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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel a bit hard done by?

20 replies

Olifin · 21/12/2009 11:30

I'm being a bit of a martyr about this, I know I am but sheesh!

OH and I are skint beyond belief. We have no savings, are up to our OD limit and living off the credit card for the last week or so.

OH had a work night out on Saturday, a football xmas do yesterday and is planning to attend a boys' night out tomorrow.

Because I'm the one who deals with the accounts, I warned him last week that we were deeply skint and that it might be an idea for him to forgo just ONE of his jollies so as not to spend too much money.

I didn't insist or request, I merely suggested. Nonetheless, he obviously thought it was a crap idea as he's done nothing of the sort.

I KNOW that if the situation was reversed, I would give up a night out to save money (I have done so in the past).

And yes, I feel hard done by while he goes off and gets pissed with his mates while I deal with the kids and worry about where the next food shop is going to come from.

Harumph.

OP posts:

cornysxmasmuffmusic · 21/12/2009 11:32

I would feel hard done by as well.

norfolkBRONZEturkey · 21/12/2009 11:38

Huge amount of sympathy from me too

My dh is similar

Chrysanthemum5 · 21/12/2009 11:39

So, you have absolutely no money, are worried about how to afford food, but your OH thinks it is ok to go out three times? YAdefinitelyNBU

Original poster

Olifin · 21/12/2009 11:39

Thank you ladies!

Nowt I can do about it now but sometimes you just feel the need to sound off somewhere public don't you?!

OP posts:

sockonmyhead · 21/12/2009 11:41

Does he know how bad the financial situation really is? If so he shouldn't be going and if not, you should tell him.

I also think, if you are in charge of accounts and money stress you have the right to say 'we can't afford it, you can't go'. So in a way YABU for stressing because you need to take action!

MamaLazarou · 21/12/2009 11:42

YANBU! What unreasonable behaviour.

Original poster

Olifin · 21/12/2009 11:51

sockonmyhead He does know, but he's just a bit of a dreamer and tends to think things will 'sort themselves out'.

Maybe I am being unreasonable in not being a bit more forceful! I'm not a controlling sort of wife and never want to come across that way; maybe sometimes I'm too accepting.

Of course, it's not too late for OH to cancel tomorrow night's festivities! Typically, tomorrow night is the 'most important' of the 3 jollies as it involves a good friend who lives in NY and who OH will not see for another 6 months or so. I do understand that; I know they're good friends and OH really wants to see him. Maybe I'll suggest he comes here to see us at our home instead. Thing is, this friend probably won't as he tends to do things on his terms; travelling an extra 15 miles to visit us at home might be a bit too much effort. But then OH would have to deal with his own disappointment and maybe see that his friend is a bit selfish. I think this may be the best strategy!

Thanks for your thoughts everyone.

OP posts:

hurrydownthechimneytonight · 21/12/2009 11:54

Definately you are NOT BEING UNREASONABLE!!

This is the prob with my DH who seems to think everything will be OK! Money gets spent on stupid things all the time!

where is he getting the spend money from? If its the bank take food money out so you know you have food for over christmas.

Good luck!

Original poster

Olifin · 21/12/2009 12:15

He's using the credit card! Hardly an emergency is it?!

OP posts:

mumblechum · 21/12/2009 12:25

I personally wouldn't be happy if dh was getting us into debt just for the sake of some pissups.

I think he should compromise, do the thing with the friend from NY but only one of the others.

cornysxmasmuffmusic · 21/12/2009 12:25

can dh drive and be the taxi for everyone else? Then he won't have to spend much at all.

sockonmyhead · 21/12/2009 12:31

I can understand you don't want to ruin his fun, especially if these are friends he doesn't piss money up the wall with on a regular basis. Maybe this is something you need to sit down and talk about in relation to general spending rather than this one night out?

I don't know if you are stuck for money every month, but if you are, it's really unfair that you are left with the worry while he carries on in fairyland.

Alternativly, sell his things

ChilloHippi · 21/12/2009 12:44

YANBU. I would be telling him, not suggesting it. He'd probably have a bit of a strop but at least you would have a few more quid for food.
My DH went for drinks with a couple of workmates last Friday. The pub was by a shopping centre so I dropped DH off and took DS around the shops. DS started getting tired and grumpy so I took him DH in the pub (it was a family friendly pub) and I went back to shopping

Original poster

Olifin · 21/12/2009 13:04

Yeah, we're always living very close to our OD limit but some months are better than others (OH does some freelance work and I'm a supply teacher).

OH doesn't do this sort of thing very often; he has the odd night out during the year but there's always a lot of invites and offers at xmas aren't there? Well, there are for him, not for me! I think that's also annoying me- I feel like billy no-mates and wonder when I get to have my nights out?!

Luckily food isn't too much of an issue this week- we'll be at parents' houses over xmas and I'm sure there are a few things in the freezer and cupboards to eat up over the next few days.

corny He has now said he will drive and will go along for an hour or so and not join in with the heavy drinking/clubbing bit that'll inevitably happen later on. Not too bad as far as compromises go, I guess.

Except that I had booked to go and give blood tomorrow night and now I can't do that either. Grrrrr.

Ah well, feeling a bit better about it all now; thanks everyone.

OP posts:

daisychainXX · 21/12/2009 13:07

I feel so much for you money is horrible stuff to have worry about on your own.

My other half is bad with he developes very bad case of ostrich head (sticks his head in the sand) if I say we might be runnig a bit short.

It may sound like Im treating my poor other half like a child be the only way we have been able to get our money state (and my head)straght. is to do things the old fashioned way.
Budget...(that scary word sorry.)

It has taken months to get thing better but the one thing I have learnt is that they is no good time to start... you just have do it.
Put all the cards away, draw out the money you need for food work out what left spilt it in half... half for him to go out half for you...even if its only ten pounds each its better to say here is ten pounds or you go out if you want.
(plus you then have 10 pounds to spend on your self if he does go out or 20 pound between to spend on a good night in if he doesnt go)
Exsplain that is all both of you can afford this year and that you need to sit down together and work out budget that way next year things will be bether.

Its a crap way to start christmas. Sorry.
Its the way we were 2 years ago but things are so much better now and we can now do things that we just could not dream of before.

Sorry my posts always seem to be long.

Good luck

FabIsGettingReadyForXmas · 21/12/2009 13:09

Obviously when you go and get the food for the holidays you don't get what he wants as his money was pissed up the wall.

ChilloHippi · 21/12/2009 15:22

Olifin, snap! I'm a supply teacher too. It makes it impossible to budget because you don't know when the work is coming (unles you are on a long term stint, which I don't want to do), but it's lovely when you've had a busy week and have spare pennies
Do you do any exam marking when the time comes around?

daisychainXX · 21/12/2009 16:00

Oh just a quick note... on budgeting with no fixed income. We dont have a fixed income as we are self employed and if there is no work then there is no money. I find that if i dont budget then it all jus get spent.
The way the budget works for us I work out what we need to live no extra bits at all and we only spent that for a few months till we had the same amout in the bank (cold turkey.. ) Having that extra months money in the bank takes the worry out of money for me any way. The months after that we pay out bills food etc and split any extra. Leaving all cards well alone, so they are there if we realy need them.

Bugeting is just a mind set in my eyes, but is some thing that you both have to stick to.
It works for us and with out there is no way we could run the house and work for our self.

daisychainXX · 21/12/2009 16:29

I know my last bit budgeting was off the subject a bit...sorry but unless you do some thing money the just runs away. well some one always runs off wih it should say and then it will be the same thing next year.

ChilloHippi · 21/12/2009 17:13

That's a good bit of advice, daisychain. I'm terible with money and if it's there, I have to spend it!! I shall mention your idea to DH as I think it's a good one.

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