To be a little dissapointed in my mother?

[threetimemummy]

Once again I feel like my family and children come second. Just came off skype to her and she has not sent the kids any presents for Christmas.

She says she is not used to sending stuff over. Yeah totally understand that as she completey missed my birthday not even a card, but at least I got a phone call, DS2's birthday was missed, she did send a card but it was at least two months late and sent one for DS1 at the same time to say hope his arm gets better - the cast had been on for 6 weeks and he was getting it ff the day the card arrived!

DS1 she remembered a card and present!! Woohoo!! Ds1 (the only one who remembers her!!) was very excited.

She completely missed DH birthday. No card, text, phone call, email, nothing And still hasnt mentioned it to this day.

Somehow, i thought Xmas might be different. She requested site she could visit to order online. She emailed me her two suggestions. I said they were FAB the boys would love them etc. We based other peoples requests around what she had bought.

Now she says hasnt sent it and in fact hasnt even ordered it. Her excuses were many 1) not enough time and 2) She doesnt have the money on the credit card and 3) she isnt used to ordering online.

Fine. I understand if money was tight. A card would have been fine Their eyes light up getting a letter addressed to them. The actual THING doesnt matter it is the thought!

As for not used to ordering, well I sent her the sites!! Choose, checkout, done!! She is NOT dumb and it really isnt that hard to do.

As for not having time, well, and the $$ ting as well for that matter, What would she have done if we were still living in the same city as her? Just not got them anything then either as se didnt have time? I can guarantee you that wouldnt have happenend. I can also guarantee that my gorgeous nephew and neice will have a hundred gifts from her under the Christmas tree on Christmas day.
( i love my dns to bits btw, and would love to be there to see the joy on their faces when they open their gifts!! I love them to bits...which is why i sent them pressies at the start of December!!)

This is just the last in a long line of favouritism by my mother. I shouldnt really be surprised, but I have to admit to still being a little hurt that we dont seem to matter.

This is the first Xmas away from my family and i am missing them terribly but I thought that we would still get to be part of it. Obviously not.

YANBU.
As you say a card would have done.

It hurts when your family are shite.

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. She got your hopes up by asking about presents and even gave you suggestions of what she was thinking of sending - things which you said would be perfect.

The excuses are rubbish. Even if she didn't have time to shop, she could have paypalled you the money from her account.

And it's really not about the money spent of the stuff given, it's about thinking of her family and being bothered to send cards on time.

All the other stuff about her forgetfulness is pretty hurtful too, especially if she doesn't 'forget' her other grandchildren.

Can you tell her how it has made you feel? And how happy the children would have been with a nice card and a message from their gran?

YANBU

I would tell her.

YANBU. It would seem that your mother is very much, "out of sight, out of mind" sort of person. Which is bad enough if it's just an acquaintaince she was forgetting, but for her DD and DGC it is really, really pants.

I'd be disappointed too, in your shoes.

Thanks guys. I just feel like crying (preg and hormonal!!) so wasnt sure if I was BU.

This is the woman that gave my DS1 a table rom IKEA for his birthday. Still in the obx and DH and I took it home and ut it up for him the next day. Three months later on Christmas, DN gets the same thing...only it is set up fitted out in soft leather for the seats and has a beautiful protector cover over it???

Dh moved to the UK b4 me, fourvery hard and very stressful long months (his father passed away) and she came over ONCE for a few hours to my house, yet went every single week to my sisters who lives only a few minutes away then had the nerve to say oh you cope so much better when you are on medication (went on AD's due to stress).. well, yes, cause I have no friggin support it shouldnt have gotten to that state!!

My dear neice is a beautiful child and sits quietly etc. When we found out that sis was having a boy next,, I joking said, imagine if he turns out like DS1 (who is VERY active and a polar opposite!! And this is what I meant...) and she said..to MY FACE...why would you wish that on anyone???

She booked flights over here without aking if it suited us and then got the shits when we said no actually I am not due until blah date and this actually dosnt suit us, and due to the hours Dh works we want time to settle in as a amily first b4 having anyone stay here especially for a month, and could she possibly alter the dates? and she got all shitty and accused me of being selfish and told me she had other pressures in her life and it wasnt all about me? Um, I am the one having the baby? So no, normally it isnt but in this case it kinda was!!

She even threatened to report me to the equivalent f ss as she thought it was wrong to have a can of food in the fridge still in the can rather than in a container, there was one thing we forgot aobut in the dishwasher which we never used and a visitor put it in there and there was a few loads of washing to be done..this was after I ad just walked in the door from the hospital where DS2 had been on oxygen in an isolation ward from being so sick for the past 48 hours and even though the 48 before that i had not been able to do anything as DS2 had been sick b4 we took him to the hospital!!!

She even had a blazing row with my Dh the night he got aphone call to say his Dad was dying. He the booked tickets oer here, and called the family to say goodbye, sorry he couldnt do it in person etc, and she said he was selfish for leaving me rah rah rah and then the whole time he was away was going on about how he abandoned me?? Umm, hs dad died????

ANyway, I could go on, but wont!! Sorry about the rant!!

I wish there was something I could do to help you - I don't blame you at all for being upset by any of this. I hope that it doesn't spoil your Christmas for you.

yanbu sad for the kids.

She sounds rubbish. I can never understand when people treat different DCs/DGCs so differently.

I'd be tempted to just cut off contact with her. She's no help to you (the opposite in fact), and treats you appallingly. Can't believe some of the things she's done. What a mental.

YANBU. Maybe after Christmas you should calmly tell her how she is making you feel, she won't like it but I think she needs to have it spelt out to her that she is being very thoughtless.

Try and push it out of your mind over the next few days, and if I was you I would leave the calling her to wish a Merry Christmas until later on in the day and let her stew a bit - but then Im a bit mean like that...

Echoing bearcrumble, here. Cut her out of your life now. Don't tell her, don't start up any (more) drama...just consider her gone.

She's toxic. Your kids shouldn't be exposed to her. Neither should you.

Sorry you have to deal with this.

YANBU. She sounds horrible! I would just get on with your own life with your DH and DCs and leave her out

threetimemummy - you are not alone!
Consider these fine words of wisdom from my own toxic as hell dear mother when I asked her why I had to do all the running and she never contacted / phoned me "I don't like to ring you in case you're not in." Wise words indeed, you old bag sweet old lady. (Sorry if that seems a bit strong - have ishoos!)

She sounds as crap as my mum.

Sorry. Just try to get on with your life without expecting/needing anything from her. Easier said than done (I know), But you are going to have to acept that somtimes people are not what they are suposed to be iynwim.

I give you this good advise as somone who really should take it herself lol!

I also think you have to let yourself grieve,
I know I feel a kind of loss. Like I've lost somthing other women have, a mother/daughter relationship, only you cant lose somthing you never really had can you?
I think that when you are young(er), you dont examin the relationships you have with people in your family, only when you are older can you notice if things are not 'right'. I know it can hit you like a punch in the gut.

Anyway you sound like you have a lovley little family of your own. I hope you manage to have a merry Christmas tomorrow, and a posative new year.