to think DH should put family before work more often?

[fraufrow]

....okay that age-old chestnut and probably been done to death.

He is the main breadwinner and has highly stressful, time-consuming job that involves him being away for a week at a time regularly (a week and a fortnight away in the last 5 weeks, for example, but not away since September before that).

I only work 3 days per week, and look after DS (10 months old) when I'm not at work.

It's not so much the going away bit that gets to me. It's that he works nearly the entire weekend.

If I want him to spend time with us (DS and I), for example to go swimming, or even to the swings, I have to tell him what time I want to do it, so he can work his work around it!!!

He's not all bad (!!) He does the majority of the 'admin' bits of household, and conributes (I'd say) at least 50% to housework (other than every day stuff).

But it's the difference in our attitudes that worries me most.

I feel that at the weekends, at least on a Saturday, he should decide how work is going to fit around family.

He feels I'm being unreasonable (his words), and that it's not unreasonable to ask what time I want to do things so he can work out how he's going to fit everything in.

I crave day where he just spends a day at home with us doing nothing but playing with DS (and me).

He says he's often 'at home', but tends to do things like DIY or the weekly shop or whatever...

God! this is long. Sorry.

He does love his job: more of a vocation than work (research/ academia). And I understand it's time consuming. But I didn't expect this when we decided to start a family.

AIBU? Living in cloud-cuckoo land?

(have name-changed...)

Hmm... not sure. You do sound quite lucky wit him, tbh, what with the contribution to house stuff etc. It is difficult in his line of work because there's no real distinction between work and life. Work is life, to some extent. But I think he could put aside just one day a week which is purely a family day. He would probably be glad he did it looking back. Your DS must be changing all the time.

However it does sound like he is making quite an effort in that he fits things in if you tell him in advance. I can see why it's not ideal for you - you want time to just 'be' with him as a family - but it is quite good and shows he is trying.

I'm afraid my first reaction is YABU - I think because I like to know time plans for weekends as well. I loathe 'formless' days when it all stretches ahead and I don't know what's going to happen - I like to be able to plan a day and know what times we are going to do stuff. To a certain extent i do think you need to work with the grain of the wood when with a partner.

Why not say to him, OK for 1 hour between 10 and 12 you are going to have a cup of tea with dc and me and play? You could give it a joke name - Official Sitting Around or something - he needs to know it's important to you, but you could try and work with his needs as well.

Ah! maybe I was just being a tad spoilt here then. Guess that's life?

Am prepared to concede very readily here.

Whether I'll live up to it in real-life, I don't know.

Deep breath.....

I think that sounds stressful

he needs to learn to switch off for you and the ds as much as for himself. I really cannot believe that he needs to work 7 days a week. But it's not about that. It's the fact that his head is in work all the time which isn't fair to anyone.

also, your ds is little. In a few years time, he won't be able to work all the time as ds will start being more demanding of proper attention.

(wait till ds gets bigger and you can arrange things like sport clubs on the weekend!)

Dh is often not about at the weekend as is a doctor and on call. Also been taking exams etc.

It is wearing after a while thinking you 'have' them for a weekend, only to find out there is some all important paper that needs writing so you are alone again, and not having organised something else, Fraufrow. I also have gotten fed up with him on his Mac whilst 'spending' time with us.

So I totally understand where you are coming from. I envy people who have their OHs around for 2 clear days if need be.
I think the only way I have handled it is to 'let' him have a day off to spend in the library etc and then he is ours the rest of the time. Its still a bit shit but he is finishing soon so i hope it will end soon.

So just to say, I understand you.

But he is prepared to make time when OP asks, which shows he does have respect for her wishes. I think a lot of people would be envious that although he is clearly dedicated to his career, he will still do things around the house, the weekly shop etc.

yes but it's a bit demeaning to have to (continually) ask your dh to spend time with you though iyswim

Good for his mental health and yours if he switches off sometimes. OOH, you are very lucky with housework contribution (tho' we got a cleaner to put an end to resentment from me on that score).
As DS gets bigger, he will be demanding more "daddy time", so you'll probably end up like us, with DH still tapping away at the keys and me wondering if I should go and sleep in the spare room again, so he doesn't wake me when he finally comes to bed....
Sorry, feeling grumpy.

That is the point foxinsocks, you are so right. There is a certain point where you start suspecting they would find life alot easier if you buggered off permenantly and let them just get on with the work they need to do. Also, there is something tiring about knowing your weekend is sectioned into 'his' time and 'you and DCs time'

thanks

Yes have often thought of people who are married to doctors/firemen/nurses, or similar (or ARE doctors/firemen/nurses etc), and I realise that I have it better than them.

He's 'around', or can be more easily if necessary, even if he's working.

Agree with the not switching off thing, too.
He doesn't actually talk or think about it when he is actually with us... but I just know that at any moment, he is probably going to announce that he's just going into work for a bit.....

So I don't get to switch off and think I have a day/ night with him!!

your DH sounds a bit like me in some ways, and I know I drive my DH mad sometimes with my need to have things in order

He's much more of a "take it as it comes" sort of guy & I'm definitely a "planner" & a "lists person"

I would definitely suggest planning ahead family days out/in or sessions to read/do crafts or whatever with DS. That way you get the time together you want & your DH can plan other things he needs to get done round it.

YANBU to want to spend time as a family, but YABabitU expecting your DH to do this without a "plan" of how to fit everything in if that's how his mind works (t'would drive me mad! )

yes it would feel like that wouldn't it rain!

thing is frau, as betsy has said, I bet this hasn't even crossed his mind. As others have said, he does his fair share, spends time with you when you ask - I'm not sure he would have realised that the way he plans his life affects you like this (unless you've told him).

So I'd sit him down and just explain how you're feeling. Tell him you like a bit of spotaneity and just feeling like he wants to be with you! I bet he does just isn't quite showing it in the right way!

Yep. I really know how lucky I am in some respects.
He really does try when he's about. And he does contribute a lot in other ways...

He does one of the night feeds too (when he's here), and is a bit Margaret Thatcher- like in the amount of sleep he needs, which is a help!

Friends of mine have "sleeping through" babies (DS still wakes countless times a night), but it's always up to them to get up at 5am when their little one wakes up. Their DHs have a habit of rolling over and ignoring all sounds...

Maybe I should just stop complaining and accept nobody's "perfect"

(I'm certainly not....)

I wouldn't think like that Frau. It sounds as though your DH is 'on call' to his work all the time and that must be extremely hard.
Personally, I would just let him have Saturday morning or Sunday all day or something like that 'off' and then tell him the rest of the time he is all yours.
I often think people use the 'must do a bit of work now' thing as a way of avoiding life when the kids are being a pain in the arse and need me time. I am always amazed at how my BIL 'needs' to do work precicely when my DN is being a tinker!

You're exactly right, Betsy. That's him. And that's me.
Opposites attract... but living together... ??>>??

erm... I did tell him Fox. The other day. Hence my AIBU post. But er.... probably it came out rather angrily by that stage

Rain... that's it. 'Tiring'... kind of 'wearying' maybe.

And am interested in all the "he'll get more demanding" comments. I hadn't really thought of that....

rather than you deciding what you're all going to do and putting in a request for his time with you, why don't you just have a standing arrangement of 'family time' on a sunday morning followed by family lunch or something and then you decide TOGETHER how to spend that time but it must be work-free.

i have this problem (sort of) with DP and evenings on the xbox. i always feel like i have to come up with something more interesting than the xbox to persuade him to spend the evening with me (though he'll deny it till he's blue).

I'm not sure if your DS will necessarily get more demanding. Kids are good at recognising how life is and just going along with it. It sounds like your DH is a pretty good dad, and if DS did need more time, e.g. for sporting events he would find it.

Frau - strangely having kids (we have a 4yo & a 2yo) has brought us both closer to the middle ground. DH HAS to be a bit more organised as you don't really have a choice when you have kids to consider too & I've become a bit more laid back, because when you have two young kids things don't always go to plan either :D As your DS gets older he'll be the one demanding time with Dad :D

As for living together, luckily we've got to the point where we accept that neither of us will change, so we just tease each other about it :D DH is very good though & when there are things that MUST be done he will help make the time to get them done or he knows I get stressed otherwise. In return I worry a lot less about the "nice to have/do but not essential" stuff than I did pre children.

they seem to need more emotional space in your head as they get older for some reason

I can understand your frustration - it's the same for me as my DH is self-employed and has his main office at home. The annoying thing is you just can't get away from his work and it does seem to dominate our lives. I work too but I re-trained in order to do a job which fits around my children, as I am left to handle kids, housework, social arrangements, school, everything really.

I am a little resentful as I often think my DH could be more involved with family life and not keep playing the 'work' card. It has got to the point where I feel guilty suggesting he joins us on an outing/activity as it would be taking him away from his work! So I've got into the habit over the years of just arranging stuff for me and the kids (and other friends) and leaving it as an open invitation to DH to join us if he wishes. It's sad though and I don't think it's a habit I should have got into. I'm used to his work coming first (after all there's no way we could live on my wage) but I do get really upset if it impinges on special occasions ie kids' birthdays, holidays.

Having said all that, I think your DH sounds great - despite his work commitments he also makes himself useful around the house and is willing to join you in family activities - I don't think it's much to ask you to give him an idea of your plans in advance so he can plan around.

Good luck - maybe sit down with him and tell him how it feels atm - he sounds a reasonable guy. Do that before you get into my bad habits!

DH's job could take over his whole life if he let it and we know lots of others in his profession for whom it has, with lots of resentful spouses always feeling they come second.

Our family policy is that we always take one day off a week: no work, not even home work for DS. We don't want to be too rigid about it, and we can't always say no to stuff to do with DH's job but we try. That means no checking emails, no answering phone (we have two lines, one private, one for the job), and since his job can be so all-pervading we try not to talk about it either.

It works for us because the expectations are set out that the day is for family stuff. Having said that, we have only arrived at it by trial and error and because we are both committed to work not being the be all and end all. DH's job is a vocation, never-ending, and he could always do more - it's never done. In those circumstances one clear day off is a mental health necessity.

It's a healthy rhythm - 6 days on, one day off.

so many wise words
Thanks....

I must admit I feel a bit like i am being unreasonable in some ways. And there's a couple of things I'm going to try that have been suggested here.

Just have to stop being spoilt, emotional brat first.

the xbox thing rang true. It just shows there's always something that they can bury their head in....

releasethehounds, you're right he is great. And I have to remember that.
And LadyPeterWimsey, I dream of reaching a solution like that. Will work on it. Slowly...

I think you're right to try to work on it slowly. And as you get to different stages in your life - more kids, kids at school, etc - you will have to change expectations. I think the key thing is to try to establish the principle that marriages/families need time when all parties are 'there' physically and mentally. I can manage with DH working like a mad thing all week because I know we will have a day when he will put work aside.

We also try to go away on holiday as much as we can (only cheap options - house sit for friends, book cheap cottages, do home exchanges) because holidays are even better mental health breaks. I know not everyone enjoys going away, but we would go mad if we didn't do it. Fortunately DH is a big believer in holidays and a genius at booking cheap ones.

I have a friend whose DH works away so much that they hardly ever see him. And when he comes back, he's in the office too. She keeps herself busy, sees lots of friends, but the result is that she is becoming more resentful and he is becoming more detached from them all. I really worry for her.

My hero is the friend of ours who refused a promotion because he wouldn't be able to spend what he thought was enough time with his family. So, smaller house, less stimulating job but lovely happy family, and he is involved in stuff with benefit to lots of other people outside his family, simply because he has chosen to make time not money.

as busy people with jobs you need to support each other.he is busy,he is away. his commitment to paid employment presumably pays mortgage allows you to work part time and sustain a certain family lifestyle

some careers aren't switch off kind of jobs