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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

in thinking that this is an innappropriate gift...

30 replies

fattybumbum · 21/12/2009 21:55

..for a newborn? DS2 was born on the 29th Sept. My FIL was informed (he is divorced from my MIL and remarried with a daughter) and said he would come up to visit that weekend. He cancelled saying he had a cold and would come up after. ANYWAY, he turns up last weekend (with xmas presents so that he could conveniently drop them off too) and hands me a second hand adidas tracksuit out of the chrity shop his wife volunteers in. They are not poor (his daughter was at private school and they have several holidays a year).

The tracksuit was totally chavtastic and they didn't even send a card. (WE are elderly alternative types so more inclined towards black babygros etc - which they should know). His wife (whom my husband has known as family since he was 11) didn't come as she was 'tidying the house'. DH is very pissed off. I am too. He has a crap relationship with his dad anyway and I think he is coming close to the end of the line. His father seems to constantly dismiss his feelings and belittle him at every turn (including a quite negative speech about DH at our wedding). AIBU to think that he is no kind of grandfather at all? BTW we only see them 1/2 times a year and no phone calls in between. Our older son doesn't really know who they are and they have only met DH's half sister once.

OP posts:
Original poster
fattybumbum · 21/12/2009 21:56

BTW our sons are the only grandchildren. Also I ought to add that DH has felt very let down by his father for years and I think would really like his dad to act approvingly of him.

OP posts:
Wineonafridaynight · 21/12/2009 21:57

No YANBU! He sounds like he is being a nightmare! This will sounds like a silly question but is he totally sane or is he under a lot of pressure or something?! It just all sounds like very odd behaviour! Is your DH close to his father?

Mongolia · 21/12/2009 21:59

Bin the track suit, forget about it. He won't be back in another 6 months so it is not worth it you spend your precious time thinking about him.

Wineonafridaynight · 21/12/2009 21:59

Crossed post there. Doesn't sound as though they are close then.

Don't really know what to say other than YANBU. It sounds as though he is not making an effort on purpose if you see what I mean. I would be tempted to either tell him or pretty much cut ties.

Original poster
fattybumbum · 21/12/2009 22:00

DH not close at all to his father but would like to be. Sometimes I wonder if FIL has Asperger's or something as he is so lacking in civilty/social politeness mind you his wife certainly is fine to talk to etc so even if he thought that a second hand tracksuit was appropriate as a gift, I think she should have set him right and got a card. The tracksuit came from her so she definitely knew about it.

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Original poster
fattybumbum · 21/12/2009 22:01

I think it is going towards cutting him off as we are becoming increasingly angry with him. DH's sister is trying to keep the peace though and sends FIL photos of the kids etc.

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Mongolia · 21/12/2009 22:04

And keep in mind that it may be that his wife saw the track and thought "Oh, this may fit DGS, will get it" and then passed on to her husband who made a huge fuss of it with made the clothes more innapropiate.

I'm saying this because I handed some clothes my DS had outgrown to my darling BF who has a child a few years younger than mine, thinking that it would be good for him to keep them at home in case he needed some second sets of clothes during contact visits. All of it a very informal affair.

Then he said he would like us to go to his exwife and present her the clothes (I was totally HORRIFIED!!!, that would have offended her big time). Actually, I would have been horrified if he had passed the hand me downs to her on his own as well, no matter how nearly new the clothes were.

nannynobnobs · 21/12/2009 22:06

Was it the first time he'd met your new DS? To drop off a tracksuit as a suitable present for a tiny infant is very odd indeed.
I agree that life is too short. If you only see them twice a year at most just sweep them from your mind. DH needs to get past seeking approval or he is just going to keep being disappointed.

Original poster
fattybumbum · 21/12/2009 22:06

I think men are more socially stupid than women a lot of the time.

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Original poster
fattybumbum · 21/12/2009 22:07

Nanny, it was the first time he had seen his second grandchild. I am sad that they didn't even give us a card when he was born.

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Naetha · 21/12/2009 22:08

Sounds like my FIL tbh. Despite living 10 miles away, having a car and no job, has only manages tto visit dh/ds twice in the last 6 months, and one of those times was to pick up a dvd he wanted to borrow.

The other time was when dd was born - he made a big deal of getting ds a present. It was an obviously second hand teddy bear that reeked of cigarettes.

We were going to cut him off, but tbh he's doing a perfectly good job of it himself.

Nothing like having kids to put your own parents in perspective.

Original poster
fattybumbum · 21/12/2009 22:10

I agree. FIL fucked it up with DH and now he is going the same way with his grandsons. Obviously learnt nothing!

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hf128219 · 21/12/2009 22:11

Chavtastic? You sound rather snobby? Is that it perchance? A little jealous?

Original poster
fattybumbum · 21/12/2009 22:13

No, more of a style comment. I am not a snob but would not dress my kids in shell suits etc as I think they look ming. Not sure what I am meant to be jealous of?

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hf128219 · 21/12/2009 22:17

Jealous that his wife works in a Charity shop, daughter goes to private school and they have several holidays a year?

Anyway trackies are always in fashion. I had a cashmere one made by hand by Prada for my dd. She loves it.

Original poster
fattybumbum · 21/12/2009 22:19

Haha. No not jealous! If you knew us, you'd know we were not trackie types not even hand made Prada ones! Just expected an appropriate gift/card/celebratory attitude. BTW I am not anti charity clothes in general by any means.

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hf128219 · 21/12/2009 22:22

Why are Trackies not an appropriate present?

Original poster
fattybumbum · 21/12/2009 22:25

Second hand bally ones are not. Secondly, if they bothered to THINK for one moment then they would know that we don't dress our kids like that. Thirdly, I think it is not hard to act even slightly as if the birth of our son is a GOOD THING eg cards/small bunch of flowers whatever. Even people we know far less intimately sent a card and small gift.

OP posts:
jasper · 21/12/2009 22:28

It's not second hand, it's vintage.

Your fil has dementia.

pick one

Original poster
fattybumbum · 21/12/2009 22:32

I think he is an insensitive arse who thinks that everything DH does is crap. He is an egotist who I think is trying to emasculate his only son as a way of still feeling young and hip. His wife his ten years younger than him and up until recently, he ahd a ponytail. DH has a heart of gold and very bad self esteem issues. Not hard to see why.

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Mongolia · 21/12/2009 22:33

vintage? like the 118s?

Original poster
fattybumbum · 21/12/2009 22:34

Mongolia - that is what it looks like!

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Mongolia · 21/12/2009 22:37

I think you should try to laugh about it. I'm sure your FIL is happily at home unaware of how much this has upset you.

What else can you do, send it to the charity shop it came from?? NO, DON"T DO THAT PLEASE

ImSoNotTelling · 21/12/2009 22:38

A tracksuit for a newborn is a bit odd isn't it?

Or am I missing something?

Mongolia · 21/12/2009 22:41

We still remember the day DS, being 6m old, got his first present from my SIL... she tried so hard, she wrapped it into several boxes, she really didn't make an effort and let the world know about it.

And what was it? a large wooden pestle (no bowl). She said DS would love it as he loved to hammer things down, then she started screaming "stop him! STOP HIM!!!" when he decided to try it in her lovely parquet floor