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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to be annoyed at my dad

13 replies

Kaloki · 20/12/2009 20:01

Background: I've had back problems for about 9 months. Back pain which can leave me unable to stand. It isn't predictable when it will be a good back day or a bad back day, though obviously any situation where I tense up is more likely to make my back worse. So walking, sitting for long periods, being in the cold etc. All going to cause problems, and when my back gets really bad it takes a minimum of 3 days to ease off enough for me to even attempt stairs.

So this weekend was my mum's birthday, she lives an hour and half's drive away, and I adore her. I'd arranged with my dad to suprise her with a visit. Train seats are bad for my back, and driving is even worse, so dad was going to drive down to me, pick me and my fiance up and take us back to my parent's house.

My dad wanted me to stay the night there, but the only "bed" is a mattress on the floor, the same mattress I stopped using due to how much it hurt my back. So we asked if it was possible for him to drive us to my fiance's mum's house, where there is a better bed. He said ok.

On Thursday we decided that actually my fiance was going to stay in our flat and pack (we're moving in 2 weeks), and I was going to brave the night on the old mattress. We were meant to be talking to my dad the next day, so figured I'd tell him then.

The next day I wake up unable to move. Turns out that the freezing temperatures which had coated the south east in snow had turned my back into stone. I leave it for a few hours to see if it eases off, it doesn't, it actually gets worse, then I call dad and tell him that I don't think I can do the journey. He gives me a speech about how sometimes I just have to struggle through, and decides that he's going to call back in the morning, even though I point out my back is highly unlikely to ease off within 24 hours.

So next morning he calls back, and much to his surprise (and his alone) I tell him that my back still doesn't want to move, and that I can't sit for 5 mins, let alone an hour and a half (that's minimum considering the state of the snowy roads). He gets pissed off and says bye.

Later on my fiance gets a message from my younger brother telling us off for not coming up, and tells us we were out of order for wanting a lift to my fiance's mum's house. Nevermind that if my dad had said no, we'd have accepted it!

I spoke to my mum later to wish her a happy birthday, and it turns out my dad had been whining to her about me.

So now I'm in the dog house with my dad and brother, over two things I had no control over!

Have I read this all wrong? And AIBU? Either way, what on earth do I do now?

OP posts:
ijustwanttoaskaquestion · 20/12/2009 20:06

Your mum will understand im sure - just wait til you are better and arrange an afternoon with her doing something you both will enjoy, leave the curmudgeonly old bugger at home!! Or make him drive her to you.

googietheegg · 20/12/2009 20:28

Can't your fiance drive? Why was your dad going to pick you both up?

uglymugly · 20/12/2009 21:14

YANBU.

Many people don't understand about back pain. In fact, neither did I until I got a temp position typing for the pain clinic at my local hospital. I ended up working for that pain clinic for quite a long time - and learned a great deal, especially about how life-controlling such pain is. This was a pain clinic run by four consultant anaesthetists who chose to also specialise in helping people with various pain issues. A lot of the patients had back problems.

That does nothing to help you with dealing with your family's perception of what you're going through. How much support are you getting from HCPs? There are potential remedies, from TENS machines to various medications to pain management programmes. If you're not already getting help with your situation, maybe it's worth talking to your GP about any extra help the NHS to give you (knowing full well that pain clinics are on the frontline in terms of cost-cutting ).

As to you what you do now - it's a long, hard slog to convince people about pain when there's nothing that they can see, e.g. you don't have a plaster cast or bandages. Your dad saying that sometimes you just have to struggle through it maybe what you've been doing all along so he and your brother haven't yet got the message. If they can't understand that a mattress on the floor would be uncomfortable for most people, let alone someone with a known back problem, perhaps you could suggest that they try that and see what the result is.

Kaloki · 20/12/2009 23:38

"Can't your fiance drive? Why was your dad going to pick you both up?"

Neither of us drive. And live in an area where owning a car would be an unneccesary expense. When my back is in a better state I can hire a car and drive to my parents, but my back has been getting steadily worse.

uglymugly I'm on painkillers and anti-inflammatories, and I'm allergic to the adhesive on the TENS machine. So I've been fighting for a referral to a back pain clinic. Which I only managed to get last week.

I suppose I shouldn't be surprised, it took my dad 10 years to accept that depression exists. He really does think that you can "snap out of" things like that.

OP posts:
Kaloki · 21/12/2009 03:01

I know this looks like I'm bumping the thread, so I'm sorry, it's just I'm awake at 3am crying about all this. I can't sleep because all that is running through my head is what I can say to my dad to make him take my back pain seriously. Or anyone for that matter. I've had so many people treat me like I put it on just to get out of doing things, especially as it means I can't work.

I can barely even sit at the computer to tyoe this, but I need to get it out, or else I feel like I;m about to start screaming.

I just want it to end.

OP posts:
Tortington · 21/12/2009 03:17

look, the pain isn;t giving you chance to get much perspective.

you are not in the wrong.

your dad doesn't understand

your brothers a knob

now pack it in crying - theres nowt that will solve.

blow your nose.

and sort that bloody back out

Kaloki · 21/12/2009 03:21

Custy > I think I love you, that actually made me smile. Though I haven't figured a way to sort the back out, though I have asked fiance for a rack for Xmas

OP posts:
Tortington · 21/12/2009 03:26
Kaloki · 21/12/2009 03:29

The doctors refused to refer me, and I can't afford one otherwise. It's taken 9 months to get a referral to a back pain clinic

It took about 6 months to get all the relevant blood tests done.

We're moving in 2 weeks though, so I'm hoping the new GP surgery will be more helpful.

OP posts:
merrycompo · 21/12/2009 07:11

how are you feeling today?
Tbh I think in the future learning to drive is something your dp could do to make your life easier

Kaloki · 21/12/2009 12:08

I'm a bit better, but shattered, only managed 5 or so hours sleep.

We've talked about my fiance driving, but unfortunately it is more expense than we can afford and as he has dyspraxia and an anxiety disorder it will be difficult for him.

I'm hoping in the future my back will actually get better. That may be wishful thinking, but still.

OP posts:
WhiteRoses · 21/12/2009 15:18

Kaloki,

Hate thinking of you upset like that. Just try and be positive. In a few days, your back'll be much better and everything will have blown over with your family. And you never know what other good news you may have!

xx

Kaloki · 21/12/2009 23:20

I spoke to my dad earlier, and he apologised and said to put this weekend behind us. I unfortunately can't say I had a great conversation, I got lectured on all sorts. He says he supports me in whatever I choose to do (which I know he will) but he's made it clear he doesn't agree with my decision regarding having a kid or my choice of career/plans for working around my back problems.

He does my head in with these things, but it's made me more determined to prove him wrong.

OP posts:
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