My half sister didn't even tell me she was pregnant!!

[mummyloveslucy]

Hi, My parents devorced when I was 18 months old. My Dad re-married and had two more daughters. His wife has always been a bit funny with me, I was aware that she didn't like me from a young age.
I always used to see my Dad and sisters once a week. They all came to my wedding, the girls were bridesmaids, and everyone had a great time. It was only when I had my daughter, they stopped seing me.
I envited them all around for a meal, a few days after the birth, so that they could meet her. Only my Dad turned up though. He started comming to see me at home rather than take me to his. Whe I casually mentioned comming to his house, he seemed as if he didn't want me too.
Four and a half years later, my sisters still hadn't seen my daughter. I kept saying to Dad that they should come around, etc.
I recently got back in touch with them on facebook, and last summer, we were envited to DS1's wedding. We went and she was nice to us, as if nothing had happened.
We bought a lovely wedding gift, which they haven't even thanked us for.
I recently saw on facebook, from her posts that she's pregnant. No one let me know, not even Dad! I had ordered her a lovely Christmas pressie, but now I'm concidering giving it to someone else. (She never bothers with me BTW)
Should I send her a message on facebook, saying congrats?

mummyloveslucy, I understand that you're hurt but if she "never bothers with" you, then why on earth are you surprised that she didn't inform you personally of her pregnancy?

She has made it obvious over the years that she does not want a relationship with you. Tons of people invite great aunt Joan and their parents' next door neighbours to their wedding - it's not an indicator of closeness or even of liking the person. Similarly, plenty of people have 300 odd Facebook "friends" - it doesn't mean they are really friends.

You're clearly sad that you don't have a relationship with your half sister, and I feel for you. But she is an adult, and has - for whatever reason - made it fairly clear that she's not really interested in establishing one with you. I think you have to respect that.

By all means congratulate her on her pregnancy. If you don't want to send her a Christmas present then don't, it doesn't seem as though she'll be particularly concerned by it. But try not to get to upset and take it too personally, there is a long and complicated family history at work here - concentrate on the family you do know and love and have a happy Christmas.

I'd be tempted to phone her direct, and say that her cutting you out is hurtful, and can she let you know why she does this?

I'm always for the direct approach. It can be scary to do, but you feel better afterwards - like lancing a boil. And it 'calls' people on their behaviour. So far she's been really odd and mean to you, and just sending a message saying 'congrats' is simply playing into her hands, eg letting her treat you really badly. At least if you tell her it hurts, she can't go on kidding herself that she's not being hurtful and bitchy to you.

Anyone?

Oh thanks, must have cross posted.

She did come around to ours before the wedding. I met her husband, and they saw my daughter for the first time. They seemed to really enjoy themselves, I invited them around for pre-wedding drinks.
The husband talked about different places we should go together and that. From this, I thought that they'd stay in touch.
I don't think I'll send a message on facebook, I might just speek to Dad when I see him next.

Oh and the "She never bothers with me" was refering to Christmas/birthday cards or pressies.

That is a really horrible situation. Four and a half years and your sisters haven't seen your daughter. I think your dad should be ashamed that he has let his other daughters behave like this and I also think that after so much time and no interest in their niece, they must have a major problem with you. I'd send the present anyway - if there is a problem, not sending it will only make the problem worse. I'd also say congratulations on FB - be the better person.

How old are your half sister's out of interest? Not sure if that is relevant or not but guess I'm thinking maybe quite young and it is an age thing?

If it was me, I would be very honest with her. Say you think it is a shame that you don't see as much of each other anymore and you would like to see more and have more of a relationship. Then try to arrange something. If it is clearly always you making the effort then it will become clear very quickly and at that stage I would cut ties and try to move on.

You have to remember though that if your half sisters aren't interested in having a relationship then you have to let it go and they aren't worth your effort.

They are quite young, 23 and 20. They were excited when they found out I was pregnant.
They were also very nice at the wedding saying that it's lovely to see me and lucy
It is a very strange situation. If they don't want anything to do with me then that's fine. Their loss and all that.

But what do you want your dad to do, mummyoveslucy?

You and your half-sister are adults with families of your own, it's up to you to negotiate the terms of your relationship.

If you really are dead set on adressing the issue with her (and this isn't about her pregnancy, it's about the long period of estrangement, the reasons for which you don't really understand) then you need to do it with her.

You need to be prepared for there not to be a 'hapy ending' though. After all, if she wanted a relationship with you then this would be already happening. She may tell you some things you don't want to hear, or she may be evasive and fudge it to avoid confrontation. Either way, it's unlikely that she'll suddenly become your best friend and make you her birth partner.

Think carefully about whether you want to do this now. It's a potentially explosive situation that could really upset Christmas for you and your husband and daughter. Your half-sister, too, is pregnant and probably doesn't need the aggravation just at the moment.

I'm sorry you're feeling so hurt by this and I wish you luck, but please consider your course of action carefully.

I won't be saying anything to her. She has our phone nomber, knows where we live etc. If she wanted to call us, she would have. I just thought Dad would have let me know. (What a strange family!) I must take after my Mum for being a loving family person.

I've sent a message on facebook that simply says: Congratulations.

Hmm..maybe it could be an age thing. Could it be that they came to see you when they were younger because your dad went and they were maybe less caught up in the family politics than they are now. Can imagine maybe it makes things awkward with their mum if she has an irrational dislike for you! Perhaps in a few years they might be able to think for themselves a bit more.

I have known a couple of difficult family situations where people won't see half siblings but they are both the other way round (e.g. kids from first marriage can't bear to see second kids as it was that relationship that broke up the parents marriage). It always makes me very sad, I guess because I am a very family orientated person. Just seems such a shame!

But you are right - it is their loss! You need to try not to get upset about it (easier said than done, I know!).

I do know she's never going to be my new best friend/birth partner etc.
I'm not sure what I expected really. Perhaps the odd drink together.
We used to invite them to all our partys, when they stopped comming, we stopped inviting them as we knew it'd be a waste of time.

Don't lose any sleep over it. The girls have made their decision, and they don't appear to want you to be a key part of their lives. Your dad is clearly unbothered by it all too.

You've bought wedding gifts they have not thanked you for? Very poor form. That can't have happened without the knowledge of at least one of the parents either...

She's PG and not told you despite you are 'friends' with her on FB... It's clear.

She could have told you, without making any effort at all tbh, and she hasn't.

Interesting too that your Dad hasn't mentioned it... He's under instructions not to perhaps?

Give the gift you ordered to the other person you were thinking of. Don't keep pandering to people that clearly have no idea of how to be a family or what it is to have manners.

Let it go, get on with your life, and let them get on with theirs. You are worth a dozen of any one of them.

Well done. Now try to let go of your hurt around this - don't allow yourself to obsess over it - and have a lovely Christmas.

Families are complicated animals, and unfortunately we can't control what other people do and think, we can only control our own reactions to them.

There is of course always the possibility that after her baby is born, your half-sister may well become more willing to establish a relationship with you and your daughter, so that her child can know it's cousin. Fingers crossed for you.

When you had your baby they were both teenagers right? No offence, but maybe they were just not really interested in babies and things then, maybe they thought it a bit boring. Or another reason you havnt seen much of them is that as they have got older they have realised their mum doesnt like you and its out of loyalty to her? I have a half sister who is much younger than me, she lives abroad so we dont have much of a relationship its just how things are, and I dont speak to my dad at all, just because you are closely related to someone doesnt mean you are close to them. I wouldnt worry about it, give the pressie to a good friend instead.

seems she is quite indifferent to your attempts at friendship. but given she doesn't usually bother with you no reason for her to go out of her way to tell you her news.seems she want to doesn't share her news with you

Thanks everyone! I'll give the pressies to someone who deserves them. We have such a gorgeous close family of our own and some lovely friends.
No doubt I'll see pictures of the baby on facebook anyway.
I think it's always sad when you find out just how little you mean to someone, especially if they've ment so much to you. Anyway, it's time for me to treat them in the same way they've treated me.
I won't give them a second thought from now on. We'll just consontrate on having a wonderful family Christmas.
Thanks again everyone, I needed to hear the harsh truth.

I understand completely I have a step brother who lived with me for most of my childhood and his sister who lived with their mum and when he went back I was told I am not a proper sister and that now he has his real sister I also found out his g friend was pg on facebook. I have just moved on I have a brilliant family and am a better person because I never excluded him because of blood and I have my two wonderful dc.

So yanbu but try to let it go because stressing about it wont help.

I just thought I'd let you know, after I'd said Congratulations on facebook, she wrote back saying "Hi hon, thank you. We were going to come around and tell you the news, but I guess Dad told you first, he is so excited. I've bought Lou a pressie, and Dad will drop it around. Love to see you again in the new year, happy xmas. Love C

This may or may not be true. She assumed Dad told me, and Dad was probubly waiting for her to tell me. Anyway, she seems happy.
I am very relieved. I'd love to stay in contact, even if it's only the occasional drink or something.

That's great. I'm very glad it seems to have worked out for you.

Merry Christmas!