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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want another child for a couple of years

27 replies

mummysgoingmad · 20/12/2009 15:00

My dp thinks ib totally u, my ds (13 months) has been in hospital twice in a month with asthma like symptoms. The doctors cant diagnose him yet as he's too young.

I feel it would be nuts to start trying for another baby at the mo as we dont know how bad its going to get with ds yet, so i'd rather work on making the child better that we already have rather than trying for another 1..I mean what use would i be to my son when i so pregnant i can hardly stand!

AMBU???

OP posts:
skidoodle · 20/12/2009 15:04

Of course yanbu - why on earth would you (or he) think that you might be?

You don't feel ready to try for another child yet. That's a perfectly reasonable way to feel.

I got pregnant when my DD was around 13 months and it has made a difference to how much time and energy I've been able to devote to her. I think being realistic about what you can (and want to) to cope with is very sensible.

notanumber · 20/12/2009 15:05

Well your reasons (though clearly good) are immaterial. If you don't want another baby yet, you don't want another baby yet.

It's a huge decision and one which both parents need to be happy with. Hard for him if he's desperate for another one now, but he can't force you and nor - I'm sure - would he want to.

Make it clear that you're not saying never, just not right now, and agree that in eighteen months you'll discuss it again when hopefully you'll be more open to the idea.

displayuntiltwelfthnight · 20/12/2009 15:07

yanbu
I had a healthy first dc but it still took me a while to come round to the idea of another one!

Original poster
mummysgoingmad · 20/12/2009 15:11

thanks notanumber i will suggest that, im not against the idea of having anthe child just not now, the timing couldn't be more wrong! i was thinking about waiting untill ds was 5 before we had another child. if the last month is a sign of things to come i would rather be a good mother to 1 than a ok mother to two.

OP posts:
wonderingwondering · 20/12/2009 15:12

13 months is quite a close age gap, if you were to become preg immediately, your DS would only be 2. The average gap in my experience is about 2.5 years - although I know of many people who wait until their older child is 3 or more.

You need to be ready, second and subsequent pregnancies are hard work!

MumNWLondon · 20/12/2009 15:40

YANBU.

Even though my DD was a perfectly behaved healthy child I still didn't want to TTC until she was 21 months.

I do think that waiting until he is 5 sounds like a big gap though - you might feel very different about things when he is 2.

GetDownYouWillFall · 20/12/2009 15:42

My DD is 2 and I don't feel ready to start trying again yet. I don't think a larger age gap is necessarily a bad thing either.

lolapoppins · 20/12/2009 16:53

Good lord, ds is 7 and I am only just thinking about maybe having another. Age gaps don't worry me, I will have another baby if and when I want one, not for any other reason.

Runoutofideas · 20/12/2009 17:06

I have 2 dds. One aged nearly 5 and one aged 2.5. DH is keen to try for a 3rd, but I'm quite happy with two for now, so I know how you feel. It's not fair of your dh to be putting pressure on you as it is you who has to cope with the physicality of being pregnant and running around after a toddler. For what it's worth I think my initial 2.5 year gap worked well for me.

diddl · 20/12/2009 17:13

Had you ever thought about what sort of age gap you would like?

I wanted a couple of years & mine are 21 months.

Really easy gap for me.
They get on well & are close.

I´m 4yrs younger than my sibling & we have never been close.

I never wanted such a big gap as that.

LastTrainToLapland · 20/12/2009 17:22

diddl, that's a sweeping statement. My brother is 6.5 years younger to me and we are as close as siblings can be. Even now, when I am a boring mum and he (at 25) is bang in the middle of party-life, we have such a laugh together.

Large age gaps are not necessarily bad. Sibling relationships depend more on the personality of the individuals than their ages. My best friend is only 18 months younger than her sister and they never speak to each other - not even at Christmas!

thesecondcoming · 20/12/2009 17:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GetDownYouWillFall · 20/12/2009 18:20

no thesecondcoming you never discuss anything personal on here

Mishy1234 · 20/12/2009 18:25

Of course YANBU!

Everyone has their reasons for age gaps between siblings. DS will be just over 2 when our next baby arrives. Ideally, I would have waited until he was at least 3, however it took 8 years to conceive DS and I'm 40 next year, so it was a 'now or never' kind of situation.

You are being sensible in giving having another child so much consideration. You must do what's best for you and your DS, which is exactly what you're doing.

lovechoc · 20/12/2009 18:32

try when you are ready, and don't stress about age gaps - for some it happens earlier than they expect and for others (like myself) it takes ages.

I also agree that age gaps don't necessarily mean that siblings will be close. Bit of a myth, that one.

diddl · 20/12/2009 18:35

Not that sweeping LastTrainToLapland, just saying what worked for me,not that everyone should do it!

At the end of the day, if the OP doesn´t want to try for another yet, that´s up to her.

Perhaps the OPs husband would like them close.
We did & it worked for us, but I can quite see why OP doesn´t want to think about it yet.

thesecondcoming · 20/12/2009 18:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BooHooo · 20/12/2009 18:52

YANBU just sensible

MummyDragon · 20/12/2009 18:54

YANBU. Although you and your husband both have a right to express your feelings about when to have another child, at the end of the day it's your body and therefore your choice as to whether you do it now or wait. Fwiw, I'd probably have felt the same way as you do if my first child was having the asthma problems; I hope it gets better and that you get a diagnosis soon.

MummyDragon · 20/12/2009 18:56

Btw, when I say "your body, your choice," I mean this in the light of the OP's statement where she said her husband wanted to try for another baby right away. I did not mean to imply that a woman's wishes should prevail over her husband's if, for example, she wanted a child but he didn't ...

Just wanted to clarify!

LittleWhiteWolf · 20/12/2009 19:14

I dont think YABU because as someone has already posted, its your decision as much as your DHs when you have another baby.
The only thing I would say is that the only compromise you can offer in a situation like this is communication. I wouldnt say "we'll talk again in x amount of months" I would keep the dialogue open as and when neccessary. Dont let him feel like he isnt allowed to discuss having children with you.

My DH and I recently had a similar talk regarding the future; he was keen to try again very soon after DDs 1st birthday (she's 5 1/2 months) whereas I'd like to wait a bit. I just said I felt it was too soon for me, but that I would definately like to try again a little later than that. My DH was happy to accept this and we've talked since about more kids in a very non-pressurised way and we're both happy.

nickytwotimes · 20/12/2009 19:21

Yanbu.

We nearly went for it when ds was about that age. We didn't and I was VERY glad about it when he hit two.

I'm going to have a 4 yr gap providing all goes well with the one currently on board. I'm not doing it for them, I'm doing it according to what I can cope with. Besides, dh and his brother are 5 yrs apart and very close.

slushy06 · 20/12/2009 19:39

Definetely not bu it is something you have to decide as a couple 3yr between mine and at the time I was scared to have another but I didn't want too big an age gap and I didn't want ds to be an only so it was now or never and through most of my pg I kept thinking I had made a mistake that I would not cope but now she is here it is great and I am actually considering a third .

But no one be they male or female should pressure someone to have a baby it is not fair on either the pressured partner or the baby.

Original poster
mummysgoingmad · 20/12/2009 20:00

the age gap doesnt really bother me, its more how my ds health will be over the coming years. i was very ill with asthma as a child and speant much of my childhood years in hospital, my two elder brothers and i didnt get on for years because they felt i was always the centre of attention and i took our mum away from them..which is fair enough. this is the reason i dont want to have another 1 for a while. thesecondcoming - im sure dp discusses these matters with his mates..why cant i discuss it on mn? we have discussed and we have agreed to disagree.

OP posts:
CardyMow · 20/12/2009 20:16

My DD is SN, and I had a 4 yr gap between her and her brother (she needed me on her own for a while). I has DS1 when she was 4.1. He was NT and I felt ready to have another. My DS2 was born when DD was 5.8 and DS1 was 19 months. DS2 is SN also, and it's only now that his SN/medical problems are not quite as bad as they were, I'm back with his dad, and our relationship is sorted, and he is settled at school, that we are TTC again. If I conceive this month, DD would be 12.6, DS1 would be 8.5 and DS2 would be 6.10 when it was born. YANBU, if your DC has been ill, it's only reasonable to wait so that you can give that DC the attention they need before having another.

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