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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Friends ds is spiteful to my ds

16 replies

DoingTheBestChristmasICan · 21/12/2009 08:29

Went to our friends over the weekend to exchange gifts & catch up with each other.

Our ds is 3 & a bit & our friends have 2 dc's, dd is 12 & their ds is 9.Both dc's are great kids but the ds is mollycoddled & treated like a baby.

Well they were all playing nicely with cars in the lounge & friend's tree was up & decorated with lovely glass baubles & candy canes.My ds unhooked a candy cane & brought it to me,i told him not to touch the tree & we went to put it back,friend told me to keep it for ds & so we put it in my handbag.Again i reminded ds not to touch the tree.

A couple of mins later friends ds was shuffling round by the tree & my ds starting crying,next thing one of the baubles fell off & smashed,my friend shouted quite loudly 'RIGHT thats enough by my tree' & her ds said 'He was trying to get his candy cane off the tree'

I asked my ds what had happened as at 3 he doesnt know how to lie at all & he told me he was trying to get his candy cane back.

So friends ds had gone into my handbag & taken the candy cane back to hang on his tree,despite knowing that his mum had given it to my ds.Then blamed it all on my ds & by now my friend had a mouth like a cats bum.

Her son had also hidden my ds's drink from him & taken his cars back into his bedroom as he didnt want to share anymore.

My ds apologised about the bauble as did I but the apology wasnt really accepted iykwim?I am also not really sure who actually broke the bauble but my friends ds looked a bit 'oh oh' kind of face (does that make sense)?

We left there house within 5 mins & tbh i am very annoyed that his going into my handbag went unchecked & his continued spitefulness to ds carries on.

I know every Mum sees their own children through rose tinted glasses but if my ds went into one of my friends handbags at the age of 9 i would be having stern words.

AIBU to feel annoyed with this situation?

OP posts:

ChippingIn · 21/12/2009 08:39

Your friend is BU - you are not!

If it had been my house, the bauble would have been the last thing I'd have been dealing with - a 9 year old not sharing with a toddler and then going into a visitors handbag - would have been far more pressing! Little shit. Not to mention your friends cats bum mouth to a broken bauble - I can kind of understand it a little bit if it was a special gift - but if it was a regular babule then she really does need to get a grip AND any cats bum faces would have been reserved for the 9 year old who caused the trouble - certainly not for you or your DS.... you did say friend didn't you?? Doesn't sound like a great one TBH!!

MsDoctor · 21/12/2009 08:41

A Nine year old and a three year old, I really don't understand any of the nine year old's behaviour or the mother not noticing.

YANBU

LoveBeingAMummyKissingSanta · 21/12/2009 08:44

So bascially her son stole something out of your bag then broke something, and you as the vistor were made to feel in the wrong? WTF???!!!

Original poster

DoingTheBestChristmasICan · 21/12/2009 08:45

Thankyou both,i truly appreciate it. She completely ignores his behaviour despite him hiding my ds's drink in the cupboard right next to where she was standing.

It looked just a normal bauble,but it could have been a special one,i dont know.My ds did apologise as did I.

The thing is she completely ignored the fact that her ds had gone into my bag & concentrated her ire at the bauble.

OP posts:

Shodan · 21/12/2009 08:57

TBH I think I would probably have said something to her ds myself, about the going into the handbag. Not sure what, but that kind of behaviour is awful.

You are definitely NOT being U.

ChippingIn · 21/12/2009 09:33

Me too Shodan. If his Mum hadn't said anything to him I would have - along the lines of 'Where did you get that from? Did I give you permission to go into my handbag? Do you think it was nice to hide DS's drink and take his candy cane from him? I'm disappointed in you'. None of my friends would allow this behaviour, but if it was something they hadn't seen, it's certainly what they would expect another adult to have said!

Brunettelady · 21/12/2009 09:43

Sounds like she is raising a bit of a spoilt brat. YANBU. A 9 year should not be going into a hand bag, it sounded like he really wanted your DS to get into trouble too. I thihnk I would have casually brought it up with her that her DS took the candy cane from your handbag and seen what she would have said. If you had mentioned it, she wouldn't have been able to pretend it didn't happen.

gorionine · 21/12/2009 09:53

YANBU I have a 9yo DS who can be a bit moody but that (going through your handbag) is not on! He would have had to go in his bedroom for a bit to "reflect on things" and I would have appologised too!

I agree with Brunettelady, you should have said something to her as if this behaviour cannot possibly stay unchallenged.

KitKatQueensSpeech · 21/12/2009 09:54

I would like to think that I would have asked him to apologise to my son for hiding his drink, not sharing and expained to him that taking things out of someones handbag I stealing and not acceptable, but in all probability I would have lef with this face and told ds in the car that he's not a very nice boy after all.

I would imagine there is more to the incident than meets the eye.

Maybe the 9 yr old isn't allowed drinks in the lounge and removed your ds's because it shouldn't have been in there, hiding it so your ds didn't bring it back?

Maybe he viewed the candy canes as belonging to him and his sister? Who knows, either way he needs to learn that taking from handbags is very wrong and the rules are different for visiting 3 yr olds.

I bet the cats bum face was because she had told him to behave

either way YANBU at all.

Original poster

DoingTheBestChristmasICan · 21/12/2009 12:13

I wish i had said to him now where did you get that cane from? At least then his Mum would have had to address it with him going through my bag.

The drinks were in the kitchen & ds kept coming back to have a sip then leaving it there,so the drinks where nowhere near the lounge,i dont understand why he kept hiding his drink from him.

He always does this though,at a party recently ds was playing on the dance floor with a balloon & friends ds came along & when he though noone was looking he took it off ds & put it on a high shelf so he couldnt reach it.I went & gave it him back straight away & he ran off before i could say anything.

I just dont know what to do about this now as he is slowly getting more & more spiteful with ds.

I know the ages dont mix well at all but we only see each other once a month for a max of 2 hrs so i would love to keep the friendship going,i just dont want my ds to be treated like this by him.

OP posts:

emsyj · 21/12/2009 13:19

TBH I couldn't be bothered with friends like that - even if your DS had broken the bauble and it was nothing to do with her DS (leaving him and his behaviour aside for the moment) why would you get a cat bum face over a 3 year old breaking something so insignificant??? How ridiculous. Children spill things, break things, fall over, make a mess etc and if you welcome a friend with a 3 year old into your house then you have to roll with the punches IMO.

And by the way, I have no DC yet (one on the way ) but I wouldn't dream of making any of my babied-up friends feel bad if their child broke something or spilled something or whatever in my house. Accidents will happen. In the grand scheme of things, a broken bauble is so unimportant.

I should also say that I am 30 and would not dream of going into my own mother's handbag without permission, let alone one of her friends' handbags!!! That is not acceptable.

You could advise your friend that the Tesco baubles that are £2 for a big box of 50 will bounce quite successfully even if they fall up to 6 feet onto a parquet floor. We have 2 cats and they scatter baubles everywhere quite regularly, but (touch wood) no breakages yet.

displayuntiltwelfthnight · 21/12/2009 13:24

YANBU - take comfort in the fact that your friend is making a rod for her own back by being so blinkered towards her son's behaviour and while your ds will be a pleasant person to be around, she will probably have real trouble trying to get him to "un-learn" the behaviour she is now letting slide.

ChilloHippi · 21/12/2009 13:43

YANBU to feel upset. Her children are old enough to understand right from wrong, but it does sound like kind of normal behaviour, but the type of behaviour that their mum should be aware of and be stopping.
I have a relative with three sons, and the eldest two, who are 8 and 10, behave in such a way, and will try to get a reaction from my son, who is three. What you described could have been an exact description of the kind of things that happen when we meet! Their mum also doesn't seem to notice.
Displayuntil is right, that she is blinkered and making a rod for her own back. Take comfort in that fact. And explain to your DS that he didn't do anything wrong.

oldraver · 21/12/2009 19:06

I would be tempted to buy her an identical bauble and give it to her saying she seemed quite upset at the breakage so assumed it meant a lot to her, so you thought it best to replace

CirrhosisByTheSea · 21/12/2009 20:04

I think there are two ways of dealing with this:

see your friend for grown up time in the evening now and again - after all it's you who are friends, not your children.
Be prepared to really speak up and stand up for your child. I think it's a really good and positive example to them that their mum is able to be assertive on their behalf when people are doing wrong to them. I think it's just setting them up for nasty experiences unless you are prepared to be very clear and assertive.

kinnies · 21/12/2009 20:20

Other peoples kids can be hell.
Your friend is a muppet!
She is doing her son no favours.
You will be on your guard next time and will prob not have a good time as a result. Maybe see friend on your own next time.

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