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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

or am I always wrong?

14 replies

tinalane · 20/12/2009 09:22

Every time I ever chose anything or make an independent decision DP says its wrong, I'm wrong, or I'm always clumsy.

DP seems to have an idea about how everything should be & whenever I make my own decisions they're wrong.

I don't think its just Christmas stress, its all year round.

And when I stand up for myself I get accused of making DP feel like

I grew up with a dad who made me thing every decision I ever made was wrong, and I don't want that any more (he's changed now).

Oh well maybe it is just Christmas stress.

(End of moan)

OP posts:

moffat · 20/12/2009 09:32

no you're not always wrong and I have now come to the conclusion that if you make a decision for and about yourself it is sometimes better to make that decision yourself, even if, to others, it may seem wrong.

screamingskull · 20/12/2009 09:37

yes Moffet is quite right if you are making a decision about yourself you should do whats best for you.

You are an adult your decisions cant always be wrong.

Original poster

tinalane · 20/12/2009 09:37

Thanks Moffat. I'm worrying that I'm being unreasonable now.

The decisions can be for & about anyone & anything.

Maybe I'm making a mountain out of a molehill, its just sometimes.....

(OK I know its not a big thing & I'm lucky to have a partner at all).

OP posts:

SleighBelleDameSansMerci · 20/12/2009 09:59

You're lucky to have a partner at all? That's quite a worrying statement... Why would you think that?

LIZS · 20/12/2009 10:06

Hate to say it but it sounds like a rather uneven partnership. Him belittling you is a form of control, gradually eroding what self confidence you may have and your statement of feeling "lucky" rather reinforces this. Of course he may not consciously be doing this but perhaps his past experience colours things and his own self esteem is low.

Brunettelady · 20/12/2009 10:30

He sounds like a control freak who is trying to wear you down. Isn't this emotional abuse?

WingedVictory · 20/12/2009 10:43

"And when I stand up for myself I get accused of making DP feel like **"

He's got a nerve to complain! Why doesn't he look at his own behaviour? Even if you both are wrong sometimes, there's no way he shouldn't acknowledge his own mistakes!

Could you give some examples?

Janos · 20/12/2009 13:05

So he does this all the time tinalane? That must be very wearying.

Talking down to your partner is not acceptable, he's wrong to treat you like that.

I agree the 'I'm lucky to have a partner' attitude is really worrying. Poor you.

Do you feel able to give some examples, like WingedVictory suggests?

Janos · 20/12/2009 13:06

Andin answer to your OP...I don't know you but I can confidently say no you are NOT always wrong.

Original poster

tinalane · 20/12/2009 16:24

I feel perhaps I'm exaggerating and I'm sorry.

For example if I chose a present for someone, its never right, things I want to wear out are usually wrong, what food types (eg organic, fairtrade) I choose to buy are wrong, I go to the wrong church, I shouldn't buy any more books, a tv programme I want to watch is wrong or I can watch it but DP will go in the other room or just turns it over without asking, etc

As I say I may be exaggerating because my veganism is accommodated, I can go see a film if I want to just DP doesn't like films, I can buy crazy stuff for my sister, etc

So I guess I might be exaggerating, its just sometimes we like to moan after a minor row don't we. At this time of year, we're all stressed aren't we.

I am lucky to have a partner because DP does have a kind heart. I've hurt people before by leaving them & it hurt me more so I don't want to do that any more, we've been together a long time, and we do have good times.

OP posts:

Wineonafridaynight · 20/12/2009 16:57

Firstly I think you need to keep reminding yourself that you are entitled to your own opinions.

With things like food types, calmly tell him that you prefer that and you are happy for him to go and do the food shopping or let you know what brands you would like for next time and you'll buy some of his faves.

Church/books/tv programmes are all very personal choices - it isn't up to him to decide what you like! Me and my dp have totally different tastes in things like TV programmes. He would happily watch sport or nature programmes all day. I would quite like to watch Come DIne With Me or Christmas music vids on tv (at the moment!)

I'm not sure if he maybe sounds like he is trying to control you or whether it is more a case of you have very little confidence anyway and he is perhaps a very strong personality. You need to stand up for yourself and point out to him how silly he is being over a lot of the decisions which are a matter of opinion. He can't make you feel rubbish all the time.

GroundHoHoHogs · 20/12/2009 18:19

Unless you are wildly exaggerating OP, I am very worried that you DP is trying to control you, to knock you down, diminish your decision making abilities and then he'll re-program you to HIS ways.

Your Dad used to do this you say? Well the adage of a girl looking for a father figure in her partner seems to be applicable here.

Stand up for yourself, don't back down, if he doesn't respect your opinions now, he never will do. If he doesn't agree to disagree, seriously consider making a decision to be DP-free in 2010.

moffat · 20/12/2009 19:15

The thing is though that the decisions we make are in a way representative of who we are. It sounds like your DP does not like your decisions - that does not mean that they are wrong. Does he give reasons?

Original poster

tinalane · 21/12/2009 07:48

Thank you everyone for your kind words.

I'm beginning to sound petty to myself & sorry, as DP has a kind heart.

I guess this is just the normal negotiations of a couple, even though looking back on when I was with other people, things were more even.

Does he give reasons?

Just like 'that's wrong', etc, I tend to say 'I feel this' or 'I think that' and DP says 'This is the way it is' etc.

I am very worried that you DP is trying to control you, to knock you down, diminish your decision making abilities and then he'll re-program you to HIS ways.

I don't think its conscious, just DP self-asserting perhaps a little too much.

Your Dad used to do this you say? Well the adage of a girl looking for a father figure in her partner seems to be applicable here.

Hmmm I have wondered about this too, but I didn't like it then either. Perhaps I am too much of a girl sometimes.

Stand up for yourself, don't back down, if he doesn't respect your opinions now, he never will do. If he doesn't agree to disagree, seriously consider making a decision to be DP-free in 2010.

Thanks for the support I am staying but I'll carry on standing up for myself.

With things like food types, calmly tell him that you prefer that and you are happy for him to go and do the food shopping or let you know what brands you would like for next time and you'll buy some of his faves.

I've done this, but DP says I NEVER get what was wanted so gets those things (we shop together), doesn't trust me to get the right ones.

Church/books/tv programmes are all very personal choices - it isn't up to him to decide what you like! Me and my dp have totally different tastes in things like TV programmes. He would happily watch sport or nature programmes all day. I would quite like to watch Come DIne With Me or Christmas music vids on tv (at the moment!)

Yes its the same here, but I've given up choosing TV programmes a while ago, I'd rather peace than a row over something so unimportant. I read a lot now!

I'm not sure if he maybe sounds like he is trying to control you or whether it is more a case of you have very little confidence anyway and he is perhaps a very strong personality.

This is probably it, we both have strong personalities, but I work for peace all the time, while DP asserts more at home. Its not always like that though, and we often have good times.

Thanks everybody, and I don't want to waste any more of your time. I appreciate the support & we must all remember to assert ourselves a little more often!

Hugs!

OP posts:

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