to think it'd be much nicer to EXCHANGE presents?

[Pikelit]

I have a friend (same one who has a punctuality disorder!) who I always give Christmas presents to. She does similarly but simply will not give me any notice before turning up, unannounced, in the days before Christmas, bearing her gifts. If I am out, which is likely, she either tries to get in through the back door or leaves me a somewhat disappointed sounding little note. Which expresses sadness about the back door being impenetrable as well as me not being around.

It sounds so bloody ungrateful to complain about her methods but actually I'd like to exchange presents with her. Not open them but certainly enjoy a cup of tea and a mince pie as part of the handover. She's on holiday in the days before Christmas and could so easily just text/email me beforehand.

Having been driven potty by this habit, over the last 5 or so years I've taken to saying, lightly "If only I'd known you were coming over, we could have made sure to be around." but I can see that the message just goes in one ear and out the other. What, other than get ever more irritated, can you do? Only there's so much emotional capital attached to present giving that you really don't want to be brutal!

She's never been prepared to change traditions that she's set for herself, regardless of how inconvenient they are to everyone else and I honestly wonder if there is something to her behaviour that goes beyond a sensible fondness for routine.

Why don't you just take the initiative and book it into her diary.

Just say, right, what afternoons/evenings can you do before Christmas, lets book it in and have a drink and a mince pie.

She sounds like anything vague will go in one ear and out the other!

That's a very good idea, notwaving. Unfortunately, she saw it coming when I tried a couple of years back and went all "not sure yet" on me. Then fetched up the very next day bearing gifts and the disappointed note!

She does this whole round of unannounced present delivery which has (sadly) got smaller over the years as friends have moved and not kept in touch and it is as if she cannot contemplate a different way.

Definately go down the "irritated" route then

I was going to suggest the same as notwaving. However given that you have tried to change to way she does this with no result I think what I would be inclined to just accept that this is the way she is. don't take to heart the dissappointed notes. just do as you have been doing and respond with 'a shame you didn't tell us you were coming as we would have liked to see you - how about you come over tomorrow instead?' and then forget about it.

nothing you can do to change the way she does this if you have tried the things you have already with no luck. so best thing I think is to accept her for who she is but not let it upset you iyswim.

We used to have a distent relative who only ever visited the Sunday before Christmas, without fail, and without ringing first. So for over 20 years my Grandparents made sure they were in then, and there would be much debate about whether she would arrive or not - of course she always did. no one ever arranged anything, but it worked.

Could you adapt her routine or is it the randomness that works for her? Or, perhaps you could pop round and leave a note if she isnt in, listing a few options for her.

Why dont you pop round to hers instead thus beating her to it?

why not call her the day beofre you want her to come, and say "can i come up/you coem down tomorrow?" surely she can't say she's not sure about the next day, that should guarantee you get to see her?

Pikelit - when you say "punctuality disorder, I assume you mean she's always late ?

Sounds like she hates to be tied down to plans - maybe it makes her feel anxious, because she's not at liberty to change her mind - bit of a control freaky thing ?

Sounds to me like a foible of hers that you just have to accept, if the rest is worth it.

Not saying it's not annoying though ...

You don't have to read the note..

If you are out, does she leave the presents on the doorstep?

"Pikelit - when you say "punctuality disorder, I assume you mean she's always late ?"

No, she's the opposite! Always early and has great difficulty understanding that this may not always be convenient.

She has, in previous years when we had a less reliable back door, come into the kitchen and left the presents along with the slightly disappointed note. Otherwise it is just the note. Which I am sorry to say we laugh about.

I have tried to forestall her and gone round with our presents but despite advance notice (her house is thoroughly inaccessible in her absence) all we've achieved is a pleasant cup of tea and chinwag since our presents "aren't ready". Despite me knowing they've been bought and wrapped back in October.

I hate to sound so ungrateful too but this has been going on for nearly 15 years and has now become annoyingly out of proportion I expect.

Oooh - well I guess that could be anxiety-related as well. Maybe it is a big effort for her to socialise and once she's got herself prepared she needs to get where she's going - or she's excessively worried about being late. Does she seem anxious in other ways ?

Anyhoo, just overanalysing in an attempt to understand her motives. Not sure what you can do about it.