to feel fed up that DH thinks the cleaning my "job"?

[twinset]

DH just hoovered the kitchen (because he pulled the under cupboard flashing out to see why a heater thingy wasn't working and lots of dust came out). I then asked him if he was going to take rubbish out. I asked him several hours ago and he said yes so I was just checking if I should just do it.

He brought up the fact he had hoovered, told me i was hassling him and pointed out that cleaning was my "job".

I am a SAHM with 4.5 year old twins one of whom has autism and is only on half days at school so i really have no chance of going back to work - childcare would be very stressful for DS so i need to be there to pick him up/holidays etc. I would love to have a job and find it so sad that my "job" is now cleaning (whilst everyone else makes a mess).

Think I am just sensitive today as have had a bad cold for a couple of weeks. I do all the housework anyway except DH will cook dinner a couple of times a week. He works long hours and I don't expect him to do anything except take the rubbish out occassionally. He never loads dishwasher or does anything at home and I don't ask. I just object to being talked to like that.

I fear IABU and this has turned into a bit of a rant sigh

No, YANBU
You have more than a "full-time job" looking after your twins. Why should cleaning be your "job" - I bet your DH makes his fair share of mess. And the kids and their mess are half his too.
He gets to come home from his job and relax, but you are "on duty" all the time. I don't think it is too much to ask him to help out a bit.
I get annoyed a bit when my DH does something, say the hoovering, and feels really proud of himself, expecting lots of "aren't you wonderful" grovelling, but when I do the hoovering it doesn't get a mention.

YANBU, and I think you need to talk to your DH about it, telling him what you said here. It sounds like your love your DCs very much and appreciate the time you spend with them, but that doesn't mean that you wanted to give up your career in order to become a carer, and having become a carer, doesn't mean you want to become a cleaner.

What happens in the evenings? Do you have a situation where DH comes home and you're still working? Because it does sound as though he's working long hours, but you're working longer.

Well he has his own business so he says he is always working even when at home - evenings/weekends always (laptop/thinking about work/iphone).

I don't actually mind doing the housework it's just the taken-for-grantedness I think...

YANBU

Team effort running a home.

He is a doughnut.

I agree it's the taken for grantedness that really grates.

Make sure you thank him for working so hard, and for bringing in money to support the family. Maybe then he will realise he needs to also thank you for everything you do as well. If he doesn't get the hint, tell him that you would like to feel more appreciated.
Perhaps he has just got so busy and preoccupied he has forgotten the little things.

Think you are right GetDown his job is stressful but I think it's the lack of choice I have that makes me feel more trapped iyswim. He says - well you wanted to be a SAHM and it's true but not for this long. Thems the breaks I guess.

will try thanking him more for marvellous money providing skills.

x

you probably feel trapped because your DS means childcare is not really an option. So being a SAHM is not really a "choice" for you anymore. A lot of mums find it a real break to go back to work, and staying at home is by no means the "easy" option. AND you have twins!!
I work 16hrs per week. It's a relatively stress-free office job, nice people. Those 16hrs are like a little refuge for me. I really respect mums who are full time at home, because I honestly don't think I could do it myself.
Some people, some men, think that staying at home involves lounging around doing whatever you feel like, whenever you like. When you have kids it's not like that, it is hard graft. I don't know if they really understand that (unless you let them experience it for themselves... there's an idea, go away for a weekend on your own!)
It's hard that your DH has his own business, I guess it must be hard to switch off. Does he allow himself days off where he doesn't check the laptop etc.?

for you.

HELP WANTED:

Must work approx 12 hrs a day (more if needed)/ 7 days a week

Your job will be mind numbing, repetitive, time consuming.
The satisfaction you get from completing a job will be eclipsed by frustration that someone has come along and undone your work.

No matter how hard you work, there is no satisfaction that comes with getting better - you are at the top already.
The more you do, the more people will expect you to do.

There is very little respect that comes with this job: in fact people's eyes will generally glaze over when you tell them what you do.

You will often feel like you are wasting yourself, and in fact you may even feel that you are slowly losing whatever skills you used to have.

Salary- £0
Holidays- none
Progression - No progression

NOW ask your DH if HE would apply for that job.

If he is earning money from his business and you genuinely do not have the time to clean - why not hire a cleaner?

As long as you are both working the same hours either in or out of the home and hence making the same contribution that is all that matters.

doing the house work does'nt exactly take hours each day to do even with kids at home he's at work all day so the last thing he's going to feel like is havin to start doing houes work when he comes home and weekend.

And yes i am a sahm and have a disabled dd so no i'm not talking out my back side.

surely the time when he's at home you want him to be spending it as family time.

Did you at some point sit down and agree that you would do all the cleaning? If not, then remind him of that and tell him to pull his finger out!

(IMO, cleaning should never be one person's responsibility in a relationship; that way madness lies.)

I would tend to approach this in quite a non-adversarial way, if possible. Afterall, you are supposed to be looking after each other. Can you tell him you are finding it quite emotionally difficult getting your head round the autism diagnosis and how it has meant that you won't be going back to work for the foreseeable future? You know, say that all that stuff is getting you down, and you need a bit of support off him. The cleaner idea is a good one, as is trying to get a bit of time together to do something fun. Ask him how he's feeling too. Just taking a bit of time to remember that you are on the same side and talk about stuff without it always being an argument. Does that make sense? Hopefully he will see that you could do with some appreciation and acknowledgement that none of this is easy.

I have already said I don't want him to do the housework - I understand he works hard and I would not expect him to. And of course I have time to do it - it's just not what I would want to be doing as a "job". If i worked I would hire a cleaner. But I can't don't.

I am not mad - i would not expect him to earn all the money and rush home to do the cleaning. I just don't like being made to feel like "staff".

Sure I will feel better about it tomorrow - just got hurt feelings from his offhand comment.

God Purpleduck - not sure whether to laugh or cry!!

I am not a SAHM but I believe that the job of a SAHM is to be completely responsible for childcare during the hours her partner is at work.

That's it.

Beyond that, all childcare and household tasks should be shared 50/50. If your DP is doing some DIY, then you can do more than 50% of the housework. But being at home with children is not a reason to have to do extra housework.

Many Men move into a live in relationship (whether that be co-habiting or marriage); and completely transfer responsibility for themselves and their family at the same time.
Even if they were previously independently living /autonomous.

And.

Only if you let them.

That then gets worse when you have children.

Unless you stop it.

Childcare is 24/7.
It's far more than his 10/12/14/16 hour day.

He works less hours. He gets to interact with people who can talk. He doesn't face the day in day out repetition of changing, feeding.
He doesn't sit for hours playing with His child; talking to Her; reading to Her; feeding Her.

Any Man that thinks a SAHM is "not working" or stressed needs his bumps read.

I didn't cook, didn't clean. Didn't do anything apart from look after my Daughter.

I think that's reasonable.

twinset - it is terrbly hard to get things done with DCs around the house under 5. To be fair to DH though, unless someone has done it, then it really is hard to get a sense of what a slog it is. It will get a lot easier as they get a bit older.

I really would suggest a cleaner if you can afford it. Even 3 hours a week would be good to do 2 hours cleaning plus an hour of ironing then just a maintenece tidy up round the kitchen and main living room each and every day by you.

yes but fairydust - surely the time he spends at home should be family time?? Meaning the whole family - twinset as well, and if she is cooking doing dishes, lunches, tidying up after the day, then how can this be done.

Whether twinset should be doing all the housework is irrelevant. Its the attitude of the other partner involved which is often the issue.