Should DH try harder with my Mum's partner?

[SueMunch]

This is a follow up to a recent post I made regarding my Mum's new partner who is very quiet.

In fact, to say he is quiet is an understatement. My father passed away over three years ago and whilst I am pleased that my Mum has met someone else, her new partner is painfully quiet.

My Mum has been with this man for over a year now and we thought his initial shyness would fade. But he is no better and members of the family are starting to feel that rather than being shy, his actually quite ignorant.

I seem to be the only person trying to involve him. My sister is pretty adamant that she has tried to talk to him and seems to have given up trying.

I am the older sister and feel somehow responsible for trying to make this man comfortable in our familiy. My DH says he has tried to talk to him but has got nowhere.

The issue has been raised again as I have suggested to my DH that he should ask my Mums partner along to the pub on Christmas Day. The thing is, he goes with his Dad and brother every Christmas Day - a sort of tradition - and meets up with a lot of his old school friends.

He is normally quiet laid back but my DH has flatly refused to ask my Mums partner, saying that he is so quiet that he would feel uncomfortable and obliged to stay with him rather than have fun with his friends. He says he has tried to talk to him but only gets "two word answers". He also said "he's not my project and he shouldn't be your either!"

Am I out of order here. I don't think it's wrong of me to think he would support me in this - it's only a matter of popping to the pub.

It's only 'popping out to the pub' - but it's his tradition. I don't think you're being unreasonable, but I don't think you can force your DH to do this either. You're asking him to change his once-a-year meeting with people he presumably doesn't get to see all together very often. Why should he have to do that when it's you who's worried?

I actually think YAB a bit U. Why do you think this shy, retiring man would enjoy a raucous trip to the pub with your DH and a bunch of people he doesn't know. I agree with your DH - he wants to get caught up with old friends and family, not make small talk with your mum's partner.

I don't think it's anyone's job to make him come out of his shell. If he's a quiet person, then he's a quiet person and if everyone is nice to him and he's included generally, then I don't see what else is to be done.

Perhaps you can arrange a drink or a meal out with him, your mum, you and your DH and your other siblings at some point between Xmas and New Year.

Don't ask your dh to do it.
Is your mums partner upset in any way by the way in which you , your dh and your sisters treat him. I suspect not. He may just be very very quiet.
Ask your mum what she thinks ?
Our family party. Lots of us, all very social, and laughing. my niece has a boyfriend of over a year. same as you. 2 word answers. said to dh that i never bothered this year. was pleasant but didn't make that much of an effort. dh said he did the same.
apparently my sil said that nieces bf had a nice time.

just because i am very social and could be upset. he is obviously not. i suspect your mums partner may be the same.

Never underestimate the sterling qualities of quiet people and if your mum is happy with her new partner then that is all that matters. Please don't force an accompanied outing to the pub on either your dh or your mum's partner.

I think you should leave it - your DH has tried, it's not reciprocated and there's no reason to believe it will be any different in a pub on Christmas Day. In fact it could well be worse. It's your mother's problem, not yours or your DH's problem.

I agree,leave it.It´s something your husband does so I think it´s up to him tbh.

And he might not want to go.

My father never went to the pub Christmas Day, nor my FIL or husband.

It´s not what they do.