the truth and realise that their daddy isn't such a nice person.

Sorry, had to post and run earlier. Funnily enough I do think that most mothers can smell a bad 'un a mile off.

Mine has liked very few of my boyfriends and admittedly most of them have been arses but loved my DH instantly (even if she is a stereotypical MIL sometimes).

Although its not nice, dc's can understand that sometimes adults just dont like each other the same way as children sometimes dont like other children.

I know having gone through my experience, if either of my DD's experienced the same thing I would want to rip their partner limb from limb, so please try to understand your mum is probably in her eyes only trying to protect you so you shouldnt really look at it as if she is deliberately being a PITA which is how it came across when I read the thread.