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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel a little sad on behalf of my LO?

19 replies

confuddledDOTcom · 21/12/2009 14:52

I know she doesn't notice but I can't help feeling a little sad for her anyway.

At parents open day we were told that she is friends with everyone, they were really surprised that I said every conversation about nursery starts with "Me and [one of the girls in her class]" I was expecting them to say this little girl and she were inseperable but they said she loves all the other children, she plays with boys and girls the same and all the children love her too. After their lunch they open the door between the two rooms (pre-school - her class - and toddlers) so that the teachers can take it in turns to eat and watch each others children, during that time she goes into the next room and plays with the younger children just as well as those her own age.

I was nearly in tears at the parents day to hear such wonderful reports about my child!

Anyway, for the last few weeks there has been a Christmas card list on the class door and my daughter has written all her own cards to everyone in the class. As we were going through the list she's been asking me if different names were on there because she didn't want to miss any out - I think I could have done it without the list! She's had 3 cards, two are names I don't recognise so I think they're not from her class. I've noticed before that there have been birthday parties that each pigeon hole has had an invite for except my daughter. I've noticed as well that all the parents talk to each other but the most I get is a smile and nod as they walk past - I'm not unfriendly, I've tried to speak with people and I go to the parents group and try to interact with them there. I don't mind TBH, they don't have to be friends with me. I don't expect my daughter to get Christmas cards or party invites but it seems sad that when she's friends and liked by all the children that she gets left out, it seems like it's the cliquiness of the parents that's leaving her out rather than for her and that's why it feels so sad. I don't care which parents I like or don't like, my daughter's friends are her friends, nothing to do with me she can send cards and invite to her party if that's what she wants.

I know she doesn't notice, but I notice that me being outside the clique seems to be stopping her being involved and that's what makes me feel sad.

OP posts:

lovechoc · 21/12/2009 14:55

I'm not cliquey in the slightest so goodness knows what I'll be like when DS gets to school age! Doubt I'll be the mummy everyone talks to! I wouldn't worry about it, she's getting on well with the other children in the class. That's the main thing. Give it time, things may change as she gets older.

GypsyMoth · 21/12/2009 14:57

how old is she? 4? plenty of time to develop real friendships for both of you...early days yet. give it time..

Fibilou · 21/12/2009 15:01

Now this is the sort of leaving-out-at-parties type of behaviour I genuinely do think is unfair and nasty.

I would be really upset, in the same way that I get upset if I feel someone is taking the P out of DH or being nasty to him. I would also be very upset if everyone at work was invited to something but not him because he is always desperate to be popular. I've never cared about being popular and don't care for myself but do get very upset if people don't like my loved ones (getting a bit emotional about this due to being 35 wks !)

CMOTdibbler · 21/12/2009 15:01

My DS is at nursery ft, and what I have noticed is that a lot of the parents only invite children to the party if they know their parents iyswim. And as I am working, and wasn't in this area when DS was born, we don't know anyone.

Original poster

confuddledDOTcom · 21/12/2009 15:08

She's 3. I'm not worried about relationships for either of us, I'm not into cliques so if I'm left out that's their problem not mine and she's not got a problem with making friends.

Following on Fibilou's example, it would be like them leaving him out because they don't like or don't know her. Why should I have anything to do with whether their children send my daughter a card or an invite?

CMOT similar thing here, I don't know the people in the area well and didn't get a lot of chance to do antenatal stuff when I was pregnant because I was in hospital most of it. Don't know you so don't want to get to know you

OP posts:

NintyZelda · 21/12/2009 15:08

I had similar worries with my DS who is 4 and at nursery, he also mentions one particular little boy alot but his teachers say he gets on well with all children. He never seemed to get invited to parties etc and I felt quite sad about this, but all of a sudden he's been flooded with party invites, at least 7 in the last few months!! I try to amke an effort to say hello etc at nursery to other parents but that's it. I think you just have to let your child take the lead and it will fall into place.

ChilloHippi · 21/12/2009 15:13

At least the names she mentions are real children! My DS, who is three, has an imaginary friend at nursery , and although I am told he plays with everyone and is popular, he spends a lot of time talking to 'James'.

potoftea · 21/12/2009 15:16

It could be because your dd gets on so well with so many of the children, that she doesn't get invites or cards. If other children have particular groups they give cards within them, but your dd is friends with everyone without being particular friends with one or two.

So don't worry would be my advice.

And about parties; at that age I think people prefer to ask the children of people they feel comfortable with themselves. So if they don't know you they may not ask you dd to party.

PotPourri · 21/12/2009 15:22

Don't worry, once they she is at school the whole class to a party thing will start to happen. As long as DD not bothered, try not to worry. Find out if there is any committee, a PTA type thing and see if you can get involved - at least you would be a bit more 'in' wihtout necessarily joining the clique

thesecondcoming · 21/12/2009 15:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

confuddledDOTcom · 21/12/2009 16:44

It's a very small class and each child has a pigeon hole above their peg, I've seen people putting a card into each pigeon hole except hers and as I say there's a Christmas card list so not difficult to remember her. I've heard them say to another parent that the whole class is coming will they be there too.

I'm not worried about her because I know nothing phases her (try telling her off on the rare occasion she's naughty! It's like trying to argue with her dad lol) but it's the way that she's left out because I'm not in the clique.

I do go to things they have on, although the clique parents aren't really there, there's not a lot of take up to anything there. Personally I wonder if it's the difference between those who are there with paid places and those on their free placement.

The nursery obviously like her, they've asked for her to go in this week, Monday to Wednesday instead of breaking up last Friday. I don't mind gives me chance to do some things around here

OP posts:

gingernutlover · 21/12/2009 16:50

YANBU to feel a bit sad

do all the other mums know each other from postnatal group or toddlers maybe? No excuse for them to leave you dd out but explains why thye seem such a litle clique.

I recently realised why dd didnt get invited to little girls party at nursery, it turns out we live in the wrong area. We invited her to dd's party at the local hall and they declined the invite, a few weeks later the dad told me at the gate that they were sending her private next year (its their last year at nursery) because all the local schools and local kids were rough! Coincidence? I think not!

yummyyummyyummy · 21/12/2009 19:18

That is odd.Very odd You really need to get to the bottom of this with the teacher.

I have found in the past that teachers are ridiculously positive at parents evenings and will tell you what they think you want to hear.TBH 'plays with everyone' sounds like a euphemuism for hasn't really got any special friends yet and will play with anyone who will have them.

But Cliquiness is just awful .I live in a small village and it is endemic here !It is doubly sad how the cliquiness of parents passes down to children.

piscesmoon · 21/12/2009 19:25

YANBU but I really wouldn't worry, she sounds delightful and a really friendly DC. At that age it is the parent who does the cards and party invites. She will come into her own when it is down to the DCs.

cupofteaplease · 21/12/2009 19:44

I had the same thing with dd at nursery- she wasn't invited to a single party. Now she is at reception it is not much better- she has still only been invited to one party, and that was after she had invited this girl to her party first IYSWIM?

I also got told at parents evening that she plays with everyone very well rather than having one particular friend.

So, YANBU, it is sad for the parents, even if the children do not yet understand.

totalmadness · 21/12/2009 20:27

I've just moved to a new area and I'm finding this. Not ds who talks about other children, talks to other children as we leave and I've seen playing with other kids but me! I wait outside with the othermums at pick up and drop off every day (morning sessions at school pre school) and they have never initiated conversation - neither have I . I must admit part of me does wonder whether or not this is partly down to area, as we have moved fro a very nice part of a town to, a used to be awful, part of a different town where everyone seems to keep themselves to themselves and shout and swear at their kids. So very different from how we raise our family - but that is a bit snobby.

Point of my post is, I have no helpful tips or advice whatsoever but I'll be your friend and send invites

mistlethrush · 21/12/2009 20:55

Don't worry! Ds was in the same nursery since he was 6mo - and had 'parties' for 2nd and 3rd birthdays whilst there. I asked the nursery staff who he played with most and invited them 20 people were invited to his 2nd birthday party (awkward date - 10 people to start with, only 2 positive responses...) - 3 people in the end turned up. 15 people invited to his 3rd party, and 5 came. One girl that he played with quite a lot - but ds wasn't invited to her parties. He's in reception now - only a few of the same children in the same class - much better, most people have parties, and, at the moment, if there is a party, everyone gets invited and most people turn up etc. So don't worry too much!!!

mazzystartled · 21/12/2009 21:08

FWIW, it may not be cliqueyness
I didn't send any xmas cards on my dc's behalf, I don't think it's necessary at such a young age. And any birthday parties we've had so far have been largely with friends from outside nursery whose parents I know really well, because we have them at home and we only have space for a handful.

OP if you have time and inclination why not invite one of the kids she often mentions over for a playdate/tea after school and see how you get on?

Original poster

confuddledDOTcom · 21/12/2009 23:00

yummyyummyyummy I know that she is like that, everyone who's ever had her has said the same thing. She's a very sociable child. I've watched her during the day as well - either during parents group or by not leaving straight away or picking her up early - and seen her with the others. I've had staff from the other nursery (it's one nursery on two sites) stop me in the street to say how lovely she is and the admin staff always comment on her. I'm totally spoilt with her she's a little darling! I needed her to go to nursery so I could believe I wasn't just thinking my first born brat was an angel lol

I get the impression that all of them play well together in that class, I've always seen mixed groups playing well.

Thanks piscesmoon that's what I mean. I wouldn't dream of cutting out one of her friends - not that she'd let me! She knew which invites we'd already written and was reminding me of who we'd missed out - because of the parents, they're her friends, I'm not writing cards to the parents, she's writing to her friends. Just like when she went on holiday she got rock for everyone, they're all her friends none should be missed out.

cupofteaplease you've just reminded me of my own childhood! My birthday is in March and as soon as we were back at school after Christmas everyone wanted to be my friend, I remember asking someone why she was talking to me and she said "because your birthday is coming up"

totalmadness that's the difference between me and my brother I think Anyway, I'll swap cards with you

mistlethrush glad that things are better in school though.

mazzystartled I know it's like that for some of them, but I've seen them put cards in the pigeon holes and do everyone but hers. She also shares a peg so I've seen what goes in for the other child. I'd love to invite someone over but we're still unpacking from moving not too long ago. Always amazes me how you can go to a bigger place and have piles of boxes and bags everywhere when it looks like you've unpacked everything

OP posts:

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