To not want to go to ILs (sorry another Xmas rant!)

[mylifemykids]

MIL seems to have it in her head that all her children should take it in turns to have her and FIL over for Xmas dinner. Apparently it was our 'turn' this year but I purposely didn't ask them because I refuse to be dictated to. Also, I gave birth to a stillborn baby girl in the summer and I want to be out of the house Christmas day so that my mind is occupied. We are therefore going to my parents for dinner.

We've now been invited to MIL's for Christmas tea. I DO NOT want to go. When I lost my daughter they didn't ask to see her, didn't come to the funeral and haven't mentioned her since . None of DH's brothers or sisters ever know what to say to me, never mention DD and one of them wont even talk to us anymore. I don't want to sit at MIL's with them all pretending everything's ok when it really isn't, but I also don't want to stop her seeing her grandchildren on Christmas day.

DH thinks I'm being silly and should just go. Should I just swallow my pride and forget how crap they've been or should I stand up for myself and refuse to go??

Very sad to hear about the loss of your DD.

I can understand how you're angry at them for not supporting you during the grief in the summer. Also, I can understand why you'd not want to be with them pretending everything is okay this Christmas.

Maybe you could build up to seeing them next Christmas, when the bad feelings aren't so raw, and hopefully by which time they will have become more sensitive to your needs and your hurts.

How does your DH feel at the minute about it all?

Sorry to hear about your DD.

How far away are your PIL from your parents? Do your parents have Christmas dinner at lunchtime or in the evening which would clash with tea? Perhaps you could send your DH over with the kids for a couple of hours while you stay at your parents' house. It would be nice for both grandparents and grandchildren to see each other on the day if possible.

They do sound a bit emotionally stunted tbh, but they may be of the generation which doesn't talk about things like miscarriage and stillbirth. You probably have to accept that they will never show sympathy and look to others for the support that you deserve. You can't change them but you can try to stop being angry with them that they are not the people that you would like them to be. (That sounds awfully mature coming from someone who is about to murder her mil. If only it was as easy to put into practice as it is to type it. )

So sorry about the loss of your baby.

I can totally understand your anger at them. Maybe it is best to get this first Christmas out of the way by doing whatever it takes to get you through it and then re evalutaing next year.

Tbh, I can't imagine how awful it would feel to be around people who left you unsupported at the most devistating time when Christmas is bound to bring up more emotions anyway.

You need to look after yourself and do whatever you can to get through it and not worry about other peopel right now.

I agree with lala.

YANBU and I am so sorry for the loss of your daughter.

Get this christmas out of the way, do whatever it takes to get you through this year. Then sort out the family issues in the new year, have an argument, tell them the truth, and then hopefully you will all be in a position to reassess for next year.

Your children will not be scarred for life by not seeing MIL for one year.

or lola!

Thanks for the replies. Bran, my parents are having dinner at 1pm and then we're supposed to be at MIL's for 4ish. I was thinking of just coming home and sending DH off with the kids to his mums but didn't want to be on my own. Maybe I will stay at my parents for the afternoon (DH will have to drive then and I can get pissed and have emotional meltdown lol)

So sorry for the loss of your child.

I think, this year, it has to be what you want. You have enough to cope with without worrying about everyone else's feelings. It's entirely reasonable for you to want the support of your family around you and to not want to be alone, and, certainly, expecting you to host Christmas Day this year was utterly unrealistic.

Agree that your MIL may well be of a generation where stillbirth wasn't talked about, but that doesn't mean your feelings aren't worthy of respect. You're doing well, imo, to be holding it together enough to even be thinking about Christmas.

Would it be possible for your DH to take the kids to his mum's for an hour in the morning, so that they see his family. You could use the time to take a nice bath, have a think for a while and get yourself together for the rest of the day.

Stay with your parents and send DH with the kids. You shouldn't be made to feel worse than you already do.
Sorry to hear about your baby

second the suggestion of DH taking the dc to MIL in the morning - then you can just enjoy the rest of Christmas day

I am so sorry for the loss of your DD. I understand as also sadly lost 2 DDs and MIL really wound me up/upset me by never asking how I was and just acting as normal or saying awful things. The first Xmas after each loss was awfully awfully hard, no way could I have spent it with ILs. You're in enough pain, do whatever is easier for YOU, forget other people till you feel up to it. Your DH could be more supportive, maybe if you explained your feelings. I hope Xmas is as gentle as possible for you.

Stay at your Mums.

And your husband thinks you are "being silly"?

I am that they didn´t go to the funeral.

Not saying I bear a grudge, but don´t think I would ever get over that.

When one of mine was born early MIL was "afraid of what it might look like"

So sorry for your loss mylifewithkids.

Could your dh sort out xmas with his parents whilst you stay at your parents?

Yes,I´m going to go with Stewie.

Or, if she´s desperate to see the children Christmas Day perhaps she can pop round before you go out.

She didn´t support you or her son at a terrible time.

You don´t feel up to seeing them-that´s it!

Do what your comfortable with.

My mother and MIL shared a birthday, after my mother died my MIL insisted on coming to visit for her birthday. I felt as if I should be strong enough, and also that it was selfish to say no as it was 'her' birthday too. How wrong I was, I felt awful. DD said Happy Birthday Granny and I spent two hours sobbing upstairs! She insisted, and still does insist, on visiting every year and I should have said no.

You know what your ready for and what you can cope with, stick with that as your right, and your the only one who knows what you can handle.

YANBU to do whatever makes you as a family most comfortable - your dh will be grieving too I guess so I do think you need to talk this through with him (without him calling you silly ).

I can understand why your in-laws actions regarding the loss of your daughter cut you to the quick . But unless you or your husband can talk this through with her (one day, not now) then I think you should be wary of judging her too harshly. Things like miscarriage/stillbirth were just not discussed - it could be that your tragedy brought back bad memories for them and they were just unable to cope (this happened in our family a couple of years ago).