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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think that my 16m DS should not need BF every 20 mins?!

16 replies

bintofbohemia · 22/12/2009 10:10

What's going on with him at the moment? He's not particularly ill, bit snotty maybe but he is whinging and mithering me all the time to be fed and to be honest, it's really doing my head in. For one thing, our boiler's knackered and we have no heating today, so I don't really want to be getting them out all the time. And to be honest, I feel a bit resentful at how much in demand they still are after 16 months - does that make me terribly selfish?

OP posts:

thatsnotmymonster · 22/12/2009 10:13

It's comfort, particularly if he's unwell. TBH I couldn't deal with it but it depends how much of a softy you are

Think I would just say a firm 'No' and limit it to only certain times of the day!!

How long were you planning on BF for? If it wasn't going to be much longer maybe you should consider weaning him off?

piscesmoon · 22/12/2009 10:13

I wouldn't do it. Give him a drink and snack and cuddle up and read stories - it is probably the cuddle and closeness he wants. I would get him used to the pleasure of books and let him find out that it is much more interesting. At 16 months I would have wanted my body back! Bf when you want to bf-it is quite different from the needs of a baby.

Original poster

bintofbohemia · 22/12/2009 10:18

I am a ridiculous softy, but everyone has their limits and mine are getting near! I've half killed myself demand feeding him all his life and I can't believe I'm still doing it! I'm quite happy to feed him a couple of times a day for as long as he wants...within reason. But not more.

DS1 weaned himself off at 12 months and I was hoping DS2 would last a bit longer than that, but in reality I'm starting to find it a bit of a bind.

OP posts:

StealthPolarBear · 22/12/2009 10:19

how long has this been going on for?

Original poster

bintofbohemia · 22/12/2009 10:22

Sometimes I'm glad we're still going, like when he's ill, or just before bedtime, but I'm noticing I'm starting to feel more rsetricted by it. I did consider stopping completely the other week (after a bad night) but I think I would struggle as I'd feel I'm witholding comfort, IYSWIM?

OP posts:

Original poster

bintofbohemia · 22/12/2009 10:24

The last couple of days he's been really pestering me.

I'm wondering if I need to really think about packing it in, but there's something holding me back and I think I need to work it out...

OP posts:

Lulumama · 22/12/2009 10:25

no, you're not selfish, extended BF only works if both parties want it to go on. there hav ebeen some good threads over the last few months about ways to reduce the amound of breastfeeds and encourage the toddler to find other ways of comfort/soothing etc.. might be worth searching the archives. you don;t need to stop all together, but you can start to limit how much he feeds .

every 20 minutes is more than a new born !

is it a quick suck and then off to play? or a proper feed? would he be distracted with a beaker and a cuddle and then you can encourage him to to play with something?

Original poster

bintofbohemia · 22/12/2009 10:27

Sorry, thinking aloud here...) We are still dependant on it to get him to sleep at night, which isn't ideal, I know, but I don't have so much of a problem with that. (Although it would be nice to feel that once in a while I could be somewhere else and it not have to be me who puts him down in the evening.)

It all boils down to this bloody guilt thing, doesn't it?

OP posts:

violethill · 22/12/2009 10:28

Well to answer your question, he clearly doesn't need it at this stage. I am all for extended bf, but it has to be enjoyable not a chore, and frankly it's clear that this is restricting your life enormously and not giving you much pleasure right now.

I would offer a drink and also encourage him to accept other forms of comfort (which also has the advantage that his dad can comfort him too). Every 20 minutes must be stopping you getting on with your life. You can continue bf at bedtime, or whatever, but a 16 month old doesn't need it all day, and it won't do any harm whatsoever to teach him that it's something for particular times/places and that he can be comforted in many other ways if necessary.

LeoniedElf · 22/12/2009 10:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

StealthPolarBear · 22/12/2009 10:31

Agree with everyone else that IMO you should only ebf if it works for both of you, but if it's only been going on for a day or so, could it be that he's coming down with a cold? or teething? I know that when DS is extra clingy / demands more feeds we tend to find he has a cold the next day, and so realise he probably had a sore throat. He never shows other signs of being ill!

porcamiseria · 22/12/2009 11:29

Hmm, I think you have gone over the call of duty here! at 16 months its comfort not food. I think you know that too! It does not sound like he has any inclination to wean himself off either, so the ball is in your court if you decide tough love, or if you can accept to be BF indefinately!!!!

StealthPolarBear · 22/12/2009 11:38

that';s a bit harsh! plenty of people extended bf on terms that suit both, it doesn't have to be this (which i agree can't go on much longer) or weaning!
oh & btw, is a glass of cows' milk just comfort as well, or does that have calories, fat and vitamins?

ginormoboobs · 22/12/2009 11:39

Could it be his last set of molars coming in?
My children always turned into velcro baby when they were getting molars in.

ginormoboobs · 22/12/2009 11:44

He may just be coming down with a cold and have a tickly throat. It feels nice to have a little drink when your throat is tickly.
Could you feeze some BM in a lolly mould or an ice cube tray and see if he would take that instead. Mine loved BM lollies. You could just make them from juice if you CBA expressing.

LastOfTheMulledWine · 22/12/2009 11:47

Oh it's tough. I'm still bfing my 2.7yr old and at that age, if she was poorly or teething or it was cold or if I sat still for too long, it was constant pawing and requests and whines for milk.

I had the same indecision you do. She still fed to sleep every night and only settled for me through the night. She was also feeding a lot in the night, sometimes nearly all night it felt like. In my indecision and the swathes of guilt for even considering stopping or not demand feeding anymore, I did nothing and it started to get better.

I couldn't do 'never offer, never refuse' because of the constant requests so it would have meant more and more feeds not fewer and fewer. As she got older and her comprehension increased, I found I was happy to say 'later' or 'at bedtime' and know that she understood that it wasn't blanket refusal. And she was happy with that too. I also started to warm cow's milk for her in the day which was more acceptable to her as an alternative.

I had to encourage getting it down to morning and evenings only but explained it as we went along, relented if she was ill or teething as I believed the comfort immeasurable and slowly over months not weeks we got to where we are now. She no longer feeds to sleep and she has no milk in the night or during the day. I did it gently and slowly.

I remember vividly the feeling of being so touched out that I didn't want a soul breathing near me. It's suffocating at times but there are gentle measures you can take and it does pass.

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